Monday I got the call they had found you by a lake. I was and am lost.  One week before we had talked about things we looked forward to,  and the childhood hardships but how we always had each other. You called me your protector as a child. I wish you had let me do that now. I love you so much and am so proud of the kind, caring and religious man you became. We both found our healing in charity and have always been the best of friends. You and I talked about an upcoming visits and your plans to get married. You will always be my dear baby brother the child I helped raise like a son and the man I am so proud of.
My dear baby brother how could you leave now? After all we have been through in our lifetime. I would have done anything to help and comfort you. I am lucky I got to tell you how much I loved you BUT I want you back. I am not ready to let you go. I can’t express the pain I feel losing you and don’t understand why.

We laid my brother down to rest today. I am 56 and my sister is 49 with my brother being the middle child at 53.I keep going over and over the last couple of weeks looking for something that I missed. He had called me Monday week about the A.C unit he as getting for me and was going to help us install. I knew that he was having a run of “bad luck” but I never once thought he was so tired of fighting. He could aggravate the mess out of me but I would love to have him aggravate me for one more day. I love you Jeff,until we meet again.

Subject: To Steve, my brother and friend

It has been 2 months today since I lost my brother. He took his life without anyone knowing he was in such a dark place. I have read on here that in time life returns to some kind of norm, and also read it will suck forever. I pray that it does get better as I have 3 kids and a wife that count on me to live a life that won’t see me constantly depressed about this. I wrote a poem that helped me to cope for now and I worry I may never feel good again. Like so many others here is the unanswered questions I face and just the permanence of it that hurts so much. I pray now for everyone who has had to deal with these sad emotions. I also pray we all see or loved ones again some day.
To mention your pooch Steve I know you loved him so much
Now I will say this as they won’t post my words.
But maybe it’s better for it to be heard.
This is to my beloved younger brother Steve.
Your number’s been called so now you must leave.
Our time on this earth, it’s gone by way too fast.
The emptiness we all feel
is something so vast.
So many words to tell you now all left unsaid.
I should’ve spent more time with you Bro,
now regrets fill my head.
A better friend to you I’d wished I’d been.
You’ve now opened my eyes to my selfishness within.
You’d speak only good things about the people you knew.
And save all the bad words for yourself, how that’s true.
You and I’d never fight, I couldn’t think of one time.
In fact, to me, you were never unkind.
So I heard you’re the favored uncle, but that don’t make me mad.
I hope that you knew that if not now you have.
It’s not just us folk who are feeling for you.
But your poor Lucky dog is feeling blue too.
It is you I say Steve, that was truly great.
You would say “No bro”
But I’d say “damn straight”
Your time at Ball Corp did really stand out.
You had mad Cad skills my brother of that there’s no doubt.
Mechanical design challenges you would always embrace.
The fine work you’ve done still flies out in space.
How proud you were of your accomplishments there too.
NPP, OMPS, and Deep Impact to name but a few.
I just found out from dad, you were an inventor as well.
Humble you were, for you didn’t tell.
Or maybe you would’ve but I just wasn’t there.
Please know now Steve I really did care.
Then illness set in and took you right down.
Bad times were ahead, it made us all frown.
How tragic it is and will always be.
For your full potential that we’d never see.
Heart breaking it was to see you in pain.
You took it in stride and rarely complained.
So sad that it was, to see your hurt grow.
You suffered so much but how much we don’t know.
You were truly blest, to have Carol and Jack.
They were there for you Bro and that Loves not an act.
You fought your way up from your struggles endured.
Your parents played a big part of that is for sure.
Remarkable it was to pull yourself back.
From the hand you were dealt from a very bad stack.
It shows a great strength
As we saw you rebound.
It warmed all our hearts to see you up and around.
It makes it that much harder to see it all end.
You were my brother, Bro! but also my friend.
And I let you down and I know that I did.
It’s for me now Steve that I hope you forgive.
Our hearts are all broken and in need of repair.
But it will take some time as we feel much despair.
My kids haven’t seen me in tears so they say,
Now for awhile they’ll see it each day.
Our family so loved you but no time for good byes.
You now know that’s true, to see how we’ve cried.
I’ll tell you now I’m forever changed.
For life here without you just won’t be the same.
I’m rambling here cause I’m up very late.
For since you have left us our sleeps not been great.
I believe now that you’re in Heaven above.
And I’m sure in due time our pain is just love.
I said some bad words so I had to edit it.
But now that I voice this,
This is fucked up sad shit!
I’m sorry! So sorry but those words really fit.
Now they’ve been said and
I know that you’d smile.
If that’s the case then it makes it worthwhile.
I’ll say this too, Steve does not want us sad.
Celebrate his good times instead, of that he’d be glad.
It took me too long to write you a rhyme.
It may be because I’d thought I’d more time.
But then you were gone.
It’s so hard to believe.
Now you’ve left earth,
and it’s Heaven that’s received.
Such a great person, and so very nice.
And to anyone who hears this then here’s my advice.
Take time to tell loved ones how much that they mean.
As you never know when fate intervenes.
I didn’t for Steve.
Cause I dragged my feet.
So now I so grieve and feel incomplete.
If I’d only told him what he’d meant to me.
Then may be he’d a realized how special he be.
For you were gentle , and so very kind.
I wish I was more like you,
That’s been on my mind.
I think that I’ll change and be kinder to others.
And be a better person because of you brother.
I’ll end this here soon and leave you in peace.
Now you know how I feel so I feel some relief.
God wants you now so we’ll stand aside.
He really knows best so we’ll just have to abide.
I pray for you Stephen that you Rest In Peace.
I feel assured now that Gods Angels numbers increased.
You have gone first but we’ll all go there too.
We’ll all be together when our lives’ are through.
But that’s not really the end when we all depart.
But only the beginning
It’s paradise that will start.
And with that I’ll just say…
“Stephen, We’ll all see you again one day”
Love to you always
My Brother, my friend!
Peace,
Out Brau

Subject: Remembering Lee and Luke

Tomorrow 12/12 marks my brother Lee’s suicide, although it was ruled accidental. Prior I lost my other brother Luke in a car accident ruled as a suicide. While it has been 16 years without Luke and 6 without Lee that isn’t the hardest. The hardest is being the sole survivor of the trio of us. I was the one who was always suicidal and in and out of the hospital. In fact when I first learned of Luke’s death in 2000 I said something like it is supposed to be me and something about him even dying on the cliff I intended to jump from. I am only recently starting to grieve. I have been in denial for all this time. It has been very difficult lately. It is just me and my 3 teens. When they move on I will be alone (I do not get along with my parents anymore). I am feeling this more and more everyday.It’s crushing me!

My day turned upside down on the 12th of November. My sister was found hung in a park nearby – we knew she had some problems but clearly there were a lot more to it than this – which was brought to our attention after her death. Me and my sister were very close – I’m not angry for what she did – I just wish I went with my gut feeling more and went to see her when she invited me down to visit. Her service was on Friday and I just find myself wanting to be in my own space. I’m angry I’m the only child and never want to be treated like one – I’m angry because the demon chose my sister and made her feel it was the last resort. Is it unusual to want your own space?

It’s been almost 10 years since she hung herself. The pain is still there; I doubt it ever goes away.

My little brother Dalton James decided to end his pain on Sept. 16, 2016. He was 28. Our older brother was the first one contacted and he immediately called me first. I was celebrating my birthday with friends and he knew he couldn’t tell me while I was not in a sober state. When I called him the next morning, he broke the news to me that Dalton had ended his life. To this day I am still in denial. Knowing my older brother had to bear this information by himself all night is heart breaking. I had to tell my older sister, and that was the hardest phone call of my life.
Dalton was so unbelievably smart and so nice and caring. He loved learning and was a genius with computers. He never went to college for that, but rather taught himself. I wish more than anything that I could see and talk to him again. I have all our text messages still and I read them often.
The worst part is not knowing if he was happy, sad, scared, mad or relieved right before he pulled the trigger. Knowing that he left this life alone and in this manner makes my heart so utterly broken. No words can describe the pain.

I have his baby ‘Artemis’ (a besenji) with me now. I know Dalton would be so happy knowing he’s in a good home. He hates loud noises that resemble a gun shot; I just hope he didn’t see Dalton after his death.

We love you Salty Dalty!! You will forever be missed. I know it would be selfish to expect him to live just so we won’t be sad. I wish I could’ve taken all of his mental anguish away. I wish I could have one more hug. The last hug I got, I didn’t let go for a long time. I love you, with all my heart <3

Brother, my only sibling, I am now alone with no other siblings to share the rest of my life with. It’s been 2 yrs now,it’s like time stands still,though its moving forward. I keep replaying in my mind what happened that fateful day and WHY. So many unanswered questions still linger and will remain that way,unanswered. I read recently that your anguish is over,but it was passed to us and so how TRUE. There’s so much more to say here,but for now,I LOVE and MISS YOU and my heart is sad.

Love your sister

On October 23, 2016, just 17 days after his 35th birthday, my brother took his life. When I first received the news that he was gone, I was in the middle of a store and collapsed. I sobbed uncontrollably and was inconsolable. I spoke to him less than 24 hours before his death and one of the last things he said to me was that once our parents were gone all we would have would be each other. So to think that the next day he would leave me here in this world like that was a swift kick in the gut.
My brother and I have had our challenges. We didn’t speak often because he had a temper and could be very hot and cold sometimes. However, there has never been a day that I doubted his love for me and I know he knows I loved him so very much. But to protect my mental and emotional health, I had to build boundaries around how I communicated with him and my mother. Now I feel so guilty that I didn’t try harder to talk to him more often. I feel guilty that I didn’t try harder to get him to address his problems. I feel guilty that I didn’t tell him I loved him more often. I always assumed we would have time to fix our relationship. I thought there was time for things to improve in his life. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE MORE TIME.
Not only am I sad…not only do I feel guilty…but I am mad. I am mad that he has left me like this. I am mad that he has left his son without a father. I am mad that he has hurt our mom in such a terrible way. I am mad that he didn’t take the time to reach out to me and ask for help. I am mad that I didn’t sense that this was coming. I am mad that I didn’t sense when he left this world. I am mad that the world has the nerve to keep going on day after day like nothing has happened. I honestly don’t know what I am supposed to do. I don’t know what I am supposed to feel. I don’t know how I am supposed to continue to move forward. All I know is that I was told that I have to live. So that is what I do day in and day out. I get up and move through my day wondering if my brother can see me. Wondering if he is at peace. Wondering if he would change his mind if given another chance. I can’t make any promises that I will ever be okay. I can only promise that I will try to not meet the same fate.