Dear Shawn…
Last night i worked a 16 hour shift on the same hall that i received the call three weeks ago.. I stood in that same spot… Remembering the agony i felt when my cousin called me to tell me you had hung yourself..i just keep asking why??? Why didnt u leave a note? Dodnt you care how you would hurt me??? I may be taking this too personally but im so angry at you for not seeing the pain you would put me through with these actions.. Im angry at you for leaving two beautiful lttle boys fatherless even after knowing how it felt to never have a father. Im angry at you for not telling me u were sad. Im angry at myself for not calling u the second before you did it. Im angry that you planned itfor two days.. Yet never said goodbye. Im angry that i didnt know in my heqrt something was wrong.. Im angry that i wasnt there for you.. Im angry that u would threaten any man that if he broke my heart you would brake his face but npw you have broken me more than anyone ever could. Im angry because you changed me the minute i found out. Im angry because i imagine your body hanging from that tree everyday. I just want u to come back… I want to beg you to come back to me but i knowyou cant.. Im so desperate i have begged god to brimg you back even though your body has already been cremated. Im angry cause ur girlfriend that u were only with three months is playing the greiving widow. Im angry at your mother for not shedding a tear at your funeral. I want to hate you!!!! Why would you do this to your baby sister? Why would you do this to your baby boys? I just want you back bubby!!!
-all my love

My name is Kim and my brother killed himself this past Wednesday night November 23, 2016. I happened to be at my moms when I got the call and heard that my brother was in an accident. I knew he had done something. I could tell in my sister in laws moms voice when she told me. He shot himself and he is dead. He was fighting with his wife and in a moment of rage and impulse killed himself in the house were my four year old niece was and his wife. I am sick and I and my mother have been trying to find somewhere someone we can talk to. So far not luck right but it’s only Monday. It’s only Monday but it feels like it’s the night I found out. I had to tell my ten year old he died her uncle whom she loved so much. I had to go see his body at the funeral home and just cry and ask why? I have this constant pain and can’t stop thinking about it!

I remember my innocence, I remember being blissfully naive about life past, present and future.
I remember just starting high school, thinking it was cool to have to older,popular brothers who would walk up to me and say hi, I thought that would make me ‘popular adjacent’. I would pass you by in school but try to ignore to keep this ‘cool’ image but felt complete happiness when you would acknowledge me in front of your friends. But then as soon as we returned home you would drive me insane! We would communicate only through sarcasm and wit, sometimes yell and try to beat each other up (usually when it came to the TV remote) but at the end of the day we knew that we were siblings who loved each other, never said it but we didn’t need to. I remember being jealous of your popularity and academics, how you were friends with practically everyone, I strived to be like that. But because of that I became blind to what actually was going on, you would be upset and get into fights with mother because you had a job and your friends were taking advantage of that and your generosity, I didn’t bat an eye when in the car driving to school you were discussing doctor/ councillor appointments I assumed it had something to do with his heart (he had a heart condition and I thought it must have been a mandatory visits after his operation), I was even too oblivious to dwell on the fact that when my brother was 17 years old he moved out from home and ended up staying in a family friends home from church. I was so young, innocent, stupid to pick up on the fact that my brother was struggling, that he was going through a hard time. And when he moved home, we fell into our love/hate relationship so when he came home on Friday night, I tried to annoy him like I would normally do. In the morning I woke up bright and early excited for my netball game, my friend was taking me, and while we were having a joyous time singing, trying to pass the 30 minute ride in the car, while I was being called on the phone, I hadn’t even realised I had 4 missed calls from my father until I got to the netball courts. So I called him, I didn’t realise it then but his voice was full of sadness, I mistook it for weirdness, because he asked “where are you?” And “come straight home after you finished your game”, I thought he was being silly but I did just that anyway. When my friend dropped me off home, I noticed my uncle was there pacing around outside, my brothers friends on the porch hugging each other, other family members walking inside my family home, my friend asked if there was something going on I said I wasn’t sure and that I would text her later. And as she drove away, I ran up the outside steps into my home, really confused, where I found my grandparents and my parents huddled together…
To be completely honest I am a little hazy on what happened through the next 5 minutes, I can’t remember who told me and how I reacted. I lost that part of me who’s family was fine, who’s innocence was perfectly intact, an oblivious 13 year old who’s biggest dilemma was trying to hide any evidence of having a period, or was biggest dilemma.
From that day on I lost a huge part of me that I don’t think I can ever get back, which frightens the shit out of me because I am a complete mess. I hide every aspect of my life from others having no true friends, I have lost the ability to care about most things/people whom I used to care deeply for, I lost/ am losing any ambition that remains in me, I get angry and sad so often and all I want to do is crawl up in a ball in the corner, I used to dream or at least set goals for myself and try to achieve them now I can’t even bothered thinking about goals or my future. I ponder so often on why am I here, still alive, wasting my life away, when you are not? Why am I still alive and you are not? I was a bitch and have become an even bigger one when you… you were that person who went to go sit next to people that we’re alone to make sure they didn’t feel alone.
I’m sorry that I was not enough like you, I wish I was/ am.
I love you brother, you are everything.

I miss you Eric. Not a day goes by without me thinking about you, hardly even an hour. It’s been 10 months now, it’s almost Christmas. I can’t believe you’re not going to be here for Christmas. I miss your laugh, I miss your smile, your teeth, your smell, your hugs, your presence. People say it gets easier but I don’t agree, the first six months were an uncomfortable numbness, I really just didn’t believe it. I kept waking up thinking it was all a bad dream, then something would remind me that you’re really gone. I kept thinking it was a cruel prank you were playing on us, all your younger brothers and sisters – you’re particular sense of humour.
But then after those six months it really started to set in. It felt like I woke up one day and just understood the void that you leaving will have on the rest of my life. I won’t ever be able to introduce you to my future partners to see what you think of them, you won’t be at my birthdays, you won’t be at my wedding, you won’t be at the birth of my children, we won’t be able to grow old together or even have another night of getting drunk and talking shit until the early hours, introducing each other to a band we’re into lately or a song that will make us feel better on the harder days.
I didn’t even understand what it truly felt like to miss a person untill you went.
I was the last person in the family to talk to you. We spent the whole night eating chocolate covered nuts leftover from Christmas, drinking red wine, laughing and talking about the future. We spoke about our plans for 2016 and the amazing times we were going to have together. You left and we shared our last goodbye. Did you know that it was the last time we would see each other? I had no clue. I wish you would have told me something was up, at least a hint. Maybe even just hugging me for that moment longer so I knew to really appreciate it. I replay that hug and kiss, shouting ‘love you ez’ and you shouting it back as you hopped into a taxi. Why didn’t you say something was up? I have so much guilt that I didn’t stop talking about myself and I didn’t ask how you really were. I had no clue you felt that sad, that desperate for an escape. 2 days later you took your own life. Surely I should have sensed it, I should have felt your sadness when we last saw each other, or I should have felt an intuition that you left the earth, but I didn’t expect it in the slightest. Being told was like someone ripping out a part of my soul out, indescribable. I heard grief is the price we pay for the love we were able to have in this life. I miss you ez, I will love you eternally.

It has been 6 months and a few days now. I cant tell if it feels like its been longer or shorter than that. Probably longer. Its harder to remember your voice and what we you talked about at the dinner table. Its harder to picture your face and what it felt like when I made you laugh (it was the best feeling getting you to crack a smile at my always dumb jokes). There are so many things I wish I could ask you and talk to you about. I wish I asked you if you really believed in God so I didnt have to wonder and resent the pastor at your funeral every time he said you were a believer. I wish I asked you about your dreams and aspirations. I wish I welcomed you home when you got home from school everyday rather than jut ignoring you. I wish we could have been closer. Im so sorry I wasnt there for you. I had no idea. I wish I didnt let the little things bother me so much. I miss you and miss what our family once was. Anyway I hope I didnt annoy you too much. I was kind of a selfish little sister. Im so sorry we werent closer. Im sorry we didnt do what we should have as your family. I love you. And even if you never heard it, it was always true.

I lost my brother, my best friend to suicide last Tuesday. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought I’d be here, experiencing something like this, be part of a discussion online. Right now I want to take care of myself and my feeling is that I’ll get more strength from strangers that have gone through this, than from my closest friends who have not.

-BROKEN DREAMS
I need you right now bro I’ve got these thoughts in my head once again, the memories never end, and I question where did this all start? how did we go from innocence to addiction? a whole life of Affliction, now you’re dead and I’m falling apart. Growing up you were my idol, yeah I wanted to be just like you. I began acting out way too early, showing off and acting a fool. I didn’t know back then the toll it would take, I didn’t know the struggles that lied up ahead. I didn’t think I’d be here writing this, or that I’d lose my brother my only true friend.we were both young when dad had adopted us, but his love it was more than enough. We were doing great from what I remember, so when the divorce came we both took it rough. Looking back on that now its when you began acting out, you Made sure to stand out from the crowd. I stayed right by your side until the day that you died, we were Freaks and we scream that shit proud. I remember skateboarding all day and sneaking out every night, at times it got pretty extreme. Like when you got shot in your leg and we lied to Mom, all of this before the age of 14. Just to get our cigarettes it became habit to break into cars quite a bit. Or skating through the crowded mall with security chasing us, it was like some real life movie shit. Yeah those were the days man I’d give anything to go back and relive them again. The only things that mattered were joking around and getting laid, just to share the story with all of our friends. Then at 15 years old you told me you tried meth but it was a one-time-only thing. I Knew by the look in your eyes you would again no doubt, you were a full-blown addict by that following spring. I rarely saw you after that I felt like I had been left all alone. I would lie awake in bed every night, just hoping that you would come home. Your addiction continued and so did the tears that we cried. Driving for hours some nights with Mom searching for you, and getting nowhere no matter how much we tried. I was so young the first time I saved your life, I had my hand down your throat forcing you to puke it all up. At least 9 bottles of pills it seemed, you fell unconscious just before the paramedics drove up. When I came to see you later that day you were strapped to the bed you just lay there and cried. you said “look what you did to me Ryan” I can’t explain how much guilt I was feeling inside. Around that time I was sent to an alternative school, I wasn’t doing as well as I could. suspended so much it was no surprise when they kicked me out, we knew at some point that they would. After that a miracle happened and you set your demons free. But unfortunately those same demons soon came right after me. I got bad into pills then graduated to heroin, it happened so quick. I lost myself and my morals in Desperation, everyday fighting not to be sick. It took three trips to rehab and years at a clinic to overcome that high I was always chasing. Not to mention the fear and heartbreak you felt when they told me it was a minimum of 25 years that I was facing. If I didn’t have you I’d be gone right now but you stayed by my side through it all. You gave me advice that kept me out of prison, you even sat with me for comfort the nights I’d withdrawal. we took care of each other no matter what, I think that’s what hurts me the most. I saved your life many times when you started drinking, but that day that you died I was nowhere close. You almost begged me that morning because you were bored, pleading for me to stop and say hi. I blew you off for no good reason, I didn’t know that call would be our final goodbye. September 15th 2013 we both died when that shot rang out in the air. At the end of our driveway you took your life while Mom stood screaming, she watched a true Mother’s Nightmare. Two little boys left without their daddy, me left with a broken heart. Your son running to your casket screaming at your service, that will forever haunt me and tear me apart. We took them in and adopted them, the reason I can make it to another day. While I’m lost in this Darkness suffering, they are the light in which guides my way. I lost my girl, my job, my home, and my brother all in that month I felt so alone and afraid. It made me reflect on who I’ve become and the people I’ve hurt, but mostly regret for decisions I’ve made.

Subject: “Do you have any brothers or sisters”?

My older sister, my only sibling killed herself 2 years and change ago. I’m an adult, just turned 40 and I’m single and childless. Since my sister’s death I have come to accept that my best days are behind me and all I have left is watching my parents age. Our tiny family is dying. I find myself fantasizing leaving the world in the same way, but not until my parents go. I am alone and I struggle with reaching out. I used to love to meet new people. Now I’m very distant and closed off to letting anyone ask me questions about my life. My default is to steer the conversation away from me and just ask them more about themselves. I don’t know how to have a light conversation when people ask me about children, relationships, siblings…the normal “get to know you ” questions. “No, I don’t have children.” “Why not?” “Because I have failed to find someone to share that experience with”. “Do you have any brothers or sisters?” “No, I mean, yes…well I used to…she killed herself a couple years ago.” Great lighthearted first conversation huh? I do my best to avoid fun chats like this. How do I answer these questions? I can’t figure it out in my brain and I can’t find any advice… If any of you found yourselves suddenly an only child and you don’t know how to explain this, you’re not alone.