Grief

Guest Post

Grief has the tendency of kicking me when I’m down
It has a knack for taking me by surprise, creeping up on me when I least expect it
Sometimes it’s with me all day, washing over me like waves, back and forth
At other times it’s like a hit and run, there one second and gone the next
It grips my heart and squeezes it, drenching out the sadness like juice
Loss weighs on my chest like a stone carved from my memories
Those moments, smiles and wishes haunting my mind
Grief is a welcome friend
I embrace it willingly, tenderly, like a comrade absent for too long
It cleanses my soul, washing it with tears
It lifts the pressure from my aching bones
Maybe for just a minute, maybe for days
It’s with me always
Sometimes lurching in the shadows, sometimes holding my hand
Leading me into the darkness, or showing me the light

 

I miss you Johnny

Guest Post

Hey bub,

It’s been 3 months (11-12-15) since you left us here. So much has changed for example I got to meet Melinda’s girlfriend and daughter Grace. Crystal says you are still going to prom with her, she’s getting a dress in your favorite color (blue) and she’s going to hold your picture up at the photo booth I think. They are giving you a page in the yearbook in your memory and I handed in a sinking picture for the senior sibling page. They took those pictures the week I came back to school. I still can’t believe your not here to help keep the boys away from me or see me grow up in person. I miss you a ton Johnny…I love you and I always will bub.

 

Timmy

Guest Post

My brother took his life. We don’t know what day he died because his body wasn’t found in time for the medical examiner to determine date of death. They put they day he was found (November 10th, 2015) as his day of death. I would do anything to have my brother back. I will miss him for the rest of my life. I will cry every day for the rest of my life. I miss you Timmy.

 

I will miss you every second of every day for the rest of my life

Letters

18 days have gone by, and it still does not feel real. I keep thinking I will wake up and realize this was someone’s sick joke. I keep asking God to help me understand, but there doesn’t seem to be an answer. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me when I find myself trying not to think about it. I just don’t know how someone can live through so much pain, then when their life should be fabulous, all those demons come out to play. I know this is horrible, but I am so damn angry. No goodbye, nothing…you just left. What am I supposed to do now? You told me nothing would ever tear us apart, we have always been in this together. There is no one else. I look around, and I am trying so hard to be the brick I have always been, but I feel myself crumbling. I can’t believe I didn’t have any premonition, that my day just went on without my heart skipping a beat to give me some warning. Didn’t you know, didn’t you understand how much you are loved and valued? After everything we have been through, not even a single word? You always had those beautiful little quotes, and your famous words, ” I’m Fine…I Love You,” but dammit, you couldn’t love yourself enough to live? God help me, but I am so damn angry with those who tortured your soul, and I am angry that those of us who love you unconditionally were not enough, and I AM angry that such a beautiful life has left this earth way too young, and my heart is devastated that those precious grand babies and your nephew will never understand just how much you loved them.

 

I miss you sis

Letters

 

Kat,

 

Today marks 2 months since you died. 11/2/15. I miss you SO SO much. The only silver lining is that you are truly out of pain, I know you couldn’t live any longer in this world and you finally succeeded in a way we couldn’t just bring you to the hospital and pump your stomach.

I feel like my childhood is gone. I have all these memories flooding back, secrets and inside jokes that only WE shared. Because that’s what sisters do. This is much different than when dad died 5 years ago. He was my rock, my hero, and his death devastated us both. I wish he was here to comfort me. I’m 31 and my dad is dead and my sister is dead and I’m only left with mom. She did something last night and YOU are the only person who would understand why it was hurtful. You knew me better than anyone. But this is a different type of grief because siblings share something special. Something I didn’t realize until the day you died. A bond that is different than others.

I hope you know how much I loved you (well still do..) There is so much more I want to say to you. But I am hurting and missing you terribly. You come back now polar bear?

 

Love you always,

Your Megs

 

I Miss You Both!

Guest Post

I am sibling Survivor of two very special pieces of my heart. My baby brother Michael Phelps on July 3,2005 and my protector, my oldest sister Mareesa on March 1, 2011 . There’s nothing that will ever take that pain away and I’m going to grieve for them but that’s ok – they’re on my mind and in my heart 24/7. We had that sibling bond .❤

 

Oh Brother – How I miss you

Guest Post

Damn it Spence..I don’t even know where to begin.

The one year mark is getting closer and part of me is still in denial. It’s easy to pretend you’re off stationed somewhere with the Army, deployed to Afghanistan, even though I know it’s not true.

Words cannot express how much I miss you, how often you’re on my mind. You spent the day before at my house with your nephew, brother-in-law, and I. You left before I got to give you a hug and say goodbye, which I now believe was intentional. I’ve come to realize you were saying your goodbyes to us, which is even more devastating.

I should have paid better attention, I should have recognized the signs. I shouldn’t have believe your tough guy attitude. I have so many What If’s and Should Of’s that run through my mind.

I was the first person contacted once you were found and after hanging up the phone I completely lost it. Hyperventilating, screaming, and sobbing.

I have cried so many tears for you little brother! You had become such a constant part of my life after you got out of the Army. I loved spending time with you because we knew and understood each other so well.

I straight up told your dad I wanted to speak at your funeral, because out of the entire family, I was the only one who knew you, who actually had a relationship with you!

And it was rough for multiple reasons. But I closed with a goodbye and thank you to you–Thank you for letting me be a part of your life, for being a great brother and friend. Thank you for being such an amazing uncle to my son!

It’s hard explaining to him that he’ll never get to see you again.

But most of all, You have NO IDEA how much your death has affected so many. My mom & your dad, after 15 years, are finalizing their divorce. Our family literally fell apart.

You also missed the gift of fatherhood, the birth of your son, who is so adorable and looks like you!

It’s a hard pill to swallow knowing that you won’t be around, that there will not be any future memories with you.

Your death has forever changed me, I will never be the same. All I know is I’m accepting you found peace your way. I miss you. I love you.

Spencer L. Hiatt

08.02.1989 – 01.26.2015

 

To Sul

Letters

Hey Sul, it’s been 3 years and 17 days since my life turned upside down because of one action. I miss you everyday, and I wish I could just run into your arms and have you hold me. I know you were nine years older than me and always in and out of boarding school and rehab while I was growing up. I still remember almost every car ride and pizza outing and all the times we had, but as time goes on its hard to remember the way you always smelt and the sound of your voice. Life hasn’t been the easiest since you’ve left and mom and dad haven’t really told me everything about it, but maybe they think that 14 is just to young to hear about that. Landon and I have gotten so much closer, but still I don’t feel as close as you and I were. I miss our talks about how were the odd ones out in the family since we were adopted and teasing the rest of the family. Ive had a lot of rough patches thinking about how it would just be easier for everyone if I left and joined you and granddad in heaven, but I couldn’t put mom and dad through anything again. I hope to see you again, and I love you to the moon and back a thousand times.

Love,

Your baby sister