To Chaos

Letters

Hey brother,

Today I am okay. It’s been 2 years & 10 months without you. Today I am okay. I’ve learned to feel your presence with me when I hear a new song, watch a funny movie, or meet a new friend. I still want to call you, but I know I can’t. Some days that gaping hole in my heart opens up and my eyes begin to flood; but today I am okay. Those new songs I hear that I know you would’ve loved I play them twice, and sing the lyrics you would’ve mimicked extra loud. Funny movies these days make me laugh twice as hard as I imagine sharing that moment with you in the room. Today I am okay. I eat hot Cheetos and Tostitos Pizzas when I’m missing you extra to feel closer with you. Today I am okay. It sucks when I am missing dad, I always want to call you, but end up missing you too; but today I am okay. There’s so many things in this world I want to share with you. I wish you would’ve knew that things would get better… I had to convince myself for so long that that was true for me too. Days change & I miss you always. Today I am okay. Last month maybe I wasn’t okay, next month who knows. Everyday is different, but today I am okay. I feel what I feel, and I feel each emotion so deeply. You changed my life forever and at every stage of life I am still affected by your absence; but today I am okay. I move differently because of you; numb is numb; and sensitivity is sensitivity. Sometimes my days are black and white, some days they are bright, and when I am missing you and lost myself, it’s all grey; but today I am okay. When you first passed and people said you’re at peace, I couldn’t understand! But today I am okay & think hey, maybe you are at peace. I find your birthday numbers often; they appear randomly. The time 3:25. Order numbers 325. Address to location I am going 325; my tips for the night 325, gas prices $3.25; license plates *325***. I know you’re with me. Keep making your presence known please, keep guiding me. Especially on days when I am not okay. XOXO FMC

My big brother was just 14 years old – why he go that way?

Guest Post

I am sharing this post on behalf of my little girl aged 6. She lost her brother on 14 July 24 .

Her brother Rippanpreet hung himself after he had taken lunch with us. Although he was angry his father (myself) objected of him watching too much TV and games all the day, we had no clue only after 2 hours he will take the extreme step .

Now that he has gone, she has started ignoring anything related to her brother, she even does not utter his name from her mouth, and even skip the picture if she accidentally comes across it. Doctor says it’s her way of dealing with trauma, and she is fine.

But I know she is struggling, as she is irritated all the time, angry on arbitrary things, and always demanding new toys.

Can you share your suggestions? I am too worried and confused about her.

Father (sukhraj)

My Brother, My First Best Friend

Guest Post
It’s been nearly 6 years since my brother decided to leave us. To leave us in a way we still to this day cannot understand. Since that fateful day I replay the days leading up to it. I question, I overthink and over analyse every small detail in my mind. I miss him terribly. We all do. My poor parents…
Recently I’ve become consumed with anger towards him which leads me into a spiral of guilt and emotion I haven’t felt before. I’m angry because I feel cheated. Cheated in a way where I feel like I’ve not only lost my only sibling but also our mum. She’s become withdrawn, she’s isolated herself and become volatile. She was always the life and soul of any social situation, now she hardly leaves her house. And I feel like I’ve lost her too.
I don’t want to be angry and feel this way. I just can’t shake it. I love my mum and dad terribly and wish things could be different .

In honor of Raymond Ysias Rodriguez

Guest Post
Today, tonight a year ago was my little brother’s last day alive… July 27th, 2023, I was woken up to a call at 9 am from our big sister that my brother hung himself. He used two ropes… no sign of struggle. No note…. I remember the instant feeling of despair. Our family isn’t the same without him. His gf told him he’s a deadbeat dad. And he wasn’t. It’s all just so ugly and unfair and messed up. There’s so much to it. He barely turned 24 June 3rd 2023. Now I’m awake and I can’t sleep because of the wide range of complications now that he’s gone. How will we prove to our little baby nephew his dad loved him? She’s already moving on and there’s so much hurt and a sense of betrayal. And I just wish I could die too. But I can’t. I have a daughter and a husband… I’m sick in my soul and nothing could make me feel better. His goofy faces and laughs. His sweet sensitive personality… he already felt like a failure for so many financial reasons. I remember him the last month looking so defeated all the time. His sadness, stress, and hopelessness came out in the form of anger because let’s face it, a man doesn’t like to feel weak or let people see him cry, so it’s easier to be angry. But an angry man is a depressed man. He lost so much weight. He withdrew from everyone. I wish we could have seen it happening. And I lived so far away…. I feel like I failed him. Because when he’d visit me and my husband I noticed the hope and the light and energy return to his eyes, like yeah, you know what your right. I can do this – it’s just baby steps. Then he’d go back home, to that environment…

My little brother, gone after schizophrenia

Guest Post
My brother Michael took his life after a 6 or 7 year battle with schizophrenia. I feel like I lost him twice, and I feel guilty for even thinking that. He is gone now for good. Sometimes in my head I scream “where are you?” I can’t fathom it. The pain sometimes feels unendurable. I am wracked with grief, guilt, regret, horror. I love you so much, Michael. I miss you.

The burden of guilt

Guest Post
I lost my younger brother who was like my own son and my very best friend less than a year ago to suicide. We had so many plans together and now I just feel so alone in this world.
He suffered from addiction and mental health and 4 weeks before he killed himself We fought and stopped talking. The burden of guilt is killing me. I loved and still love him down to my core. I don’t know how to go on.

For my little brother, John M.

Letters
It’s Queen. I’m so sorry. Im writing this letter in advance, it’s 26 June 2024. I’m sorry I left home when you were just about to turn 6 this August. It’s a miracle I made it to turn 19. Please reach out, don’t be too mad! I’ll be back one day, we can play again like old times. I love you and I miss you a lot. All the mean things they say about me aren’t true. I can explain everything.

Chelsea, my cheech

Guest Post
I originally wrote this long message before deleting it. I wish we had parents who were capable of showing us healthy love and acceptance. Parents who took their mental health seriously. I get angry reading past articles following your passing and quotes of what mom and daddy said about mental health awareness. Meanwhile they let their mental health deteriorate and continue to cause destruction. As if your death wasn’t a lesson. I think it’s weird they take no part or think they factored in how you created your perception of your world. I have watched them be so evil and terrible to each other our whole lives.I WISH YOU WERE HERE. Why do some people attempt suicide survive and you didn’t? All I can wish is for you visit me in my dreams. That’s all I get from you now. It just doesn’t feel like enough. I love you so much Cheech, you were so good at masking it … death is so finite and my love feels alive more than ever. It’s been 9 years and it still feels like I’m grappling with you not being here.

Sometimes I stalk the internet, your facebook, old videos, to see what I missed. But I know it doesn’t matter now…

3 losses

Guest Post
I’ve lost 3 siblings to suicide. Details how and why are readily available if anyone wishes for further details, I’m open.
Suicide changes people
I’ve struggled with grief during times when most people got married and had babies. I didn’t. It consumed my presence in the world.
I feel loss grief anger sadness and wonder what my life would be without it.
I won’t ever forget or be healed but I’ve lost all shame.

what?

Guest Post
I got the call last Sunday. My 25 year old brother had hung himself. I’m 21. It’s now Friday, his funeral was today. Since the news, the week has flown by. All I do is lay on the couch next thing I know 9 hours has passed. I haven’t gotten up, ate, done anything in that period of time. Feeling guilt for everything. Watching a new movie he would’ve liked or drinking a red bull etc. I’ve felt like i’m in a dreams-like state the past almost week. When does the dream faze go away? When will I be here? How bad is this going to be when the dream is gone? How do you comprehend this?