I lost my only sibling my sister on Monday July 31st. She was 25 years old with 2 wonderful boys age 7 and 16 months. Her husband was wanting a divorce and she just couldn’t be without him. My parents and I are devastated. She was 6 years younger than me we were never super close but we were getting closer. She was in nursing school set to finish in December. I am also a nurse and was so excited for her to complete her goals. She shot herself in the head while in her car. Purchasing the gun and learning to shoot it all in the same day. I am just completely shocked and still in total disbelief. My mom had spoken to her over the phone a couple hours before and said she was fine. I just feel so helpless about everything. Wishing there was something I could have done or said. So many questions. I feel so much heartache for her young children. She was a fantastic, loving mother I just don’t understand how she could have left her children. I never thought this would be something that she would do. I think about her constantly and don’t know how to help myself through the pain little less my parents. I love you Amber and I wish things could have been so much different.
My Little Brother
You were only 19. You had your entire life ahead of you. I know things were hard for you. Seeing so many doctors, none of which could help you obviously wasn’t easy. I can’t imagine what you must have been going through, but I wish you told us more. You seemed to be getting better – but was that just because you had already decided? I wish I could’ve helped you more. I wish I could have taken away your anxiety, your depression, your self doubt. You were the smartest kid I know, with so much potential. I wish you saw that in yourself.
I think you were special. I think you were truly good, too good for this world. You never seemed to like or understand this life. You always told me – you go to school, you work, and you die. I wish you saw more to life than just that because there is love, family, passion, beauty and so many things worth living for. So many people love you and will never, ever forget you. I think about you every single day. The smallest things remind me of you. But I try to be happy and believe that you are now too. That you are watching over us and you are always with me, no matter what.
I love you little bro.
Can’t find a way to forgive
My brother hanged himself february 14, 2017. His wife had taken their child and left him earlier that day.
My brother had everything in the world going for him. He had a business, a home, and great friends but what he wanted more than anything was a wife and children. In his mid 40’s, it seemed more and more impossible. Then he found her and within three years, they had a baby, got married — all his dreams were coming true.
She didn’t like his work hours or the people, she didn’t feel safe in his home with staff coming and going. I know he tried to present himself as the big businessman, but the reality was that he was self-employed, with his office in his home and he had to be on call 24-7 to keep it all afloat. She wanted his weekends and evenings free, she wanted a house away from the the office. She wanted to stay home and raise their child.
He bought a big house, he juggled and struggled to make it work, but it was tòo much. The business crashed. Everything he had worked for fell apart around him. He was overwhelmed and depressed.
It seemed that nothing anyone could say or do would help. He was hospitalized and medicated. Friends jumped in with help to pick up the pieces and it seemed at times there was progress.
The wife and family were all that mattered. She took a ‘tough love’ approach. She told him if he didnt find a job and start supporting her, she would take the baby and leave. If he lost that house, she would leave. She would call me with ‘status reports’ and tell me about how he was refusing to support her. She would say that if he loved her and the baby, he would get it together and take care of them.
I argued with her in July 2016 about kicking him when he’s down and start helping him climb out. She didnt speak to me for months. I called and called him and sometimes he would talk to me. When they got the foreclosure notice, she came to my house to tell me she was leaving him because he refused to support her.
The reality of the business failure was bankruptcy, maybe lawsuits, and for sure, that house was gone.
I thought by writing this, I would find some way to frame it to bring relief and closure.
I know I have to find some way to forgive so I can move forward. I think he loved them too much to stay. I think of all the bad choices, the worst was choosing to be with her. I will try to forgive him for that.
To My Brother Tyler
The weight of my regrets is crushing and suffocating me. I am selfish because I know it does not even compare to what you were feeling. I miss you so much.
I am afraid to sleep, because I dream of you. In my dreams, I reach you in time, you are safe and you are coming home. Or you are living the life you should’ve had. I talk to you about silly things, and you give me one of those great big bear hugs. Then I wake up and I feel the excruciating loss all over again.
I wish you knew you could have come home. I should have called you and told you that. I got so caught up in my own crap that I took it for granted you would always be here.
It’s been 504 days. It’s changed me. I spend every waking moment trying to keep my mind off you and that day. I picture what you might have looked like when you were found. Were you crying when you did it or were you just ready. I can’t get Mom’s scream out of my head or her crumpled on the floor. I can’t focus when talking to others. My mind wanders 30 seconds into any conversation I have. My ability to retain anything said or read is now gone.
People seem to forget what I am going through and what I have lost. A part of me died with you that day. Some days it’s a struggle to get out of bed and function. But I am made to feel like I am lazy and a bad mom. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to accept it. I am not ready to face it. I want my little brother back.
I hope you are at peace. Our sister thinks you are. I wish I believed in something, so I could think that, too.
I love you, always.
Still Struggling
Today is my brother’s birthday. His second since he killed himself. He would have been 32. I am 33. These days I cry less, but I still think of him what feels like non-stop. His passing has numbed my ability to be empathetic or joyous. I feel like I am dealing with this all on my own sometimes. I know that isn’t true, but I also know that the world keeps turning and that people have to move on….even if I haven’t found out how to yet.
This Too Shall Pass
It will hit you like the highest level of hurricane. Only time, God and talking about it will mend your heart. I went through it twice and I am still standing. I am sorry you have to go through all the pain and the mess. I am thinking about you, praying for you, I am holding your hand.
love Sofia
My Beautiful Sisters. (SiblingSurvivors Letters)
I wish you could have waited a little longer, be more patient but again I didn’t really feel the actual pain. I have been angry with you for too long now. Today I choose to forgive you. I hope life is much better where you at. I hope you are not experiencing any form of suffering, you had your fair share. Beura and I are doing just fine, it took time but we leaned on God and we still are. I love you guys.
To My Little Sissy (SiblingSurvivors Letters)
Dear Little Sissy,
All our life we never got along. I was all ways the mother we lacked. When you had anxiety I’m 22nd free and plucked your eyebrows I told our teachers. When I knew you were doing drugs in high school I texted you (on mom’s phone) and called you to come home at night, pretending it was an emergency. When we were adults I would tell you to leave your boyfriend to have a better life because he never change. When he killed himself, I tried to push you to move on and let go of his things. But I should have never played the role of mom. Though ours sucked , my role was a sister. A support system. A friend. Someone to confied in, someone to trust. You had a hard life, harder than I will ever know. I regret so much. I wish I would have told you I wanted you alive. I wish that on my birthday I wouldn’t have asked why you were so happy, because every time you were happy something messed up happens. I was worried because in the past your bipolar disorder would take over and you would do something like crash your car into someone’s car or their house. I wish I would have been more sensitive to your situation . I wish I would have been more of an advocate for you to our parents, instead of trying to do the job for them. I wish I would have stood up for you when our mom was talking advantage of you. I wish so many things after your death , but most of all that you’re happy in your afterlife. I loved you like a sister and a daughter. I wish you nothing but peace.
Love ,
Big Sissy
Sibling Inspiration Submission Sent – I survived!
I have survived! I have considered myself a member of the Survivors of Suicide for a long time. A group I made up in my head. It’s everyone who lost a family member or loved one to suicide. You don’t have to join, and no one wants to be a member. I think it’s time to share my story.
When I was 15, my brother 17 took his own life. 6 months later, my mother died of lung cancer. 3 years later, my father passed also of lung cancer. If the phone rang my first thought was who died.
I will never know why my big brother, my protector and role model took his own life. We were inseparable, and grew up together up. There are so many questions I will never know. He didn’t leave a note and I don’t know if there were any signs as he was living with our dad at the time.
After my mother passed, I remember my sister once saying that my mother gave up to cancer after my brother took his life. I don’t remember if she said it, or said that someone said that, but that was not something I believed. Somethings are best that I believe what I want to believe.
One thing has helped me get by. There are others out there that life has handed them worse and they survived, so can I.
It’s been 30 years now. I have a beautiful wife, who takes good care of me. Two beautiful daughters, they are a handful. I have a job that I enjoy and pays the bills. I can honestly say, I have a peaceful life.
Still missing you brother (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)
I ran across this site today after reading the reference link in an NPR article on Sibling Survivors. It feels true that siblings are assumed to be able to navigate the complicated grief as a survivor. 3.5 years after losing my brother I continue to find my emotions cycling, continue to question the meaning of “normal”, and I continue to avoid anyone who I sense may be judging me or my family. I became a grandmother since my brother passed, so I am very much an adult with lots of life experience. Depsite that fact and the many therapies I’ve sought for this grief, I find my heart right back in that horrible time when reading the posts here – when my brother took his life without a word to anyone. I know I’ll weather this – even as I have been seeking healing – learning, growing, and changing are in process. My sincere hope for all of us and all of you is that we will give time TIME . Determine to learn, grow and change through the pain & process. I believe our loved ones understand our pain and are in some way, still with us. What I want now is to open myself to a different relationship with my brother – more expanded, more spiritual, less limited. Good Luck to all of us.