Oh my dear sweet little brother,since you been gone social media is so popular,so many things have changed since you been gone,everyone told me it would get easier,I’d like to know when,since you been gone,every year on your birthday is so hard for me,all I can think about is how you & I will be same age from 10.15 to 11.15,if you think about it your the only male that’s played such a role in my life as long as you have,you were there the first time I received a bad grade in school,you were there the first time I had my heart broken,you were there when I found & married my true love,you were there when I had my one & only child,since you been gone I will be a grandma for the 1st time,I just wish I could’ve stopped you that day you decided to take your life,how did I not know you were in such a dark place,we were always so close,I know we came from a large family,reason you & I were so close is because we felt like we were twins,after all only 11 months apart,I love you & miss you so much,happy 55th birthday little brother I love you,good bye for now I know we’ll meet again. With all my love sister Linda

I lost my 42yr old sister to brain cancer 2yr ago i am 47 and not coping i have a beautiful wife and two sons one of whom is about to have a baby of his own with his girlfriend my mother is herself and i know she isnt coping so i need to be there for the rest of the family, since my sister passed away i have changed i am so down and withdrawn i laugh and joke but that is a mask so no one can see what really is going on i thought about ending my life as the pain i am going through is constant every day not one day goes by that i dont think of her i go to her grave and find it hard that she is lying there i keep asking myself why couldnt it have been me the nights are the hardest when the demons come i dont / cant talk to anyone about here as all i have are memories and if i talk to anyone then those memories wont belong to me anymore

Dealing with your death in May was tough enough. Being a glutton for punishment, I requested the files from the police on your death. I am not sure why they did not tell me about your texts to someone where you laid out your plan to overdose on fentanyl…..why the hell did they list your death an accidental overdose?? Now, 4 months later, I feel like I lost you all over again. You were my big brother, but I was always the responsible one…..how could I let you down like this.
I know I am not alone in losing a sibling, this site has taught me that, but I just found out this was suicide yesterday, the wounds have been torn back open. I feel silly, why am I this broken up over this little piece of news, I mean, dead is dead. Nothing changes the fact that your ashes are sitting on a shelf in my house. I feel so…lost.

It killed me 6 years before you died to let go of you. You weren’t answering your phone again, so we had our babies in the car and drove an hour to your house at night to bang on windows and doors again, because we were worried you took your life but really it was just the drugs again. You were ashamed or maybe just high, so you wouldn’t answer our calls, texts and we’d run over and do this. Then after a few weeks you’d call and I’d see you again for awhile (and not talk about It) and then the cycle would begin again. But that night I thought, if he’s on drugs and accidentally shoots me while I’m breaking in the window, then he’ll really kill himself. A little voice in my head said What about your babies, don’t they need you too? I ran back to the car in that horrible neighborhood and I knew I had to let you go. Meaning I had to stop calling you every day–I just had to take you when I could get you. I wasn’t saving you–this wasn’t helping you and I needed to save myself. I realized you would never get “back on track”. This was who you were. It was like a death, letting go of that–my dreams for you were so attainable–you get a job and we go on camping trips with both our families. But I had to accept you in your sickness and take you when I could get you. It seemed to kill you too, you could feel that I had stopped pulling for you. That I simply accepted and loved you wasn’t enough. But I had to choose my family. When I got upset and missed you, I told myself at least you were still alive and that had to be enough.
The night you died last year, I felt you were in danger. But I was dealing with my own issues, and I chose myself. I have to be OK with that. Because however I map it out, it always ends up the same–you die. If I showed up that night, you may have lived another day but the next day you would have died. And I would be more destroyed than I am now. I have a family and is it OK if one of us is happy? You and Bob are both gone now and have left me alone with our parents and your baby. I’ve lost all my history without my brothers. I wanted to talk to you about the night Bob died and how we cried violently into each others’ necks. I have your necklace I gave you when I left for college when you were 7. I told you when you got scared to touch it and remember who you were. It kills me that you had it near you when you died. You were scared. I can’t wear it. I don’t even want to believe you are dead even though I saw you. I am so angry and because of your sad baby I can’t even feel anything more than guilt. I don’t feel allowed to properly mourn you. I keep trying to figure out how to solve this problem that can’t be solved. It’s very final but in my head I’m just mad because you aren’t calling me back.
If I had driven over there, I would have been choosing that insanity. I couldn’t keep trying to help and not get sucked down again myself.
All I have is these stupid photos and texts and emails and they aren’t enough to explain who we were to each other. It’s horrible that in one of them I’m yelling at you because you were killing us. But at least I said something–we always walked on eggshells around you. Why didn’t we take any photos together in the last 10 years? This is sounding very angry and tomorrow I will feel bad about writing this but it’s how I feel at the moment. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I had to live. I love you so much why did you leave us? I know why. I just don’t accept it. But it doesn’t matter that I don’t. It just is.
The day after you died, we didn’t know yet. But we left work early to go find you. I left you a voicemail because I hoped hearing my voice would help you respond. Stopped at parents’ first. The baby was there. Dad wondered why you weren’t answering your phone. I felt a little hysterical suddenly and focused that on buying the baby a wagon. Suddenly it seemed very important. I dragged everyone to Toys R Us and when we came back we got the message. I keep staring at the photo of our kids laughing together right before that. I think I’m looking for what we lost.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I spent most of my life trying to keep you alive. I don’t want any of this to infect my own babies or yours. I don’t know how it can’t. I want to be happy again. I worked so hard to have boundaries and built my family so carefully. We deserve to have joy. Can’t one of us be happy? I guess I’ll have to keep asking the question until I hear you say Yes. I know it’s probably just me answering. But I have to keep asking.

At 21 years old, I should be out destroying my liver in the name of ignorance fueled youth. At 14 you should’ve been swooning over a boy I’d eventually have to threaten. Never in my life could I have fathomed that your daddy was going to call me with this news July 31st. My entire world crumbled. My kiddo is gone. Some days it feels like entirely too much to handle. We were bookend siblings. We were a team. I’m not mad at you. My heart hurts. It hurts to know you were hurting bad enough that you felt this was your only option. I love and miss you so much.

Dear Brother
It’s been a while, 7 years in fact, and life has never really been the same since that that day. God only knows how much you struggled, and I can only imagine how much pain you went through. I understand, it just still hurts so much.
I know you would want me to be happy and free, in ways you couldn’t be, but I have to be honest and say how much it still hurts. I know I’m not the same, but I’m trying really hard to be the genuinely happy person I was way back when. Please don’t feel bad about what happened, it’s not your pain to feel anymore, but I pray that one day I will take the pain and become all that I am sure you would love me to be.
I miss you brother. Even though there was a big age gap between us, I feel connected to you like no one else in our family. You and I are so similar, and sadly it’s only through your death that I now see how many things we share in common – spirituality, love of adventure, and music. I wish so much you were still here to explore these things with you now that I’ve grown up. To be your friend.
I love you. I always did, even when I was too caught up in my own trivialities that kept me from trying to help you more. Time cannot bring you back, but I know that I’ll see you again one day and till then, you’ll be with me through it all, every step of the way.
I’ll always be your little sister. You’ll always be my big brother. There will always be love.
xxx

My Dear sister, I miss your smile and laugh. Also, your kindness, generosity and humor. The day I found out you left is was the worst day of my life. I have such good memories of you and the generosity you have shown everyone who knew you and loved you. You must know many people loved you especially your family. We desperately miss you. Many nights I stare at the stars and think about you. We will always love you.
Your loving sister, June