Steve,
why why why why why why why why
how how how how how how how how
why did u leave
how could u leave
i miss you like crazy and every moment gets worse
i go through hundreds of repeated realisation moments in one day
my brother is gone
my brother will never wake up and walk to the kitchen and
my brother
my brother
my dearest brother
the only one in this world
that was mine, my brother
my only brother
my favourite boy in the world
the brother who would enter a room and just have his spirit bring such a comforting calm to the entire space
my brother who endured so much suffering
my brother who had so many attempts prior
my brother who’s laugh was the best sound in the world, especially if i was the one to bring it out
i want nothing more than for him to come back
or
please
wake me up tomorrow and tell me
it was not true
it was never true
please
i will even accept his return as a ghost
anything
please
just give me my brother back
please
whoever runs this universe
i need my brother back
i need my brother back
i need my brother back…..
My life was forever changed that fateful morning in December. My heart cried out like never before. How could I have known, what could I have done. Why was I left to deal with life alone? The awesome memories of our times together, the fun we had starting to raise our children together. Why did I not see it? Our kids are much older now, my daughters and grandson love your kids so intensely! Our ears are so ready to listen when called upon. Times together are more sacred than ever before. Memories made are so much more important. Not that any of these things weren’t before this tragedy, but so that we love stronger and act like the human beings you desired of us before you parted from us. I miss my brother like theres no tomorrow. He was my only brother. I cared so much about him. I tried so hard to help make his shipwrecked life a safe haven to escape to. The emptiness that lingers in my soul hasn’t healed. I’d give anything for another 2 or 3 hour phone call with him. His boys are awesome examples of young men. As hard as life can sometimes or often hit, this phrase from the Bible has gotten me through each day Psalm 3:4-6 “I call out to the Lord, and He answers me from His holy mountain. 5 I lie down and sleep; I wake again because the Lord sustains me. 6 I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side”
My prayer is that anyone who is suffering the loss of a loved one through suicide finds Hope and encourages others. There are very real hurts that accompany these losses. Such an unexplainable tragedy. Be the light that so many people need to see. Especially around the holidays. I promise God knows your pain, and your tears. Thank you so much for allowing me to share.