8 months since I became an only child

Guest Post

Eight months ago my big brother hung himself. He had struggled with mental illness his whole life and a serious of unfortunate events combined with inadequate medications were the cause behind his choice. He was 24 years old, I was 19 at the time. He was my best friend and I struggle with my own problems from time to time and he would help me through them all. I miss him so much because he was always there for me, and I just wish I could have been there for him more. Since I got that phone call on July 11th of last year I have been so numb to my emotions and can’t begin to think about him because of my fear that I may never stop crying. If anyone else has a similar experience to mine please share it. I feel so completely alone in this and it is so hard to find someone who has been through even close to similar circumstances. I would be more than happy to share more with you and listen to everything you have to say.

Jessamyn

 

i miss you big brother

Letters

I dont even know where to begin…its been 4 weeks to the day since i got that call. Thats not you….i dont understand…u were the smart responsible one of the 3 of us…this was not you…but again i was so focused on keeping my family afloat i had not been in contact w u enough…for that im so sorry…if i could have prevented it im sorry…if i missed something im sorry…for assuming u were so strong im so sorry….i dont know how to deal w this…i dont believe u are gone…i look for u on my way to work…i think its a dream i just some how managed to believe….but i dont know….im so angry..at who i dont know…..i snap at work all day long….that is not me….how do i cope? How do we survive without u….please give me a sign u are really gone and i didnt imagine that terrrible news and the funeral…and that u r ok…i really need peace….

14 years

Guest Post

Today my brother, Taylor has been gone 14 years. 5113 days. I guess it is easier. I don’t feel like I’m being squeezed. Unable to breathe. I am still sad. I think of all that he has missed. Opportunities to laugh at me. To hug me. To yell at me for being stupid. To be proud of me. I think of all there is yet to miss. And of course I think of living longer without him than I did with him. I think of the porch swing we promised to occupy when we were 84 and 82. 14 years. I miss you brother. I miss you so very much.

 

Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep

Inspiration

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

Source: http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/do-not-stand-by-my-grave-and-weep#ixzz3RwNaRtGD
(Family Friend Poems)

Dear John – 14 Years Later

Letters

Dear John,

Or should I say “Hey Dude…wuzzz up???” Hard to believe it has been almost 14 years since you left us. While the pain isn’t as heavy and the grief isn’t as constant, we still miss you. We miss everything that you could have been a part of and haven’t been able to be. For example, my graduations – yes, both of them! Buying my first (and second and third) homes. Remember when we never thought we would have a home of our own? My wedding – it wasn’t quite the same without you there physically. Did you know that there was a point I had thought about asking you to walk me down the aisle? I don’t know if I ever told you that…

You know, I think you and Marco would get along – lots of things in common. I wish I knew what you thought of him. I wish you two could spend time together. I wish you could be here for the other life events that you should be a part of – the birth of your niece or nephew (God-willing), our parents moving into their golden years, their passing (although I guess technically you will be there to meet them). I know you watch over all of us, especially mom and dad. I have received your messages from various places. But it’s still not the same as talking to you. Seeing you – hugging you. Those are the things that I will always miss and will never go away.

Wherever you are, I hope that you have found peace. I hope that you are able to witness all the wonderful things that we are going through and share in them in some way. I hope that you are happy. And one day, I hope you can tell me all about it… “Till we meet again in heaven”.

Love,

Your sister

Tributes

Guest Post

So today my Mom posted this thing from YouTube on Facebook. Someone did a tribute to suicides. Some were famous or cases that were in the news, but so was my brother.

The logical part of my brain says anything that brings attention to the epidemic of suicide is a good thing, but there is another part of me that finds it so distasteful. It isn’t the first time that someone has acknowledged my brother’s suicide in some public way without mine or my mother’s consent, but I find it still raises my hackles. I don’t know these people, I don’t know why they are doing it. They certainly didn’t know my brother. It is completely illogical for me to be angry about it, but a part of me is. Didn’t stop me from sharing the video. But I left off any commentary because my facebook is littered with people I wouldn’t want to have that kind of insight.

Have any of you had any experience with this? Has it happened to you? Thoughts?

Neve

 

My loving brother

Guest Post

My loving brother took his own life on Nov. 2nd 2014. He was 31 years old. I wish I could say I know why he did it but, I DON’T KNOW. I was the last person to talk to him, he expressed his deep love and respect for me. He said I was a great sister. All I know is, he was going through severe depression. My dad had recently been released from the hospital which is why I assumed he was sad.

 

My brother was married and had a daughter who turned 3 years old the following week after his death. He took his own life the day after his wife’s birthday, also in November. I have yet to make sense of this. He never did drugs and was committed to his family and parents, living in Mexico. They all lived in the same house. I was unable to travel for his funeral due to financial reasons and I hadn’t seen any of them including him in 7 years. But I constantly talked on the phone with him. I talked more with him than with my own Dad. All I know is, he was having marital problems, which he kept from his parents (Dad and Stepmom) but shared with my other brother.

 

His wife showed no emotion during his funeral and left the house with the baby the following day after the services according to my other brother.

 

In trying to make sense of this, I’m also trying to forgive myself for not being the big sister I should’ve been. Could I have said anything to him to prevent him from doing this? Should I have made more time to listen? I was at work when he called. I work for a Middle School and didn’t want to loose my composure. I said I’d call back and I didn’t. I love my brother, he was a kind, loving and generous soul. He stayed behind while we all left, to take care of his parents. Why?! Why him?!

Claudia

Where is the guestbook??

Guest Post

What happened to the guestbook? So many people, so many messages, so many years, just deleted and replaced with a meager 5 posts since November?? I am obviously not the only one who isn’t a fan of the new look. I used to visit this site when I felt alone in my suffering and reading all the stories offered comfort. Now the website is just another website claiming to care when really they deleted what helped in the loneliest of times.

Leslie