I was told all my life I had a big brother my mom gave up for adoption a few years before I was born. Therefore I started looking for him when I legally was allowed to. I dreamt of what that moment would be like holding my big brother in my arms in a big hug, telling him stories of my childhood but also telling him how much I wish he had been apart of it. So he was born in 1977 and I was born in 1980 not very far apart I always felt him near but couldn’t pin him down. So my whole life I had this small void where he should have been I wanted my brother in my life even if he may or may not have wanted me in his. You see he was adopted and I didn’t know by who I had been searching for him for about 19 years I spent searching for him when I finally got the information on his where about a one winter afternoon. But the voice on the other end said to me Jenn He committed suicide feb 12th 2015 this was told to me Jan 30th 2017 I about dropped the phone. I have spent so much time since then trying to figure out why what was going on that bad that he would take his own life. I learned from his ex gf that he hung himself no one understands really what made him do it. I hear he was deeply depressed. All I could think of was How could you do this to me and the rest of your family? I feel cheated out of getting to know my brother I almost wanted to scream (now you come back now and take this pain away) but I knew it wouldn’t happen he was gone I’d fall to my knees and cry just wanting him to come back I wanted that hug I had always dreamed of and now my heart is broken I’ll never get that I’m slowly coping day to day but it’s still so hard how do mend a a shattered heart ?

I just found out an hour ago and I can’t take the pain. I can’t believe it. I feel broken into pieces.

One year ago

My brother passed away about a year ago from a self inflicted gunshot wound. My last interaction with him was about a month before he died and I was mean. I could tell something was off with him. He was drinking way more than usual and was smoking a lot. I gave him crap for it and was genuinely made at him. I left without saying goodbye or telling him I loved him. I was so mad I didn’t even reach out to him the month leading up to his death. I know there isn’t a point in dwelling on something I cannot change now, but for the past year I have gone over everything in my head and I just hope he knew that I loved him. He was always there for me and I couldn’t be there for him. He was my big brother and one of the most important people in my life. He was kind and smart and loving and simply an amazing person. I don’t know if this will ever get easier but I hope I can live a life he would have wanted me to live.

Subject: I buried my baby brother yesterday

8 days ago, I got the call that shattered my soul, my baby brother, my only sibling, 30 yrs old, hung himself. I was, am, so very angry, sad, confused, numb. He survived, 6 days, icu, and hospice care in the hospital. I buried him yesterday, and now I’m just here. I don’t know how I’m gonna survive this, I don’t know how to handle it. I will. One day at a time I suppose. But just for today, the first day I have nothing to do, I just don’t know how.

When I cry, I feel the pain of your loss. I feel the sting of my tears. I am hurting. When I cry, I imagine you can feel my pain too, the stinging tears, the hurt. It feels good to imagine you can feel that pain. Good. I look up, and for an instant I hope you’re looking down at me and I want you to feel bad for me. Good. Feel bad. Feel my pain, I think to myself. I know you didn’t really want to leave me. You just wanted the pain to end. Well, too bad. That was only the beginning. Sorry for being a negative Nancy. Damnit, I miss you. I wish you could come back to me. I know you do, too, Eli.

Happy Birthday Serg, you have been gone for 8 months now & its so hard not to be able to tell you in person, hug & kiss you but I find some comfort in knowing that our grandma is throwing you a big party like she use to in Monterrey & your surrounded by all our loved ones that have left us. What I would give to turn back the time mijo, I miss you so much that it hurts so bad. We are going to visit you to church and then going to have dinner with your boys to celebrate you, we believe your spirit will be there with us.. This has been extremely hard for us our mom is still devastated and very depressed nothing or no one can cheer her up & our dad poor him, he tries to pick up the pieces but our family is too broken nothing can put us back together, YES you were that important, YES we loved you more than anything, YES your decision ruined our family AND YES we forgive you because no matter what we love you and have to accept the fact that you are not coming back. I know we will see you again and that is the only thing I hold on to that gives me hope & comfort… Love you always & forever your sis…

One week ago today you woke up feeling like you have no purpose. Feeling like you didn’t want to live another day. I had no idea you were in such a dark place. I had no idea you wanted to die so desperately. I had no idea because I was so consumed in my own life. I didn’t ask you about yours. I didn’t think about your problems or your sadness. I only thought about my own. I always think I just have to get thru today. Well you couldn’t get thru it last week. You couldn’t go thru one more day. I wish I felt your sadness. I wish I had know your pain. I wish I had told you I love you. I wish I had helping you just get theu the day. I wish your only sibling wasn’t a selfish little sister like me.
Can we be best friends? Can we be sisters when we meet again? I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I loved you.

Dear Sister,
Today you would have turned 26. I can’t believe it’s been 11 years since I’ve seen you. I’m so sad that you’re not here. I know it was partially my fault. It was all of our fault. I had a dream that night. I dreamed demons were surrounding someone…lying to her…trying to make her go into the water. I woke up knowing I needed to go to the back porch at Moms, I didn’t know who or why just that I needed to stop the demons from destroying our family- our parents. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I didn’t go. I didn’t know how to explain to my husband why I was leaving the house so late. I didn’t know where my keys were. I had an overwhelming urge to smoke a cigarette. I sat on the porch and cried, prayed I wouldn’t ever want to kill myself. I never went to rescue you like I was supposed to. I will never forgive myself for failing you.
I find solace knowing that the Bible says blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God.
Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen.