Dear Shane, I miss you immeasurably. Its been 13 of the longest yet shortest months of my life. You were my big brother, my first best friend. I don’t understand how I can simply adjust to a life without you, when its not one  I’ve ever known.
There was so much left for you to experience, you where much too young. And yet, I understand the pain you were in. I get so, so angry at your choice, that you left me and mum to bare your consequences. But, I know you’re home, safe and happy now. No tears in Heaven.
Give Daddy a hug for me.
I miss you indefinitely.

After nearly 8 months of intransigent depression and 35 years of service in a (retired) healing profession, my brilliant shining star of a “baby sister” has ended her sense of worthlessness by ending her life. We will always fiercely love the free bird who had the courage to live fearlessly. I pray that her two children honor the memory of their mother by living as fearlessly as she did and by teaching their own children to do the same. May the Lord keep her in His Heart of Hearts — most secure, most beautiful, and most free. Amen.

My baby sister Alexandra hung herself on the back step of my childhood home 2 years and 4 months ago. She was 29. She is greatly missed. She was pregnant at the time. She went through so much physical and mental pain in her life, she was in a abusive, violent relationship at the time of her death.

I feel like the first year afterwards i was in a daze and i am only starting to come to terms with what happened. I understand and i accept why you did what you did; that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. You did not want to be in, or bring someone else into, such an intensely miserable existence filled with hard drugs and a emotionally and physically abusive partner who refused to leave.

I have a swirling sea of emotions:
Grief: i miss my sister.
Guilt: i was very hard on her in the last few years of her life, pushing her to get a job and move out of the parents house and become more self-sufficient. i know my actions were (for the most part) taken for the greater good and with her best interests at heart; that does not mean that the words in your suicide note do not hurt. I could have done so much more; visited you, not judged you, not have my eyes glaze over when you spoke to me.
Anger: her partner of the time encouraged her to commit suicide like it was some type of notch on his belt, pawned her possessions as the family grieved the morning after her death.

What i find hardest to deal with is the methodical way you went about taking your life, you had a day by day countdown in your phone, you would casually remark that you would never have a 30th birthday. You have to be in an obscenely dark place to behave in this manner.  Occasionally i have my own thoughts of self-harm when life gets stressful; this is not something that i would ever do as i have seen the carnage that this type of act inflicts on a family.

I have dulled my emotions by abusing marijuana on weekends and on holidays, however there is only so much of this i can do. i think i am ready to stop doing this and attempt to ‘involve’ myself more in life and stop sabotaging my own relationships. sorry if this is a jumble of words. I hope this helps someone.

Martin V.

I don’t know why i’m typing this other than to vent and hopefully process these feelings. Sorry if my spelling is horrible. I remember the day i found out you left us. Leading up to that point mom just moved to portland to be closer to you. i had a sense that you were struggling but not sure about what. fast forward to helping unload the trailer and having to drop you off. i remember you showing me this hispanic restaurant. it was one of your friends 21st birthday party that day and i figure i’d buy y’all your first round. That was the last time i saw you. the last thing i said to you was be safe like i always do, not knowing that was going to be the last time i spoke to you. I found out that you were missing and didn’t know what to do and then i got the news after work. i was still homeless at the time. i had just entered the shelter and opened fb and saw that you have left us. I didn’t know what to do. i yelled i screamed and i cried. Later on was your funeral. i sat in the back because i felt i had to be the strong one for mom and others like i have been in the past. i left shortly after the ceremony and broke down. Even tho we were not related by blood, i feel we still had that brotherly connection. Everyday i think about you and wish that we could have had better times. you were such a talented person that would have gone far. when you spoke people listened, even as the older brother i still looked up to you. in ways you were stronger than me as much as i’d hate to admit it. One thing that helps me when i think about you is the song that one day i will get tatted on my skin. Here’s to 2017 and hopefully a better year…