Veronika

Veronika, I’m reading the posts here and remembering the great things you brought to my life. I remember how we used to laugh at the funny name of the mob guy that allegedly lived in your apartment before.And now I can’t remember his name so I want to call you badly. Ask for that name and have a great f———laugh. Then I’d ask you how your day was and banter about mine.

This is the first time in my life that I realize some things might be lost forever, like the name of the mob guy and the laugh we would share. And that makes me cherish the little things now. But also it’s hard to keep my head up.

I keep coming back to our picture from when we were kids. You are laughing there so much I think you’re peeing yourself a little. I’m next to you with my hand in front of my face, maybe I farted or something, I don’t know maybe that’s what made you laugh so much. I just wish so much I could share that laugh with you again.

I have no words. I don’t know. I just really don’t know. I still remember that hug I gave you on my balcony, in the sun. You were scared to come downstairs and open up to our parents, especially dad. I don’t know how it was in your shoes, but I feel like you shielded me from so much by being older.

Veronika, in a way we truly were f——— soulmates. I will never forget you.

1 month

Hey Jordan, it’s been a month. It still feels like just yesterday you were here. I miss you everyday and am still heartbroken that you aren’t here. Theo is growing every day and doing so much more than even a month ago now. He’s about the only thing that keeps me getting up each day.

It seems so impossible that you’re gone. I’m hoping writing will help me accept the situation.

I’m so sorry, I just didn’t know you were in so much pain. The world feels so empty without you here and I want nothing more than to join you. I contemplate it everyday but I have Theo and Kailee and I know they need me. We need you too and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that enough.

It’s so terrible here now. All I have are memories and regrets. I’m angry all the time. It’s not fair to the people around me but I just don’t care. There’s no one in my life who understands this pain and it makes it all the more unbearable.

I know I tell you this all the time but I truly hope you are at peace now. I love you so much

I lost both my brothers to suicide

where to begin?? Well I guess I should start in 2020 when my younger brother John-michael took his life in his room @ the age of 21 and I was the one who found him.
2 years later in 2022 my youngest brother Jim ended up going the same route he died @ the age of 20.
Now what makes this story even more interesting is that my brother Jim recorded music so when he left this world he left his music here which is currently still being released ( posthumously)

Its just crazy that I can still hear his voice and feel what he felt threw his music.
Fast forward to current date which is 05/28/23 I am now living in a sober living which I have relapsed and I’m been on a binge for almost 2 months now. I can feel the depression coming back and thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore but then again there’s no way I could ever hurt my family like that they would just be devastated now that I’m the only brother left. I just need some one to talk to about this I mean I don’t want say I’m using my past trauma as an excuse to use but damn man I just have a lot pain I had to go threw like damn! why does this have to happen? its been 7 months since my brothers passing and I feel like I’m just now grieving.