In March 2019 I heard the words that still haunt me to this day. **** has killed himself. Those were the words my mum said to me. I can’t even describe the pain, even to this day I can’t even explain the stabbing feeling I felt.

My big brother was the most sweet, kind and polite person you would ever meet. I used to get embarrassed at how unbelievably nice he was to people. Unfortunately, people see this as a weakness. He had terrible self esteem issues that I too suffer from, but we were never the type to talk about how we felt. He always seemed down ever since I can remember.  We just thought that was his personality. (can you believe it, his own family, me! actually thought this!)

My brother didn’t have any friends and his work colleagues bullied and made fun of him. I too was in the same situation as my brother and would often contemplate my life but I am so unbelievably fortunate to have found someone who loves me and wanted to spend his life with me, my brother never got that chance.

Our mum, she is the best mum anyone could ask for, she would do anything for us. She loved him more than life itself and they would speak two to three times a day. She has had to do a lot for us both to ensure we had a good life which meant sacrificing her own happiness, but you don’t realise any of this when you are young.

I was always so hard on my brother and he always said stop acting like my mum. I didn’t mean it, I just loved him so much and knew he was destined for great things because he is so smart and kind he could do anything. As we grew older I met someone and went to university, unaware my brothers life continued to collapse around him. I just never knew it was that bad. Like most of you, it’s that idea that my sibling was able to collect items to kill himself and actually drive somewhere all alone as I slept snug in my bed. I always thought to myself if something bad was to happen to my family I would get a feeling in my body that would alert me, I never got this.

My mum is broken she is the most important person on this earth and I love her more than words can describe. Hearing my mum tell me she can’t go on and is living a nightmare is just heart breaking. I wish I could speak to her but I just don’t know what to say, and I should! I am the only person she has left! I just feel guilty and should have seen the signs! I tell myself everyday that I am a horrible person and it’s all my fault. I can’t get the words out if my head. I am angry at him aswell for doing this to himself and allowing my mum to suffer. The emotions are so mixed it’s like a rollercoaster. I dream about him almost every night and think about him every time I am alone with my thoughts. I just wish I could feel him near me have a sign that he is happy, something to tell me that he is ok, anything.

I have no idea how to continue my life, I have the most sweetest husband in the world and we had our baby boy 10 weeks ago which was another stupid thing to do to my mum as I think it kills her inside to see this little baby boy and she just lost her own baby boy. There is nothing I can do to take the pain away from my mum and it kills me, she is such a loving person and doesn’t deserve this, no one does. She loved her boy so so much and I just don’t know how she will continue, that’s what scares me the most. I don’t want another call like that again, my mum is the only family I have left I can’t lose her! My brother was in his early 30’s, he should have been living life to the fullest and watching his sons grow up.

I feel like a terrible person for laughing, smiling or just trying to have a normal day, I feel guilty for having a great relationship with my husband when my brother never knew what it was like to have a soulmate. I feel horrible for finally feeling I had a home with my husband where I feel safe, when my brother never felt at home anywhere. I feel terrible for going to university when my brother had kids young and couldn’t afford to go to university. I feel guilty for having a good day when my brother never had one.

I wish I had listened to my brother and helped him in any way I could. I wish I could have one last hug. I wish I could remind him how special and loved he is. But no these wishes will never come true. I will continue to live this life with guilt, anger, worry and loneliness. Guilt, that I should have been there for my big brother, my only sibling. Anger at the people who made my brother feel worthless and ridicule him. Worry, that my mum will follow in his footsteps. Loneliness, that I can never tell my friends or family how I really feel and continue to distance myself from the world. I will forever be known as the girl whose brother killed him self. Thank you for your time.