This is my first time going on this site. I am 18 now, but when I was 15, my 13 year old brother hung himself in our room, on our bunk bed. There was no note, and seemingly no reason as to why he did it, or what he was thinking at the time. I was the one who found him. His name was Leo and he was my only sibling.
Over the years I have felt so numb and different. Sometimes I feel like I have no emotions and I feel nothing. Having his suicide been 3 years ago, enough time has passed to where I have adjusted to my own unique reality. I notice a huge change in my relationships with people. It was not instantanious, but it took time for me to realize. I have trouble dealing with anything commitment. I feel as if I can easily find the flaws and bad in other people; and that forces me to push them out of my life. This makes me feel like I’m not normal and I’m just a really evil person.
Going from having someone I can talk to all the time about anything, to nothing at all; i feel betrayed. I’ve isolated myself from a lot of things. I spend most of my days just playing xbox. I dont share how i feel with my parents because i really don’t know how to express in words the amount of pain and feelings of abandonment that i experience sometimes.
Being only 13, it hurts that much worse. He wasn’t an adult. He was a child. And he committed suicide. The suicide aspect of his death adds a personal touch to his departure. Almost like it was directed at me and my parents. Growing up, we had a really great life. He was not bullied in school. We didnt have family issues; in fact, we had a really strong family bond. So when I start thinking about reasons why he would do it. I start thinking because of me. I was his older brother, and I couldnt be there for him and now I will never be able to.
Adjusting to that reality, i dont think, is possible. And if it is, it takes longer then 3 years. Me being 18, I have to struggle finding my own personal identity. Figuring out who I am in life. That is not easy. On top of that, dealing with grief and everything that comes along with it, just sucks. No other words to describe where I am at right now, except just stuck.
His 17th birthday is in 2 days from writing this post. Usually, the 2 weeks leading up to his birthday are usually pretty rough, and then his birthday just comes and its, okay. I just figured I’d share my story on here, because I’ve never done something like this before.

Dear Baby Brother,
Wow, it will be 3 years tomorrow. I started thinking about it today at work and started crying. I think about you everyday. Its getting better but you still broke my heart. With all this shit going on in the world right now, I wanted to txt you so many times and hear your dry sarcastic responses to things. HA!
Made Detective finally, but I think you already knew that 😉
Guess I dont have a lot to say as I talk to you all the time at night. Labor Day was awful. Couldnt stop crying as this was the last time I saw you. CW and the kid just left me alone. I blamed it on the bonfire smoke so I wouldnt scare the little guy, who is getting BIG!! Online learning right now, could have used you for computer advise the other day. All these little things of daily life you take for granted until someone is gone…..fuk!!!
I will say it feels like so much longer that just 3 years. Maybe because I feel you took our childhood from me. I dont even like to look at pictures because I see you and wonder when it all changed. It was me and you and now its just me and it wasnt suppose to be like that! I then I think about all the family responsibilities you left me with. Now I have to make decisions by myself. Im not prepared to do that!!! Its not fair! There, I said it!! And after mom and dad are gone, it was to be us helping each other out. Bouncing life ideas off each other. CW is around but he is my husband, not blood and he didnt grow up with the experiences we did. Its not the same. I still need you!!!! Now I feel like I could throw up. I miss you so much!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sis.

I’m having such a hard time right now. 2020 has been a horrible year and not just because of the COVID crisis.

I lost my stepdad in January due to neglect.  My brother took his own life while going through a horrible divorce. I tried so hard to help him but it was just too much for him to bear.

I lost my sister to breast cancer 10 weeks after my brother died. I have lost all my siblings and now I must make the decision as to whether my mom (she’s 86) can live alone anymore.

I don’t know how much more heartache I can take! I talk to a therapist once a week, otherwise I don’t know if I’d get through these past nine months.

I wish I could take my mom out more (she loves to go shopping) but I am too afraid due to her age and the possibility of her contracting COVID.
Thank you so much for letting me get this off my chest! I feel like I’ve cried on my loved one’s shoulders too many times! Sometimes even telling my story to complete strangers can help me make it through another day. Thank you again!

My dearest sista put a gun in her mouth today and pulled the trigger. She is now on life support with her 2 grown sons at the hospital. I am far away but my nephew said not to come. She won’t make it past tomorrow. She just turned 51 and I am devastated. Cradle to grave I thought. My ride or die through life…my best friend…how do I go on without her???

My baby brother, Doug, shot himself in the head two days ago. I am struggling with every emotion I have read about. What I have not read about is the images that are engraved in my head of him sitting in his car, alone…and the graphic details of his death. I don’t think I will ever be able to close my eyes again and sleep peacefully. Please help me!

My sister killed herself with meth in her system. I had sent her a careless text a few days before and argued and made her feel she couldn’t reach out to me. I was the only person left she would have gone to. I feel so guilty. And tired. Sometimes i feel like I’m taking her place. Her life seemed hopeless and hard, I understand why she felt like taking it was an option. Im not suicidal myself, but I can’t forgive myself for not seeing how horrible life had been for her and just assuming she’d get through it. I feel like I deserve to feel even a little how she did, and still it doesn’t compare.
Damp
The ocean pulses against me
In
Out
Over
around
pullmetugmetakemeconsumeme
Sometimes I wish the water would just take me
No longer damp, but
Drowned.
Right there with you sister
Sometimes,
I think she had the right idea.
And while I feel so ashamed, I can’t stop myself from thinking it.
And pondering it
For a while
pullmetugmetakemeconsumeme
Sink into the edge
The ocean pulses against me
In
Out
Over
Around
Like blood pumping,
A dank existence that never stops
An infinite cycle, damp, uncomfortable.
clogged skin, clogged senses, clogged mind.
A dank existence that never stops–
Never stops
Pulsing
Drowning doesn’t look so bad
pullmetugmetakemeconsumeme
With clouded eyes,
You jumped in–
And sank.
My eyes are wide open.
Crusted in tears like the hot sand that lines what consumed you.
I don’t stare at the water.
I stare at you.
No clouds haze across my sky
But you do.
The constant tug of the ocean
The constant scortch of the sand
The constant pulse
pullmetugmetakemeconsumeme
The constant pulse,
That just. Won’t.
pullmetugmetakemeconsumeme
Maybe to have the right idea
You need clouds.
Or maybe,
Had I been right there with you,
Sister
The ocean would not have pulled
The sand would not now burn
And an existence that never stops,
Wouldn’t look so bad.
But My eyes are wide open.
Damp
The ocean pulses against me
In
Out
Over
around
pullmetugmetakemeconsumeme

You and I, we are the same. You were the one person on earth to be so much like me and you took your own life. Is it going to happen to me, too? I have been living with depression for years, just like you. Genetically, we are alike. Raised in the same environment, so if you as my big brother couldn’t stand the world, how will I survive? I try so hard to be okay, to snap out of it but most days I am hardly breathing really. So am I gonna suffer the same fate too? I am so lost without you, it feels so incomplete, this world, it feels so incomplete without you. Most days I don’t want to be here anymore, I just want to be with you. To know you are okay, to know you finally found rest. Please if you can, come to me in my dreams and tell you are okay. Just once, I just need to know you are okay. I need you to know I love you, so far you have been the biggest influence of my life. I love you so much.

I found this site while doing research on how other people cope with the feelings that I’m feeling. I know I probably need professional help but I can’t bring myself to talk to mom about it because i’ve maintained this stable version of myself in front of her and everyone else for this long. It’s killing me to see her so heartbroken since we lost you. And although it doesn’t seem to be working I want to believe that her seeing me being okay will help her be okay. Since the day I was born you were always there. And I honestly don’t know how I would’ve made it here without you. In elementary school,  when a half-diagnosed disorder kept me from being able to speak a single word to the teachers and most of the kids, you were always there to communicate for me. I couldn’t even go to the bathroom at afterschool care without you having to ask the staff for me. At summer camps when I was put into a group of girls that I had nothing in common with, you let your annoying little sister tag along with you and your friends so I wasn’t alone and I can’t ever repay you for that. My whole life I’ve had you to look up to and I wish I would’ve given you the opportunity to rely on me like I relied on you. It’s been 3 months exactly since you left us, and not a day goes by where I don’t think about how things could’ve been different. I am so sorry that I wasn’t there. I’m so sorry that I let an argument keep me from saying bye and telling you I loved you the last time I saw you. With everything going on, the soonest we could have your memorial is next weekend and the closer it gets the more i’m dreading it. I’m not ready to sit around listening to everyone talk about how you’re gone. To finally see everyone in one place mourning is going to make it so much more real. I want to keep living in this little bubble where I pretend you’re not dead. Even though I know it’s real, it feels like you’re just away on vacation or something and that’s why I haven’t seen you in so long. I don’t think i’m ready to say goodbye for good but I know i don’t have an option and it hurts so damn bad.

I’m having a really tough time these days. My mental health has been deteriorating because I am running out of ways to stay distracted. It’s been 2 and a half years since you died and I haven’t even began to comprehend it. I just didn’t have time to grieve, so I didn’t and every time I would think of you, it would lead to a weird experience where I think “huh? he can’t be dead. How in the world could he be dead? And before I send myself into a panic attack, I just go on Instagram to distract myself. Life is really f***** hard and I just don’t know what to do anymore. God said that if he took something from me, he would give me something to fill the hole in return. How could he replace my brother??? Nothing could ever compensate for the way I feel.