I’m missing you more than I should today. My heart is tearing more and more as the minutes pass. My chest is tight, I feel like I’m suffocating.… my eyes can’t hold back the pouring tears today. I’m hurting here without you today. You’re the only comfort my body needs today, and you’re not here. My throat can’t handle the gulps anymore… the pressure of grief. I cut my hair this morning. I showered, I drank water, I slept in, Im trying brother.. I miss you so f** much today.
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I just lost both my brothers to suicide
I just lost both of my brothers to suicide. My family is very close, especially us siblings. I’m the oldest and only girl. My brothers were my best friends, we talked every day. The first brother to pass was 17 years old. Then, exactly 4 weeks later to the day, my 23 year old brother also passed. We had all been talking and open about our grief and thoughts about suicide to protect each other. We kept encouraging my brother to get counseling/therapy, we were all looking out for each other. I don’t know why this is happening but I’m the only sibling left… They were so young and won’t get to experience so much.
To My Bro Dan
Dan I miss you. It’s been three whole weeks and I just don’t know how to deal with the fact that you’re gone. It’s feels surreal. I miss you Dan. I know we didn’t talk much recently but please believe me when I say that I was trying to protect myself…. in the past, challenging times for you meant that I wasn’t safe. But I know you tried. You tried so hard, you sweet boy.
You were kind and loving and I’m told that you were the most devoted friend. We hold the same things dear Dan. We both love art and odd things in nature. You thought it was the coolest thing when your big sister in grad school got her motorcycle license and I thought your tattoos were beautiful – I just got a temporary one for you Dan. It’s the one you got for Kraina because I want to remember you as your most loving self. Your love for her was magic. I prayed that one day I’d find that kind of love, and I did Dan. I wish you would’ve gotten to know Reuven more. I know he doesn’t look like your type with his engineer vibe but he’s so quirky and creative too- he’s one of us Dan. And he’s so sensitive and loving. Inside, you guys are very similar actually.
You were kind and loving and I’m told that you were the most devoted friend. We hold the same things dear Dan. We both love art and odd things in nature. You thought it was the coolest thing when your big sister in grad school got her motorcycle license and I thought your tattoos were beautiful – I just got a temporary one for you Dan. It’s the one you got for Kraina because I want to remember you as your most loving self. Your love for her was magic. I prayed that one day I’d find that kind of love, and I did Dan. I wish you would’ve gotten to know Reuven more. I know he doesn’t look like your type with his engineer vibe but he’s so quirky and creative too- he’s one of us Dan. And he’s so sensitive and loving. Inside, you guys are very similar actually.
I wish we could go kayaking and sea glass collecting together. We totally could have taken a trip together- you, Kraina, reuven and me. I think we’d all love Guatemala. I’m gonna take Ma there and we’re gonna hike the volcano and think of you. You would have loved so many parts of life Dan. I know you were so tortured and couldn’t accept love and I’m so sorry for being obnoxious to you when we were younger. I was honestly scared of you and angry that you made my life unsafe and unpredictable. But we don’t need to talk about that now. I know you felt guilty for that and I just want you to know that I forgive you for those years. I worked through it in therapy and I’m really okay. You were just a kid and life was so freaking hard. I wish you could forgive yourself too, and forgive me.
I really thought you turned into such a cool person – kind, creative and so much generosity. Ugh I should’ve given you that darn guitar you wanted.
Dan I don’t know where you are right now but I just want you to know that I love you. You’re my only sibling look-alike and beyond that, we’re made of similar stuff. We both feel and care a bit too deeply (you were so wise in so many ways), we have that creative eye, love animals, workout lovers. We’re kind of spiritual- not religious, don’t worry.
Dan I know you were so proud of me for breaking the mold. You thought it was so cool I took pole classes – said you respected the workout and that I’m doing me. Well I think you’d think it’s cool that I started a boudoir photography business. I’m ducking out of corporate a bit to pursue a creative passion. It brings me such joy Dan. I wish I could tell you so you could be proud of me.
We were the most open minded in our family Dan. I really thought you and me would be friends one day. Our kids would look alike. It’s like the future was just snatched from me and I really was looking forward to it.
Please Dan, wherever you are, know your big sis loves you and was proud of you. At just 23, you were so much bigger at than all of us in a lot of ways. I promise to keep you alive by doing and being in ways you would.
I’ve been in touch with Kraina and she’s so wonderful. I wish you guys were together when you passed, for your sake but not for hers. She’s really suffering as it is. But she got the crane tattoo also. She said “he got it for me so I’m getting it for him”. So we’re tattoo sisters now 🙂 I love mine. Feels like I see some of you every day… and I love what it says about me- I’m making bold statements for my bro, and I’m wearing my feelings on my sleeve – get it? Cuz it’s on my wrist? I love you Dan. I’m gonna make you proud. Promise. Love, Neens
For Marcus
Between each heartbeat I think of you.
You were the first real person I loved outside of our parents.
I thought you would be here forever. Long after I’d gone. I never contemplated you going. Now you’re gone. Before mom and dad. Before aunts and uncles. Before me.
I don’t want to be here without you. I don’t want to have to mourn our parents without you. We were supposed to help each other through that.
It feels as though I’ve lost a part of myself. When you were alive I knew (I just knew) there was a piece of me that was out there in you. Now there’s just a hole.
You are gone. You are not gone. I feel like I’m living two realities. I feel as though I’m reaching for something I will never find. I’m trying to grasp something that isn’t there.
My dear little brother. I know you’re at peace now, but the peace brought by that realization is so fleeting.
I miss you. I love you.
One week 💔
One week you have been gone Scott… my heart is breaking…you took your life… things are in slow motion… not sure how to navigate through this…. I can’t sleep….
Two days, two weeks, two years
In two days, it will have been two years since the last time I saw you alive. In two weeks, it will be two years since you left us. My baby brother.
Nearly two years without you. It feels like yesterday. It feels like a lifetime ago. It feels like it never happened, and it feels like it happens over and over whenever I remember you’re gone. Whenever I dream about you and wake up and realize you’re still gone. You left. You gave up. You’re never coming back.
I’m still angry at you. The guilt that I wasn’t there for you still overwhelms me. The sorrow that you were alone in your last moments suffocates me.
How did we not know? Why couldn’t you tell us? Why couldn’t you tell me? What triggered you? What broke the camels back? Why didn’t you leave a note? Why didn’t you explain? Why, two years later do we still not know why you did this?
You could have come to me! You knew about my attempt when I was 16. You knew about my mental health struggles. You knew that I had gotten help! I would have helped you get help! I wouldn’t have shamed you, or told you just to pray about it. I would have just loved you, and helped you find the help you needed. Hell, I would have offered to pay for it if you needed it! I would have done anything to still have you here with us.
Dad, Jen and I are trying to move on. We’re trying to keep living and pursuing our lives. But I think mom’s giving up. You’re still her favorite. She’ll never admit it, and refuses to see it. Two years later, She still sleeps with your stuffed manatee from when you were a kid. She’s still looking for someone to blame. It changes every time I talk to her, but it doesn’t change the fact that you’re gone.
I read a book the other day where one of the characters lost her brother almost exactly how we lost you. It wrecked me. I threw the book and lost myself to the grief again.
I feel selfish. Your pain, tiredness, anger, whatever led you to take your life must have been so overwhelming. But here I am, complaining about how it’s affected me. I feel justified though, because whatever you were facing is over now. But the pain you left me with. The abandonment, the loneliness, the missing you, I still have to live with. Everyday. And then I feel selfish again, and hate myself for not being with you. For not helping carry whatever burden felt like too much for you. That’s what big sisters are supposed to do. We’re supposed to life the burdens of our siblings. We’re supposed to help guide them. To show them our mistakes and how to avoid them.
Michael. I miss you. I love you. I hate you. I grieve you.
The Day That Will Change Me Forever
Today is the day I lost my only brother. How did I not know that you were hurting so deeply? What could I have done differently? This morning was the morning you decided to end your pain forever. I wish I could have helped you find a different way to make the hurt disappear. Today is the day that a piece of me, a piece that grew with me for 38 years, is gone forever.
Thank you for your last words
Hey Christian. I’m sorry for everything you were suffering toward the end. But the past 4 years especially. I wish I had been there for you more. Called more. Been physically present with you more. I want you to know I’m not angry with you. I know if you made this choice it was your final resort. Just know that I will love you forever and always. You are my brother for life. I hope to see you again. Thank you for the video you left for all of us. You left us with an incredible gift of knowing that you knew you were loved by us and that you loved us too. Thank you for that. I love you, sweet Christian.
Dear Daniel
It’s been so long, buddy, a full year and a half without you. I still am in a denial I think I never really will be able to comprehend why and why that night. I wish so badly that we can unlock your phone still and I am a little mad you left without saying goodbye, you had no note with you. This brings me back to my denial I can’t accept that you are gone buddy I think everything I’ve done so far even made it seem ok by saying if I do it I’m doing it for you like nursing school hopefully I finish this year or like one day opening up Daniels Health, maybe these just make me feel better but I hope you’re proud. I know you are in peace and I hope that heaven is truly the happiest place on earth. I still cry every day sometimes more than once but there are always times when I am with the rest of the siblings and everything is ok I know you are with us when were all together. Things have gotten crazier in a way that inflation has begun like crazy, I think it is ok since hopefully ill be rich soon, I just wish you could’ve seen all what the future will hold and what will change I wish you can come and hug me again like the time I gave you your LV wallet if I had known that would be the last gift I would buy you the world buddy. I hate myself so much for not knowing better I don’t think I will ever forgive myself for our little arguments and the times I put friends before you but I hope you know everything I do is for you I miss you more than anything and if I could I would go back in a heartbeat. I’m going to be 21 soon which is exciting but so scary since you were only 21 when you left this earth buddy. I know you are two years older than me but in some aspects, I felt as though I was your older sister and I failed you and I am so sorry. I will continue working on myself and give Laib, Yusa, and Marii the life your would’ve wanted. I hope heaven is a breath of fresh air for you and I hope your experience endless amounts of happiness love you so much, buddy.