6 years today

Guest Post

Wow, I don’t know where to start. Its been a while since I’ve been on this site. But here we go.
6 years today. Feels like yesterday. Your picture hangs in my cubical. I see you everyday and miss you so much. So much has gone on. I struggle, I drink, I overeat. But I’m trying. It does get easier but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t want to call you or text you about something. I read some of the other posts and they call each other soulmates. What a great description of their relationships. I think that is what ours was too. Damn it, I miss you so much. Your two best friends reached out to me today. I hope you know how much they loved you too. Christ now I’m crying at work typing this. I love you and miss you so much!!!

For my baby sister, Kiara.

Guest Post, Letters
I wish you’d receive this.
I wish you’d rip open the letter like you would rip open the wrapping on your christmas presents when you were little. I wish I could watch you read it and I wish I could see a smile on your face as you read it silently.

You were always so protective of my feelings. You guarded them like it was the most special thing in the world to you. I couldn’t be sad without you being there for me and helping me feel better in every way. You stuck up for me like no one else when you didn’t even have to. You were my little sister.

I keep thinking back to just 8 months ago when we were in the back of the car on the way to the cliff in Greece. I was annoyed beyond recovery and you waited until everyone got out of the car and then looked over at me and asked me if i wanted a hug before getting out of the car. You gave me the nicest and most affectionate hug that i had felt from you in years- it almost put me to tears.. and then you said something to me, i forgot what you said and that makes me sad. Little did i know that i was about to get engaged. You were the only one that was in on it and you wanted me to go out there with a good head on my shoulders.

I was so lucky to have you. I needed you and now I need you more than ever. I have been through hell and back without you these last few months and it makes me so ragingly mad at you. The fact that you’d leave me here is so mean. You abandoned me.

Every time I start to get mad at you I immediately think about your body in the coffin and that should have been the worst pain i’ve ever felt when in reality, I have spent every day in pain which compiles and overrides the pain that i felt that day. I think of your eyes and mouth glued shut and I can still feel your freezing cold hands. I still hear our brother sobbing telling mom, papa and I “she’s so cold” while shivering himself in a hot room.

Sometimes things get so painful to think about that I can’t even cry anymore. I just sit and stare.

The weirdest part about all of this is that you were scared of everything. Even as a baby, you didn’t want to be held by anyone you didn’t know. You were always scared of fireworks but you became more and more scared of the world as you grew up. All of a sudden you became scared of the suns rays, public places, the ocean.. I could go on. You only made it to 15. Would it have become worse? Or would you have conquered your fears?

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I miss you. Oh my god I miss you. There has not been a day where your memory doesn’t make me lose my mind. I wish I could shake you and slap you and tell you that your life doesn’t have to feel like this- it will get better. Our brother and I told you that. We told you that over and over and you let us think that we got to you- that you believed us. You lied. You lied and told me that you’d be there for me forever.

Kiara. I want to live a beautiful life. I want you to help me live a beautiful life. I don’t want to feel like this anymore yet every day feels worse. I need your help from heaven.

I wish I had died instead of you.

Your sister who will adore you until the day I die,

Zoë

Breathe

Guest Post
You are not at this site because you want to be.
You may be experiencing a crushing sadness that you believe you cannot survive. You may be angry. You may be lost to the focus on your parents’ grief.
Each in our own way, we have stood where you are. For three years I felt like I had to will every breath I took. Nothing was familiar because everything was painted with my grief. I did not see a way I could live the rest of my life in this place,
This new life of mine is now familiar. I work in a helping field. I can be happy and I know, most days, that my life matters.
Journaling helped. Therapy helped. Waiting past the moment I thought I could not helped.
Keep coming here. You are not alone.
Breathe.

A place of hope. A community.

Guest Post

You are not at this site because you want to be.
You may be experiencing a crushing sadness that you believe you cannot survive. You may be angry. You may be lost to the focus on your parents’ grief.
Each in our own way, we have stood where you are. For three years I felt like I had to will every breath I took. Nothing was familiar because everything was painted with my grief. I did not see a way I could live the rest of my life in this place.
In December 1986 my life changed forever. My younger brother set a catastrophic house fire that left nearly all of his body burned. He lived for 43 days.
I have now lived more than half my life as a sibling survivor of suicide. I have a happy life. I’m
married. I have a career in helping others.
My brother’s death is still the worst thing that has ever happened to me. This site has helped. Therapy has helped. Journaling has helped. Sharing my story has helped.
Read the stories here. Reach out. Know you are not alone.
Breathe.

Me and Livy

Guest Post

I feel like I’m dying. I feel like I’m being ripped apart. It was always me and you Livy. Always me and you against everything else. My soul feels like its being flayed open and I’m being burned alive. I can’t describe this pain I feel.

I was the only f** person you wrote a note to before u did it. That makes me want to scream until my body gives up. I’m so so so so sorry that I didn’t know. I would’ve slaughtered the world for u Livy. I wouldn’t given my own life for you. I’m so f** sorry you didn’t know that.

I can’t stop thinking about the time at grandma’s when we were all sitting at the table going around and saying things we liked about each other. It was my turn to say something about u and I just looked over at u and looked u in the eyes and we both started tearing up. I didn’t even say anything. I didn’t even need to say anything, we both just knew. Without words we just f** knew.

I can’t do this without u. I keep waiting to wake up. You’re in a vegetative state. You tried to OD and u didn’t die but you fried your brain so bad you went into a coma. Papa and Hannah found u after u were missing for 2 days. You’re a vegetable Livy, and every day for 47 days we’ve been going to the hospital to sit at ur bed. It’s been the worst kind of torture possible. They say you will never be Livy again. They say you will stay like this unless we make a decision to stop it. To kill you. I want to scream with agony that you left us with this decision. No human should have this decision to make.

You ruined me and I want to hate you so bad. My brain thinks it will be easier. I want to but I can’t. It’s not possible because it’s just you Livy. It’s just you my little sister. My soul won’t let me hate you.

I get mad because sibling doesn’t feel like a strong enough word. It feels like you reached inside me and killed me when you tried to kill yourself. I don’t know what other word would be more fitting. Soulmate?

I find myself thinking the worst things ever. How I wish I would’ve died instead of u. I’m a horrible f** person. I look at you and I just see myself. Everything that is me is you. I can’t live like this Livy. I just f** can’t.

Veronika

Guest Post
Veronika, I’m reading the posts here and remembering the great things you brought to my life. I remember how we used to laugh at the funny name of the mob guy that allegedly lived in your apartment before.And now I can’t remember his name so I want to call you badly. Ask for that name and have a great f———laugh. Then I’d ask you how your day was and banter about mine.

This is the first time in my life that I realize some things might be lost forever, like the name of the mob guy and the laugh we would share. And that makes me cherish the little things now. But also it’s hard to keep my head up.

I keep coming back to our picture from when we were kids. You are laughing there so much I think you’re peeing yourself a little. I’m next to you with my hand in front of my face, maybe I farted or something, I don’t know maybe that’s what made you laugh so much. I just wish so much I could share that laugh with you again.

—

I have no words. I don’t know. I just really don’t know. I still remember that hug I gave you on my balcony, in the sun. You were scared to come downstairs and open up to our parents, especially dad. I don’t know how it was in your shoes, but I feel like you shielded me from so much by being older.

Veronika, in a way we truly were f——— soulmates. I will never forget you.

1 month

Guest Post

Hey Jordan, it’s been a month. It still feels like just yesterday you were here. I miss you everyday and am still heartbroken that you aren’t here. Theo is growing every day and doing so much more than even a month ago now. He’s about the only thing that keeps me getting up each day.

It seems so impossible that you’re gone. I’m hoping writing will help me accept the situation.

I’m so sorry, I just didn’t know you were in so much pain. The world feels so empty without you here and I want nothing more than to join you. I contemplate it everyday but I have Theo and Kailee and I know they need me. We need you too and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that enough.

It’s so terrible here now. All I have are memories and regrets. I’m angry all the time. It’s not fair to the people around me but I just don’t care. There’s no one in my life who understands this pain and it makes it all the more unbearable.

I know I tell you this all the time but I truly hope you are at peace now. I love you so much

I lost both my brothers to suicide

Guest Post

where to begin?? Well I guess I should start in 2020 when my younger brother John-michael took his life in his room @ the age of 21 and I was the one who found him.
2 years later in 2022 my youngest brother Jim ended up going the same route he died @ the age of 20.
Now what makes this story even more interesting is that my brother Jim recorded music so when he left this world he left his music here which is currently still being released ( posthumously)

Its just crazy that I can still hear his voice and feel what he felt threw his music.
Fast forward to current date which is 05/28/23 I am now living in a sober living which I have relapsed and I’m been on a binge for almost 2 months now. I can feel the depression coming back and thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore but then again there’s no way I could ever hurt my family like that they would just be devastated now that I’m the only brother left. I just need some one to talk to about this I mean I don’t want say I’m using my past trauma as an excuse to use but damn man I just have a lot pain I had to go threw like damn! why does this have to happen? its been 7 months since my brothers passing and I feel like I’m just now grieving.