It’s not the end for you – although it was an end for them

Inspiration

On March 14th 2008, I found my brother lifeless. I was 13. I am currently 21 and I am living. I am living for me because I know my brother wouldn’t want my life to stop just because he chose to take his. My brother was & still is my best friend, my protector, my confidant. I have gone 8 years without him now; no it’s not easy, but you will get through it. Your life is not over, although you may feel like it is. Finding him will forever be an image in my mind, but I will always love him and I forgive him because ‘the time came when the pain it took to stay, was greater than the pain it took to go.’

For my brother.

 

Missing you Christina

Letters

It’s been some time Chris, and while I think of you on occasion, I am sorry to say I don’t enough. Many out there say they think of a lost sibling every day, but I don’t. I do not say this out of a lack of love or caring for you but I am a “runner”. I have a hard time with my emotions so I think my brain shuts out certain things to protect itself. That said, when I do think of you I get very emotional. It’s a reaction of “shit, really, this sucks on so many dimensions”. Your life, your child, your support of mom and dad (until mom passed). All thrown away in a moment of passion. We are a lot alike at some level in terms of being passionate emotional beings that were confused at some level by the fundamental complexity and unfairness of life. I managed to escape into workaholism and escape alcohol being one area. I thank God that in the end we were on what I thought was very good terms. I had been arrogant and judgmental earlier in your life about your decisions and I have felt bad about that for a long time. That said, I think we really bonded later in life when I saw weakness and difficulty in my own existence and you helped me through it. As is often natural, I feel a lot of guilt over the fact that I delayed my trip to Montana to help you. We had spoken that prior week and I had to defer. I think that may have been a fix for the issues but who knows. In any event, I love you and miss you and we keep an eye on your boy. Fortunately we are on good terms with Travis and believe he genuinely loves that little guy and does a good job of raising him. It’s also encouraging that your friend (her name escapes me) is involved with Tristan. I know you had some questions about her capacity to do that but I think it is very positive. Hope all is well in your electrical existence in the universe that you so passionately studied in terms of meaning. I think you were really on to something. Love you forever and always…

My Vagabond

Guest Post

Corey, my only sibling and older brother. We never fought. We understood each other in ways that I can’t even explain. Knowing that he always struggled, had this deep pain that none of us could even begin to comprehend. But always tried to keep a positive exterior, smiling and laughing, being an inspiration to everyone that surrounded him… He just didn’t realize how much he impacted every ones lives. Took his life March 12th, the night we got back from a comedy show. I am 20 years old and Corey was 25, this has felt like a nightmare since the day I woke up to the phone call… He had hung himself. Which is the hardest part for me to shake. The pain is too real now, confused, lost, hurt. Knowing you are finally at peace is somewhat comforting, I just wish I could hug you once more, that scruffy facial hair on my cheek. Feel your presence and hear the reassuring advice you always gave me. He was my angel from the beginning and always will be.
-Lil Sis

 

My beautiful angel sister

Letters

Jode, I wish I could of taken your pain away, even just for a day so you could feel like the girl you should of felt. My heart is breaking so much that I can’t even explain. It’s been 18 wks since you decided to leave. I miss your voice, your smile and your kindness. You were a great sister and a loving aunty. Frankie always asks where you are and can we go and see Jodie! I tell him your with the Stars.

I think about you every day. Miss you and love you to the stars and back my beautiful angel sister, until we meet again xxxxxxxxx

 

My “Bromo”

Guest Post

It’s been a little over 2 years. It hasn’t been easy; not for me and not for loved ones on both sides of the family. Some of us are still doing “the detective work”- asking why. We know we will never know. I just hope (and deep down I know that you are) that you are at peace and in a better place. The grief comes and goes…sometimes in tidal waves and sometimes completely unexpectedly. I think it might be like this for awhile. Anyway, we all love you (always) and miss you a ton. Wish you were here Bromo.

 

My brother, my friend

Guest Post

Just buried my brother on April 1. I lost my best friend, my protector, and older brother to suicide. I swear I can still hear him walk through my house and call my name. There is not a day that has gone by that I don’t cry. My birthday was 4 days later; it was the second worst day of my life. I am 33 – my brother would be 37 in July. Is this pain going to ease? I’m lost without my friend. I’m confused – why? Why did he have to come to my house and shoot himself in my driveway? We have always been so close…why would he do this to me?

 

Lost

Guest Post

I lost my 37 year old brother one month ago today. It feels like a nightmare and I would give anything to make it go away. If I can barely get through a day without a wide range of emotions, how on Earth will I make it a year and beyond? This didn’t need to happen, shouldn’t have happened; please Lord help undo this painful mess. The love of your kids…why couldn’t you at least still feel or see that? It could have pulled you through. I would have done anything if you just would have called me. Are you ok? Are you at peace? Are you by me? I don’t feel you by me. Please stay close.

 

My brother

Guest Post

Dear Luis,
It has been a month and a half since you died. I miss you so much I cry everyday. I miss how you’d tell me every time I saw you that you loved me. We weren’t brothers by blood, but that didn’t matter. I miss how you’d make me laugh like a fool, and I loved making you laugh. I still remember your voice so clearly. Remember when I taught you those words in Gypsy? May tut kamavva. – I love you.

I’m so sorry that I ignored your calls and texts so many times over the last year always saying that I was too busy. You stole such a big piece of my heart, and when I heard you passed I thought I was having a heart attack. Even still my stomach aches for the pain that I know you were in in those last moments. I told you that I would die for you because you were so afraid of death.

Mom and dad are having a hard time, I see them almost everyday. At your funeral your mom looked at me and said “Alex, my lovely, you have lost your true brother.”

I never wanted you to have any pain. Now, you don’t, you’re free, that’s what I lived and prayed for all these years. I love you. I always will.
Love,
Alex

 

Big Al

Letters

Hey bub. It’s been a while. Just barely over a year and a month. Things are so different now. Everyone has lost a little piece of their heart,smile,attitude,soul,laugh. Things have been so dull. We really really miss you Alex.

I graduated 8th grade you know. I’m sure you were there watching over me. Did you see I’m working at Chick Fil A like you bub? The other night i was having a really awful day. Sometimes work makes it worse. But normally, i love going.

I’ve made it through almost my whole freshman year. Are you proud of me? I’m making pretty good grades! I recognize some of the teachers’ names and connect them with your old stories. It makes me smile most days. Others it makes me cry.

I’ve got a boyfriend. Do you like him? I know he’s a bit older. But I think it’s alright. He asked me to prom. Shif was in on the prom-posal. Did you watch me? He keeps me happy and makes me feel loved everyday. We talk about you sometimes. I heard you two were friends. That makes me happy.

I’ve survived a year without you. I don’t know how. The days feel like years and my memories start fading. Will you help me remember them? People have been saying something was wrong with your brain. CTE. Caused by concussions and hard hits. I know you had some of those.

I really miss you bub. I remember that night so well. I yelled and screamed and told you to not worry because i was getting help. Did you hear me? When i no longer heard you, I told the 911 operator that I had just lost my best friend. She told me that I was wrong but she lied. I remember telling the officer where you were. Finding out you were dead. I remember being so scared and alone and just wanting someone to come home. It was a really bad night.

But I miss you bub. And I love you.
You were my best friend, still are, and will forever be.
I wish I could know exactly when I would see you again. That would make me happy. I really really miss you.
I hope Heaven is doing you good. I know you’re having lots of fun.
I love you Alex. Please never forget.

 

Happy Birthday

Guest Post

Happy Birthday, you would be 24 years old today. I was only 13 when you took your life at 18 years old. I cry because its been 6 years and I try so hard to hold onto the memories I have of you. I think about how proud you would be of me. Of hanging out with you today if you were still here. Watching a movie, playing video games, fighting with you. All I have are your sneakers, a painting you did, and your deodorant I used to love the smell of. I’m finally going to counseling for everything. It hurts me so bad that suicide is something that no one talks about. How can I finally be at peace with it? I love you so much and I made you a cake. 🙂
-Love you lots
Your little sis