Hey David,
I’ve been missing you since October 17, 2018, but I focused on finishing my master’s and the grief is hitting me hard now that I’ve turned in my comprehensive exam… it was hard to get motivated after you passed, but I know it’s what you would have wanted.
I opened our old Google chat the other day and scrolled back to the first message where you told me you needed my help with a project for Engineering school. Specifically, whether a hydroponics system would be sustainable within your design for a fully sustainable house and whether grey water could be used…… You were so brilliant Dave. I hope you know how proud we all are of your great ideas and innovative spirit.
At first, when I came home for your funeral it was like those times you were on a skiing trip and I was at college and we just ‘missed each other’. But now I’m beginning to really feel that you’re gone and it hurts immensely.
I would have really like to talk to you about my final project of designing a STEM center for schools… I know you would have had lots of ideas for student-directed projects and some engineering expertise to add.
I know you were dealing with severe symptoms of schizophrenia and depression and you decided enough was enough… but I wish I could have done something, anything… to keep you here with us.
I love you, lil’ brother,
love,
Dara
One year ago today….
My Dearest Kate,
It was exactly one year ago today that we received that horrible call from the Toronto police – a call that changed our lives permanently, that you’d taken your own life in a creepy, dilapidated hotel in downtown Toronto. Since then me, mom and dad have been grappling with feelings of guilt, sadness and anger, wondering if there was anything we could’ve done to stop you. I know you’d gone off your meds, and that does somehow make it easier to understand, but not accept. I miss you each and every day, and think of you each morning when I wake up and each night when I go to sleep. The great times we had as kids, the time we were apart when you disappeared – us not knowing where you were for so many years, or that you’d been diagnosed and committed for your mental illness. The truth is Kate, we loved you more than you ever knew, and I just wish I’d have told you more. This past year I’ve kept thinking that once we hit the one year mark I’d be able to move past the grief, but it just hasn’t happened. The only comfort I have is knowing you’re in heaven and one day I’ll see you again. I’ve asked mom and dad to dinner tomorrow night as a celebration of your life, but I suspect they’re too upset, so maybe a quiet night In is best for everyone. I hope I’m some ways that you’re looking down on us and seeing what this has done to us, and maybe in some way realizing now how much you’re missed. That’s it for now, but I’ll write you again. Miss you and love you always.
Your brother.
Stace
I lost you. On April 9, you disappeared from my life. You were my only sister, and may have been the only person on the planet that would know the real me. To think that you were alone and afraid torments my every waking thought. I am so afraid that I cannot recover, and simultaneously afraid to recover. Everything I loved seems meaningless. The things we shared are impossible to forget, yet I am grasping for each memory, terrified to lose even one. Facing the night is just a horrible segue to an even more painful day. I miss you.
He’s just gone
It’s been 3 days since we found him. No note, no real reason. He’s just gone! The unanswered questions will haunt me. Not knowing why and why now? How could you leave your son who desperately needed you. How? He’s just…just gone.
How can I help him?
My significant other’s brother took his own life last week. He is struggling, and I’ve done my best to be there for him but I feel I am failing him.
He says he feels lost, does not want to go on, and seems to just be in a haze. They were close when they were younger, but rarely saw each other as adults, both now in their late 30s. Their father passed away some time ago but their mother survives, and since this happened she has not been kind to my SO. I do understand that she is also hurting, but I fear she is doing a great deal of harm. That said, I don’t think it would be beneficial to point out the toxicity his mother is bringing to the table.
I have gathered information for him about counseling options and made sure he knows I am here whenever he needs me. So far he has refused counseling services, and I do not believe he has done any research on coping with the situation, even though he has acknowledged he is not okay. What else can I do for him?
Li’l Bro
Today, I start the rest of my life without you. How does one feel so badly and show no signs of it? You and I have been the only survivors of our family of 5 since 1982. How could you leave me. How could you leave your family? I am so angry, I can’t calm down. I am so sad, I can’t stop crying. How could you do this???? My God! You were the most kindest, loving soul and were so loved. Good-by Li’L Bro. I love you.
Best Friends Forever
My brother took his life on Dec 6th 2018. My last msg from him was 1 day prior, it simply said “Hello” It was late at night & he would often muck about with silly msgs so i decided to leave till morning. I replied “Hi :)” I never got a reaponse. There was no way of knowing i would never here from him again.
I had planned to hang himself at work on a remote minesite… and that he did. Leaving our entire family shocked, hundreds of friends in disbelief.
Four months have passed and i still find trouble comprehending my best friend, my only full blood brother is gone forever. We lived in different states of Australia & only saw each other a few times a year, but always kept in contact. But he was booked to arrive to stay with me on Dec 24th for Christmas with the family :(.
I knew he was depressed but no one! Knew that he would take his own life…. He was grieving fpr a friend who passed, and our mum died 2 years ago… also a relationship break up, money troubles etc but these where all things we spoke about regularly.
I will love him forever, he is very much apart of me, we share the same blood. Oneday when its my time we may meet again ♡ until then i will celebrate him and remember the good times we had growing up ♡♡♡
To Joe on National Siblings’ Day
Hey bro. I don’t think we ever celebrated this day, but I wish I could with you. It’s been over a year now, but I still remember hearing mom telling me over the phone like a thunderclap.
We all miss you so much. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that you’ll never meet my child or any of our children. I guess I thought you and me were the most likely to get married and have kids, and that we’d be the ones running the big family events. I wish I had realized just how close to the edge you were.
I still don’t know what to tell people when they ask about my siblings. I keep talking like all of my siblings are alive, and then I stumble. I keep expecting you to come back, like you’re just on a lengthy, solitary vacation or something. There’s something so final about suicide that I can’t comprehend, and I just keep waiting for you to come back.
I don’t think any of our hearts will ever heal completely, but I want you to know you’re here with us on National Siblings Day, and we miss you so much.
I love you. I hope I get to see you again.
Siblings Day
I guess it’s Siblings day… It’s been nearly three years since my only brother ended his life. Since his death, I’ve finished my Master’s degree, gotten a career job at my dream school, turned 30 and finally moved out of our parents’ house. I do what I can to keep moving forward, even when I’m exhausted. I can’t become stagnant. So I keep pushing to better my life. But I can’t help but think that my happiest days might be behind me because all the good stuff is tainted with the thought that I don’t get to share it with my brother or the guilt that I get to have things that he can’t have anymore. So I’d trade it all back in a heartbeat to have my brother back. Living under the same roof, stressing over money and work. Even with all the good I’ve tried to make for myself, I miss my old life. I try not to dwell on these thoughts for too long but I just needed to vent as I scroll through everyone’s posts on social media about their siblings.
Tired
I lost my brother to suicide June 13 2017.
He hung himself. First year I could not believe it! At times I woke up thinking he was still alive and I’d see him again thinking it was a bad dream. But now this is the second year and everything has hit me that he is really gone. This year is even worse than the first year. I really don’t know what to think at times.