Trying to Cope with these Feelings

My only sibling, younger brother of 24, committed suicide on June 7, 2018 by gun shot under the influence of narcotics and alcohol. I live in Denver, CO so I was informed a few hours after the incident after arriving to work. My family notified my place of employment so that when they told me, I wouldn’t be alone for long. I’ve never felt a feeling of weakness quite like I did trying to get out of my car. My legs were so weak that I melted to the ground, uncontrollably sobbing. I remember getting random messages asking if I knew from certain friends and family, but I ignored them thinking that if I didn’t indulge them then everything would be normal. The flight from Denver to my parents was the longest flight I had ever been on, even though it was only a few hours.
Upon hearing the news, my social media blew up. I was receiving messages, posts, texts, and phone calls so rapidly that I had to turn off my phone. Receiving so many prayers from friends and family, showing love and support, made me angry. I rather it all be traded in, leaving me with no love support or friends, and just have my brother back.
People show their condolences, and even told me of stories were they lost their love ones, however it wasn’t the same to me. They lost a love one due to sickness or freak accidents, I lost my love one because he took his life.
I have gone through waves of sadness, anger, and guilt. Guilt has been the worst to deal with. I feel guilty for not being there, not helping enough, and even after his death, I feel guilty for even the slightest smile, eating, and reminiscing on good times. I feel guilty for wanting the support to leave and guilty for the lack of support I gave to him.
I wish I could have told him how much I look forward to making memories with him as our life went on. I wish I told him more that I admired him as a human and I wish he could see how many people are hurt and devastated from losing him.
I am having trouble finding the right way to get my emotions out. People tell me that I can’t keep it in, because that isn’t healthy. I’m not 100% sure what is a healthy way of coping with a loss this heartbreaking, and I am scared for what the future holds for me and my family.
SDB

This is a sibling letter for the SiblingSurvivors site. Please review and approve/disapprove as appropriate. Remove this part (including blank lines before the post content) before you
Dear Nicolas.
I feel kind of silly, writing a letter to you on some random website I found. But, I just don’t know where else to go. I’ve tried everything, even seeing a medium to try to talk to you. I miss you, so much. It never gets easier baby brother. Im still so proud of you, all you did in the Navy. Your friends miss you. We miss you. You were so young, you had so much more ahead of you that we couldn’t wait to see. But I guess life just got to be too much.
I wish you would have came to me, or our brother and sister. None of us would ever have judged you. We would have done anything for you. Nothing can measure the void you left in our hearts. It’s so easy to pretend youre still on base and you’ll be home for Christmas. But you won’t be. Why can’t I accept that? I wish I could have done more to help you, Nicky. I feel so much guilt and sorrow. Everyday I cry for you. Can you hear me when I talk to you?
It was us four forever. We’ve been through so much together, and now it’s just us three and nothing feels right anymore. I miss you. I can never say it enough. I hope that you’re okay now, that your with Mom. We love you Nicky. No matter what, for always. We love you to the moon and back baby brother. You’re always with us. ♡

Still Missing you Kate

Friends, I love reading your posts because they are truly inspiring, though sad, and obviously touch my heart too.
I lost my sister Kate back in April. It was a sudden shock, and as most of us, I was in shock for the first month or so. Going up to Toronto to gather her few belongings and ashes was truly torturous and sad. We came home and had the service, and the most difficult thing in my life was delivering her eulogy. No, I didn’t make it through without tears, but who cares?
Anyway, I’ve been trying to put her out of my mind and focus on work, but as I’m sure you all know, during certain times; driving home, getting ready for bed, and even waking up the thoughts creep into my mind. Could I have done more? Maybe, but it wouldn’t have changed the outcome. I’ve decided that simply ignoring and burying my feelings isn’t the way to do things. I’ve found a local support group for survivor siblings and plan to attend. Yes, it’s not even been three months yet, and I don’t know that I’ll ever get over this, and will never forget my beloved sister, but thought maybe talking to like minded people might help. I pray nightly for everyone on this site, and everyone who has lost someone and hasn’t found this site. I’ll continue to read your letters because I can honestly feel the emotion in them and it makes me feel less lonely.

Ross, my big brother.

Ross was third son out of five sons that my mother had. I am the fourth so Ross would have been about 36 when he took his own life. He lived in France for most of his married life with his two daughters and one son. Admittedly i barely spoke to him unless he would come back on rare visits to the UK.
I don’t remember the specific date but it was sometime in April 2013 when I had received a phone call from another of my older brothers. I was out with a friend in the nearest town to us and we had to pick up a package and hoped to get some lunch and enjoy a little road trip. We were just arriving into town when i answered my phone and brother told me that Ross had hung himself and had only 2 hours to live.
I could barely make out his voice through his tears and crying. I sort of froze. It just didn’t compute. My friend asked me in an innocent caring way if everything was ok. I simply replied, “um..no, o dont think so…actually.” That was all i could say.
My friend went to pick up her package after we parked up and i went to the nearest pub to have a really strong drink and numb the growing despair and shock. I ordered my drink, sat down and just stared at it. I don’t know how long i sat there. Probably not more than 20 minutes when i realised that i had to tell my Mum. I knew that nobody else would even consider her in this knowing my family. I also knew that by telling her I would be tearing her whole world apart. My head was all over the place by that point and just didnt think about what i was doing except that i knew that i had to do it so nobody else had to. I had to spare family and anyone else from doing this.
I told her.
She begged me that it wasn’t true.
We said our goodbyes and she was screaming and crying as we hung up.
The most horrible thing I have ever had to do.
In the months afterwards, I would stay with my Mum for a little while and see some of my family.
He had to be cremated in France as we could not afford to bring him back home. Instead we held a service for him attended by his family and friends.
I will never forget my Mum crying by his grave stone as the rain came down. I stood there just back a little from her. My grandfather stood the same distance away and i heard him say (mostly so nobody could hear him) “Oh Ross. My boy.” He then walked away so as to not show his tears to my Mum. I said nothing. I stood there gradually getting soaked. I felt myself really welling up. I took my Grandfather’s approach and walked away so as my Mum didn’t see me. I needed to be strong like I had been already.
This is the most horrible story I have ever had to tell and the worst part is, it is all true. This happened in the spring of 2013 and it will stay with me forever.
Let’s reach out to people together. This does not need to happen anymore.

I miss you so much

I miss you so much brother , it’s been two months since I lost my personality twin, I was supposed to be rock and you left me… you left me sad and heartbroken why did you do that? I loved you so much , although you didn’t make good choices at times I was always your #1 supporter. You left with a piece of me, and each day I fall more and more sad and empty and I don’t know if I’ll ever recover this sadness I just miss you so dearly… idk how to cope with these kind of things .. I don’t 🙁 . I smell your cologne every day I sleep with you on my neck but it doesn’t help.. it doesn’t help me at all. I just want to hear your voice again I miss you man

Subject: The Day My Brother Committed Suicide

Unconsciously we expect things to be a certain way, and that the ones we love will be here forever. For me, forever fell apart.
It’s been 9 months today since my brother took his own life, but it still feels like yesterday. On May 16, he was supposed to turn 36… he only made it to 35. Two years apart- we were born on the same day. This year was the first that I had to celebrate without him, and exactly one year since the last time we talked. Ever since the day he went away, nothing has been the same. When people ask me how I feel, truth be told- I don’t know. There are no words powerful enough to describe how I feel, no words strong enough to heal my pain… and no one like my brother that can ever fill the empty space in my heart. It’s like being in a different time and universe, watching the rest of the world move on like nothing ever happened. It’s so surreal.
Not only did I lose my brother that day, I lost a piece of my family… No matter how much I pray that time will heal and that things will get back to normal- how it used to be, I know it won’t.
I was in Sweden visiting family and friends when I found out that my brother had committed suicide. After years of struggling with drug addiction, he just couldn’t take it anymore. He was in
Psychiatric Inpatient Care at a hospital when he decided to end his life. I never got the chance to see him that summer before he died, and it really hurts. I will never know if it would’ve made any difference, but the thought of it breaks my heart- a little more for each day passed. I desperately went through his only two plastic bags of belongings, looking for some sort of note, letter or anything- But there was nothing. I just have to accept that I will never know where his thoughts were in that moment, or the final straw that made him come to the conclusion… What
caused the moment to lose all hope? Or maybe it wasn’t just the moment?
So many questions without an answer.
I can only assume. And in the middle of all this, my flight back to LA and school had to be rescheduled. I had to make a decision fast, whether or not I wanted to continue my education in LA or move back to Sweden. I booked another flight that gave us about two more weeks to plan for the funeral and everything that comes with it. The following weeks went by slowly. Mom and I spent hours, even days in front of the TV, but I’m sure none of us would’ve been able to recall the name of any show that we watched that week. The couch became a therapy zone where we dwelled our thoughts and emotions. We spent days organizing all the practical things, so much that I think it served more than just one purpose. Somehow, we had to find ways to survive the emotional shock.
Grief is personal.
You don’t believe that it’s real when you lose someone that close to you, and I think it’s part of the process. The most bizarre part is when you have to choose a casket for the funeral, clothes you wish to see them in before you say your last goodbye, an urn for the remains of your loved one- a poem to describe your whole life together in just a few sentences… at the same time you’re trying to process the loss of your loved one to suicide. There is no right way to grieve, no time-limits for how long we need to process loss, and some people experience more complicated grief than others. I was co-dependent before I could even spell the word, and I lost my brother to drug addiction long before he died. The saddest and the hardest part to accept is that I don’t remember the last time he was happy.
For each day passed, I miss him even more.
When people ask me how I found the strength to get back upon my feet, and start school only a month after my brother died- I tell them that I didn’t. Strength found me. I don’t have any super powers, neither does my mom, my dad or my younger brother… You just live.

Subject: I still miss you daily.

I am out of town on a business trip and came across someone who has had a sibling in the hospital where I last kissed your forehead as you lay brain dead. I hadn’t thought about it in a few weeks… I was doing great until this evening.
That same, familiar, heart-crushing pain sunk in and I find myself weeping uncontrollably again. I messaged our other sisters I loved them. I am completely unable to say anything more than that. We are like dominoes, if one is in the dark spot and the others find out- we are all there. So I saved them the agony today.
I often wonder how my sweet nephew will be as he grows. I hope he always just remembers you an angel and never feels the extent of this pain. I hope he turns out well adjusted in the end. I hope you are happy and proud of how we are handling things.
It’s been almost two years and I miss you just as intensely as I did the first day.
Truly, our of all the horrible days of my life; that was the worst. I hope the boys who followed after you are keeping you company, my sweetest angel.
I miss your laugh, your smile, your spirit; I just miss you. The worst part about losing someone is not knowing if being gone from this life means you are gone forever. I hope that is not the case and we meet again. What I would give for one more embrace and another raspy laugh.

Subject: Six months later

I would like to first say that I have read a great many of the posts on this site before thinking of writing one myself. They kept me sane when I felt my thoughts were beyond order.
Six months ago, I lost my younger brother. Around Thanksgiving, my youngest brother and I heard he wasn’t doing well. I couldn’t get on a plane to go to him, because I was over eight months pregnant. His wife was concerned he would hurt himself and both me and our youngest brother didn’t believe that was remotely possible. Within a week, he took his life and three days later I gave birth to my first child.
He was on the West Coast, having just left the military a few months before and entered a college program. He was a well respected private in the navy, having received two major awards, including one for saving someone’s life.
He was the best of us, the most concientious, devoting his life to others, kind, hysterically funny, handsome, athletic, gifted with a smile warmer than the sun and a laugh that assured you life was good.
There was no funeral even though hundreds of people would have attended to honor him. His will directed that he should be cremated which was done in CA while I was in a hospital in NY and my son in the NICU. Memorials were planned and then set aside when grief was unbearable. His navy friends organized a paddle out in several states in his honor and we stood by the shoreline at our home beach to honor him.
Everyone thought he was doing so well and on this continual trajectory up after working so hard and fighting for happiness despite hardship and having to overcome many odds.
He was so kind that I worried about people taking advantage of him or hurting him. He loved everyone and sacrificed so much for them, I could not have imagined this for him. He loved his wife more than anyone and anything. She was his greatest happiness. He was robbed of his life because he had no idea how to handle or confront his depression.
That is all I can say for now though it is a mere nothing to the emotions that surround this loss.Thank you for this website to put thoughts and feelings.

This morning I woke up with puffy eyes – the same puffy eyes that I woke up to every night for at least 2 weeks straight after he took his life by hanging. I looked in the bathroom mirror and saw a face still dealing with the pain of loss. It’s hard to imagine that it has been 7 months without Eli. The permanent absence of his laugh, of his smile, of my favorite arm to hold, is hurtful. The pain of the loss of my big brother who was so close to my heart and soul is gut wrenching. I look around see the pictures I have scattered around my apartment, which now collect dust. Sometimes, I can be superficial and remember good memories. Sometimes, I stare at them in anguish. I get this feeling in the back of my throat like I shouldn’t be breathing when he is not around. How could this be my life? How does this even happen? How is he just.. GONE. He’s not even on this Earth anymore, how could that even f’ing be?! Escalating feelings of unfairness and sorrow well up inside. Then I have to let them go.

This roller coaster happens probably every week, but I think of him every day. I hear people say this a lot, and didn’t know what it meant, but it’s so so true. I think about him EVERY DAY!!! When I went hiking in Colorado last week, when I go running, when I make smoothies, when I go to bed, when I eat a sweet potato, when I talk to my incomplete family, when I consider working in psychiatry (but right now I say nope, can’t handle that). I think of my wonderful, loving brother every time. I let myself feel the pain, then I let it go. This is how I survive.

I feel more anxiety now than I ever did before. I don’t feel as confident anymore. I try not to bury feelings, but it happens anyway. I’m just surviving in this world now. Now that I’ve lost a loved one to suicide, no one can relate – not even my own family members grieve the same way that I do. However, through the pain I hold my family closer to my heart than ever before. I actually think I value the average human life more than ever before. There is something sweet to every sour. A soft side to every sword. We live with both. That is humanity. Learning to deal with hardship is a lesson we all learn. Every person has their own hardship, and we have to stand strong together and wipe each other’s tears so that we can all move forward. I hope all of us can someday be an advocate for stopping suicide. We have to speak out and make a change, because nobody should have to experience the pain of loss like this.