Dealing with your death in May was tough enough. Being a glutton for punishment, I requested the files from the police on your death. I am not sure why they did not tell me about your texts to someone where you laid out your plan to overdose on fentanyl…..why the hell did they list your death an accidental overdose?? Now, 4 months later, I feel like I lost you all over again. You were my big brother, but I was always the responsible one…..how could I let you down like this.
I know I am not alone in losing a sibling, this site has taught me that, but I just found out this was suicide yesterday, the wounds have been torn back open. I feel silly, why am I this broken up over this little piece of news, I mean, dead is dead. Nothing changes the fact that your ashes are sitting on a shelf in my house. I feel so…lost.

It killed me 6 years before you died to let go of you. You weren’t answering your phone again, so we had our babies in the car and drove an hour to your house at night to bang on windows and doors again, because we were worried you took your life but really it was just the drugs again. You were ashamed or maybe just high, so you wouldn’t answer our calls, texts and we’d run over and do this. Then after a few weeks you’d call and I’d see you again for awhile (and not talk about It) and then the cycle would begin again. But that night I thought, if he’s on drugs and accidentally shoots me while I’m breaking in the window, then he’ll really kill himself. A little voice in my head said What about your babies, don’t they need you too? I ran back to the car in that horrible neighborhood and I knew I had to let you go. Meaning I had to stop calling you every day–I just had to take you when I could get you. I wasn’t saving you–this wasn’t helping you and I needed to save myself. I realized you would never get “back on track”. This was who you were. It was like a death, letting go of that–my dreams for you were so attainable–you get a job and we go on camping trips with both our families. But I had to accept you in your sickness and take you when I could get you. It seemed to kill you too, you could feel that I had stopped pulling for you. That I simply accepted and loved you wasn’t enough. But I had to choose my family. When I got upset and missed you, I told myself at least you were still alive and that had to be enough.
The night you died last year, I felt you were in danger. But I was dealing with my own issues, and I chose myself. I have to be OK with that. Because however I map it out, it always ends up the same–you die. If I showed up that night, you may have lived another day but the next day you would have died. And I would be more destroyed than I am now. I have a family and is it OK if one of us is happy? You and Bob are both gone now and have left me alone with our parents and your baby. I’ve lost all my history without my brothers. I wanted to talk to you about the night Bob died and how we cried violently into each others’ necks. I have your necklace I gave you when I left for college when you were 7. I told you when you got scared to touch it and remember who you were. It kills me that you had it near you when you died. You were scared. I can’t wear it. I don’t even want to believe you are dead even though I saw you. I am so angry and because of your sad baby I can’t even feel anything more than guilt. I don’t feel allowed to properly mourn you. I keep trying to figure out how to solve this problem that can’t be solved. It’s very final but in my head I’m just mad because you aren’t calling me back.
If I had driven over there, I would have been choosing that insanity. I couldn’t keep trying to help and not get sucked down again myself.
All I have is these stupid photos and texts and emails and they aren’t enough to explain who we were to each other. It’s horrible that in one of them I’m yelling at you because you were killing us. But at least I said something–we always walked on eggshells around you. Why didn’t we take any photos together in the last 10 years? This is sounding very angry and tomorrow I will feel bad about writing this but it’s how I feel at the moment. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I had to live. I love you so much why did you leave us? I know why. I just don’t accept it. But it doesn’t matter that I don’t. It just is.
The day after you died, we didn’t know yet. But we left work early to go find you. I left you a voicemail because I hoped hearing my voice would help you respond. Stopped at parents’ first. The baby was there. Dad wondered why you weren’t answering your phone. I felt a little hysterical suddenly and focused that on buying the baby a wagon. Suddenly it seemed very important. I dragged everyone to Toys R Us and when we came back we got the message. I keep staring at the photo of our kids laughing together right before that. I think I’m looking for what we lost.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I spent most of my life trying to keep you alive. I don’t want any of this to infect my own babies or yours. I don’t know how it can’t. I want to be happy again. I worked so hard to have boundaries and built my family so carefully. We deserve to have joy. Can’t one of us be happy? I guess I’ll have to keep asking the question until I hear you say Yes. I know it’s probably just me answering. But I have to keep asking.

At 21 years old, I should be out destroying my liver in the name of ignorance fueled youth. At 14 you should’ve been swooning over a boy I’d eventually have to threaten. Never in my life could I have fathomed that your daddy was going to call me with this news July 31st. My entire world crumbled. My kiddo is gone. Some days it feels like entirely too much to handle. We were bookend siblings. We were a team. I’m not mad at you. My heart hurts. It hurts to know you were hurting bad enough that you felt this was your only option. I love and miss you so much.

Dear Brother
It’s been a while, 7 years in fact, and life has never really been the same since that that day. God only knows how much you struggled, and I can only imagine how much pain you went through. I understand, it just still hurts so much.
I know you would want me to be happy and free, in ways you couldn’t be, but I have to be honest and say how much it still hurts. I know I’m not the same, but I’m trying really hard to be the genuinely happy person I was way back when. Please don’t feel bad about what happened, it’s not your pain to feel anymore, but I pray that one day I will take the pain and become all that I am sure you would love me to be.
I miss you brother. Even though there was a big age gap between us, I feel connected to you like no one else in our family. You and I are so similar, and sadly it’s only through your death that I now see how many things we share in common – spirituality, love of adventure, and music. I wish so much you were still here to explore these things with you now that I’ve grown up. To be your friend.
I love you. I always did, even when I was too caught up in my own trivialities that kept me from trying to help you more. Time cannot bring you back, but I know that I’ll see you again one day and till then, you’ll be with me through it all, every step of the way.
I’ll always be your little sister. You’ll always be my big brother. There will always be love.
xxx

My Dear sister, I miss your smile and laugh. Also, your kindness, generosity and humor. The day I found out you left is was the worst day of my life. I have such good memories of you and the generosity you have shown everyone who knew you and loved you. You must know many people loved you especially your family. We desperately miss you. Many nights I stare at the stars and think about you. We will always love you.
Your loving sister, June

My brother robbie and i had a hard time growing up. we were poor and our parents were separated. we were moved to florida from new hampshire when we were very small so my mother could start a new life. all though my mom tried her best rob and i always had very bad things happening to us. but no matter how bad it seemed we always had each other. we did everything together . my big brother was the world to me . we have older siblings and a younger brother from my moms 2nd husband but no one else had the same mom and dad so we were especially close.August 14 2016 i found my brother dead in his bathtub. he shot himself in the head with a cross bow. it was the worst day of my life so far. i miss him. everyone else is mad at him but i am not i am just void of happiness now. i have no one who will be my robbie now. we both have mental issues and take medicine and we are both under a lot of stress. four days before i found him i googled how to kill myself without hurting my kids and family. it should have been me not him. however i have 3 kids and i couldn’t do it. robbie has a son named joseph. he is only 1 1/2 years old and lives in a hospital for a rare disease called crouzons. my nephew is a wonderful baby but my brother had a lot on his plate. he has paranoid delusional schizophrenia and he heard voices and saw things. he always thought the government was after him and other people too. also he had a terrible accident about 10 years ago the left him in a lot of pain everyday. the day before he did it he took me to the movies and to the mall . we saw the new suicide squad movie it was great. we had fun we even sat in a chair for a mall massage . the massage hurt his legs really bad though. then i got my toes done and he was so happy . we were together and had fun. that was my last day with him. the next day i was going thru some issues myself and was going to his house because i needed him to talk to. he always had good advice for me and he is the one person in the world i am safe around. robbie would never hurt my feelings or put me down he was the best brother on the earth. he always helped me with my babies and they all were so close to him. now my 13 year old daughter is a total wreck.my 12 year old son is very protective of me like he wants to take robbies place and my 7 year old girl didn’t talk for a while. now they are trying to get back to normal but i can see the difference in they’re faces. i cry about every 10 minutes and i keep seeing him like that. we had an open casket at my request so that i could try to remember him sleeping instead of the horrible way i found him but it isn’t working. i keep having nightmares. robbie was my rock.i am currently off of my medicine and i think i need therapy but i don’t think that therapy will work like maybe it will or it may make things worse. there are so many thoughts i have but that is just the jist of what’s going on in my head right this moment. i need someone to be my adult right now i am not capable of doing this alone.

It’s not even been a month that my brother hanged himself. Still not able to believe that he is no more in this world. Not able to understand why I am still alive. I feel responsible for everything he had gone through. I feel like dying. I did not speak to him as I was angry at him for few months. Before talking to him he left. I need him back.

Dean, I can’t be mad at you. You were my second half for 22 years. I would’ve done anything to have had my little brother for much much longer. But you couldn’t take it anymore. I’m just going to miss you so so much. I don’t doubt that you loved me, loved all of us. And I know that the happiness you had–even at the end–was real and true. I wish you would have opened up about your inner turmoil. That just wasn’t you though, was it?
I’m trapped in that bathroom with you though Dean. I can’t stop thinking about what was passing through your mind as you lit that grill, tapped the door, and put our pictures around you. Anytime I hear a household sound I wonder if you heard the same before you went to sleep. I hurt so badly Dean. To see dad fall to his knees. To know mom was so far away and to hear her on the phone. To see Kristy try to rush past the cops. Did you remember when we would try to splash the water out of the tub as kids when you layer down in it? Did you remember the times when we would ride on grandma’s knees as you wheeled the grill in past her chair? I can’t stop thinking about all of this. I’m trapped in there with you.
I know you didn’t want to hurt us. I know that you knew it would, but you still felt like this was what you needed to do. I’m trying to be happy that you’re at peace Dean. But I’m a terribly selfish brother. I want nothing more than for you to barge into my room and laugh again.
I love you Dean. I’ll always miss you.

My bestie, this day is 38 years too early !!!
You always said you would only be ready to leave this world behind if you reached the age of 77, 1977 was your birth year, but this day came 38 years too early !!!
You always told me one day when we are old, how the two of us is going to live together, I always imagined those days on my mind, never expecting that you would take that change away from us.
But this day was 38 years too early!
You are not supposed to be with me in spirit, but we’re supposed to feel your hugs and kisses;
You’re not supposed to be in my dreams and thoughts for the rest of my life, but we are supposed to plan together our next travel trip that we so much loved to do;
Your children are not supposed to live rheir lives without their mother, but you’re supposed to share with them every big event;
We’re not supposed to a Christmas or birthday with your seat empty, but you’re supposed to share those important days with us;
and our parents were not supposed to bury their child.
Nettie , you were not only Lynette my loving sister for 38 years but truly my best friend, ‘my person’
But this day came 38 years too early and I will have to go through life without hearing your voice, laughing with you, gossiping with you and loving you!
This was the first time you decided to travel on your own, an unknown journey to an unknown destination. My heart will be broken forever, we were travel buddies, and now I have to travel alone, only taking our memories with me.
My dear sister, may your death not go unnoticed, no one’s life that you touched should ever be the same again, and no one should ever forget lesson we all learn from your death.
For this day, 38 years too early !!!