Jonathan

Guest Post

 

Hey Jonathan, It’s been way too long since I’ve put my thoughts about you in writing again. I have been thinking about you every single day, as it has gotten cold and the snow has come back in Minnesota, we are thinking of you. I was thinking of when I jumped your car and after jumping it accidentally let the jumper cable hit my grille and it broke the grill into a few pieces. I remember I was so upset with you, and it was wrong, I should have been mad with myself and my ability. Who knows, if I had been there to look at your car you might not be gone anymore. Jacob and I are managing, but hurting everyday, we love and miss you sooooo much.

Love,

Justin

Never forget 4-29-13, Jonathan Timm.

What do I say?

Guest Post

I lost my only brother just over 10 weeks ago and am now an only child. I feel like I have lost a part of myself. My question to all the other now-only-childs out there is what do you say, when you meet new people and they ask if you have any brothers or sisters? I can’t bear to say “I had” or “used to have”. Is it too much to say “I have a brother but he died”? What have you found works for you? Thank you.

 

Letter to Nick

Letters

To my beautiful Nicholas,

It’s been nearly 10 weeks since you took your life, out of the blue, with no warning, and I’ve tried to put my thoughts down on paper several times since. Here is my latest attempt. Before, it was easier to pretend you just weren’t here – you were in Liverpool, when I was at home, when you were home, I was in London. Now, however, it’s begun to sink in. The knowledge that I won’t see you again will wash over me like a sickening wave. That dull ache in the pit of my stomach will suddenly stab like a knife, like no pain I’ve felt before. I haven’t just lost you but I’ve lost part of myself. It sounds so cliché but it feels so genuine, we were so close, I feel like I’m venturing into the unknown, living this life without you.

I’ve searched for answers as best I can and have had to convince myself that it wasn’t you that did this, you weren’t in your right mind and a psychosis had taken control. I know you would have called me, you could have said, we were so close and there were lots of things you told me that you would never tell mum or dad. We shared things. I know that the Nicholas I knew would have said goodbye, somehow, someway, instead even my last Facebook messages to you went unread. You’d messaged me when I was in Indonesia and I didn’t message back straight away, even though I saw them almost immediately. Why? You weren’t a priority; you always took ages to message me back and would often ignore me completely. I thought I had time. The rational part of me knows that when everyone says, there was nothing we could have done and that we’re not to blame, they’re right. But my grief for you is not rational. I knew something was wrong. I spoke to Katie and Jonny about you several times over those last couple of months. I told them your behaviour was strange, I was evidently worried about you. And yet I did nothing. On the tube to Heathrow airport, my flatmate Soffi told me her friends brother had just died. It flashed through my mind that perhaps something would happen to you. And yet I did nothing, I went to Indonesia. I’d spoken to you and asked if everything was okay, you assured me it was and you were so confident that I chose to believe you. But deep down I knew and I did nothing, I chose the easy way out and now there’s nothing I can do to rectify that. I have a thousand and one regrets.

It strikes me that I didn’t know what love was until this. I’ve lost the most important and precious person in my life. I try to think what it was to be happy and I can’t remember. At the moment, nothing is real except for the loss I feel. I go out with my friends, I keep busy and I laugh but deep down and underneath everything, I can’t see how I’ll ever be truly happy again. It’s not all bad though, losing you has taught me the value of this life we have. I know now I have to live mine to the fullest for both of us. Perhaps one day I’ll be able to start doing so.

For you, I would have done anything.

Tessa

 

Dear Kevin

Letters

Dear Kevin,

It’s been 3 1/2 weeks since you decided to leave us..your mom, your children, your nieces and nephews, your students, your church family, your family, and me, your sister. I know you were struggling but I thought you were doing better. I saw you the Saturday before and I can still see you sitting in my house. Your absence has left a forever hole in my heart that has not healed since dad died 2 years ago. You left us all. I am now responsible for everything from your estate to taking care of mom. I often question why would you choose this? Why did you do this, knowing mom would be the one to find you? My emotions are all over the place from sadness, to anger, to total loss. I miss you everyday and forever will. Life will never be the same without you Kevin. You are with God and dad now and I know all you sadness and anger is gone, but it is still here with us. I don’t know how to go on, but I have to be strong for mom, my children and yours too. I will always love you.

 

Loss of Victoria

Inspiration

Hi I’m Erika and I’m 16 years old. On November 27, 2014 ten days after my birthday my 21 year old sister Victoria shot herself on thanksgiving. I was at my aunts house and grandmas for thanksgiving which was like 2 minutes away. A lot of fighting had been happening between my mom and Victoria. We always fought, they had a closer relationship and I felt I was off the side. Anyone they had argued all day and Victoria was acting weird all month, I just thought she was being hateful. Anyway I come home from thanksgiving dinner, I go into my room through the bathroom and I see her laying there. Blood everywhere. I ran to my mom and before I know it. Cops were everywhere, police time was taped around my house, I knew my life was never going to be the same again. Almost a year later and In between that time my mom has tried to commit suicide, her boyfriend is living with her, she went to California for rehab she didn’t really do anything…she’s not right right now… I was just 16 and I acted like I was 12… Tori did everything for me. Now I’m here sitting a cafe waiting for my boyfriends football game to end. I feel like I’m 36 now. I live with my aunt, two minutes away from the house she died in, 10 minutes away from my mom. As thanksgiving is coming I feel pretty depressed… But I’m trying everyday.

My youngest sister, Cathy

Guest Post

It’s only been a week since you decided to leave us, but it’s been the longest week of my life. I am so sorry that I was angry with you most of the time for not fighting harder. I wish I could have been kinder to you, more compassionate. I miss you so much – I can’t even describe the pain. I am just so sorry.

Kate

 

It gets better…

Inspiration

My brother took his life 9 years ago. I never thought that aching/empty/scared/lonely feeling would go away. 9 years out, they have subsided. Now, I’m in a place I never thought I would get to— now I’m encouraging others. I promise, it does get better. It sucks and hurts and is physically and emotionally draining, but you too will be a support one day for someone else going through this. Focus on that day – you’re going to make it! Those before you have a ton of faith and strength for you while your legs are getting stronger. You will be able to be that to someone too one day. Maybe not today or a year from now, but one day you will be there.

To my best friend and also my brother…

Guest Post

To my best friend and also my brother…Keegan. It’s almost been four months now and I’ve been told that as time passes it gets easier. Well I’m not sure who came up with that statement but it’s a lie. The girls and I miss you so much. I’ve been being so strong for them because I know that’s what you would want/expect from me. I feel like I let you down as a sister by moving out last year. I know you were mad at me but I was obviously too selfish to care. I cry everyday in hopes that I can see you one last time. You were only 16, about to get your license, you had so much going for you dude. You were amazing at guitar, I watch videos of you playing frequently and find myself bawling. I’m sorry for the times I would knock on your door and tell you to turn your amp down when I lived at home. I would do anything in this world to hear that again. I worry about you a lot, I worry about if you’re safe up there, if you have friends, are you really watching over me? Oh and I hope you met Granny at the gates of heaven. And btw Uncle Chuck has cancer again and they said its spread too much and he’s on a liquid only diet. Things are terrible here. I just miss you so much and I wish you were here to help me get through all this. I need you and I love you.

 

to my only older brother

Guest Post

cory. its been only two months since it happened. you had just turned 22 a few weeks prior, i had just graduated high school the week before, came home from the beach the day of. i want to say that it hasn’t hit me yet that you’re gone, but the logical side of my brain wont let me fake it. now being a college freshman, there are a few things that i’d like to say to you, since i am not available to visit you.

 

first. i’m sorry. i’m sorry you had to suffer, whether it was by yourself, or however much you shared to your friends. i’m sorry i couldn’t be as supportive as i should have been. you really had me worried when you sent out that text to everyone in your contacts, i should have taken it as a sign that something was up. but i didn’t. i left you fool everyone you were okay, and that it was nothing. i left you fool me, and i should have been the one to call you out on it. i knew you better than anyone in our family. there’s still things that i keep secret. i promised, remember?

 

i’m also sorry you couldn’t confide in me when grandpa passed away almost a year earlier. i was hurting too you know? we were all close to him; you especially being the first grandchild and grandson. i understand completely.

 

second. i wish you could have seen me off to college. tomorrow is my first day of classes as a college freshman. i would have hoped you could have been here to help move me in, see me off. become successful. well, i guess you can now. you’re just not physically here with me.

 

its weird. the family reunion had just passed and all i could think about was how out of place i was, no matter who was there to make me laugh, it still wasn’t the same without you or grandpa being there. it was so quiet. same happened with father’s day. i feel so lost without you. we stuck together through everything; mom and dad’s divorce. going every other weekend. mom’s boyfriends and constant moves. any trouble you had gotten yourself into. i was there every step of the way, supporting your decisions no matter what mom thought. i’m sorry i couldn’t have been there with you for this final step.

 

speaking of, i’m sure you know already though but, mom hasn’t been the same since you’ve been gone. she’s more depressed than i have ever seen her. day by day she’s getting a little better, but it’s still a very sensitive topic to discuss. Ry is doin fine, for the most part. she missed you too, probably more than she lets on, but that’s ryleigh for you, our baby sis haha.

 

i met our uncle tim by the way. he’s a really rad dude, kinda strange but. i wish you could have been here for that too.

 

oh, and i got a grateful dead sticker for you the last time i went down to the beach. it’s pretty awesome, you’d be so proud of me. i also showed grandma them, she doesn’t know what to think haha.

 

well. i have early classes to get up for. i just want you to know that i love you, i never stopped supporting you, i won’t now either. i miss you so much you wouldn’t believe it. Jasper and Daisy do too. they wonder where you’re at, you never come to visit anymore. little fat cat haha.

 

don’t be a stranger to my dreams, okay?

 

-You’re little sister, Beanie