I remember my innocence, I remember being blissfully naive about life past, present and future.
I remember just starting high school, thinking it was cool to have to older,popular brothers who would walk up to me and say hi, I thought that would make me ‘popular adjacent’. I would pass you by in school but try to ignore to keep this ‘cool’ image but felt complete happiness when you would acknowledge me in front of your friends. But then as soon as we returned home you would drive me insane! We would communicate only through sarcasm and wit, sometimes yell and try to beat each other up (usually when it came to the TV remote) but at the end of the day we knew that we were siblings who loved each other, never said it but we didn’t need to. I remember being jealous of your popularity and academics, how you were friends with practically everyone, I strived to be like that. But because of that I became blind to what actually was going on, you would be upset and get into fights with mother because you had a job and your friends were taking advantage of that and your generosity, I didn’t bat an eye when in the car driving to school you were discussing doctor/ councillor appointments I assumed it had something to do with his heart (he had a heart condition and I thought it must have been a mandatory visits after his operation), I was even too oblivious to dwell on the fact that when my brother was 17 years old he moved out from home and ended up staying in a family friends home from church. I was so young, innocent, stupid to pick up on the fact that my brother was struggling, that he was going through a hard time. And when he moved home, we fell into our love/hate relationship so when he came home on Friday night, I tried to annoy him like I would normally do. In the morning I woke up bright and early excited for my netball game, my friend was taking me, and while we were having a joyous time singing, trying to pass the 30 minute ride in the car, while I was being called on the phone, I hadn’t even realised I had 4 missed calls from my father until I got to the netball courts. So I called him, I didn’t realise it then but his voice was full of sadness, I mistook it for weirdness, because he asked “where are you?” And “come straight home after you finished your game”, I thought he was being silly but I did just that anyway. When my friend dropped me off home, I noticed my uncle was there pacing around outside, my brothers friends on the porch hugging each other, other family members walking inside my family home, my friend asked if there was something going on I said I wasn’t sure and that I would text her later. And as she drove away, I ran up the outside steps into my home, really confused, where I found my grandparents and my parents huddled together…
To be completely honest I am a little hazy on what happened through the next 5 minutes, I can’t remember who told me and how I reacted. I lost that part of me who’s family was fine, who’s innocence was perfectly intact, an oblivious 13 year old who’s biggest dilemma was trying to hide any evidence of having a period, or was biggest dilemma.
From that day on I lost a huge part of me that I don’t think I can ever get back, which frightens the shit out of me because I am a complete mess. I hide every aspect of my life from others having no true friends, I have lost the ability to care about most things/people whom I used to care deeply for, I lost/ am losing any ambition that remains in me, I get angry and sad so often and all I want to do is crawl up in a ball in the corner, I used to dream or at least set goals for myself and try to achieve them now I can’t even bothered thinking about goals or my future. I ponder so often on why am I here, still alive, wasting my life away, when you are not? Why am I still alive and you are not? I was a bitch and have become an even bigger one when you… you were that person who went to go sit next to people that we’re alone to make sure they didn’t feel alone.
I’m sorry that I was not enough like you, I wish I was/ am.
I love you brother, you are everything.