My oldest brother committed suicide on January 14th, 2025, only a few weeks ago. We had just placed my mom in hospice after Christmas. When dad called me, he was crying. I was prepared to hear that mom had passed, not that my brother had committed suicide. When I heard that, it felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest, threw it on the ground, and smashed it with a sledgehammer. My brother had been having some health issues since the summer. He said the doctors didn’t know what was wrong. That wasn’t the truth. I found a blood test result ftom October in his medical paperwork. He had been diagnosed with blood cancer, and it had gotten into his liver. He didn’t tell anyone, not even his best friend. It breaks my heart that he chose to keep it a secret, to go through it all alone.

Hey little brother.

When I pray to God, I ask him to deliver the

Message to you if possible.

I always ask him to please tell you how

Sorry I am. I am so sorry. profoundly sorry.

That night you told me you were tired of living. I

Thought that was a normal part of your recovery

We pushed you too hard. In fact, your entire

Life story is how we failed you.

You have a niece now. She’s bright and hilarious

You would have had a hoot with her. I always

Thought you’d have children before me that I

Could spoil. I haven’t had a moment of peace

Since the day you left. I been through about

4 therapists. I can’t forgive myself for letting

You do this. I didn’t know Joshua. I thought

You’d get better. I hope those NDE stories are

True and that you are in eternal bliss right now.

I miss you so bad it physically hurts. Would you

Please forgive me.

My little brother Jacob took his own life on 9/6/2024. He took a piece of my heart with him to heaven.I have yet to properly grieve- Our Dad passed on 9/28/2023- I have been in a 2.5 yr custody battle with my ex. Any feedback on what helps with this process…Somedays I wanna just Throat punch people other days I don’t wanna leave the house.

Jon-Jon,
On the 14th of January it will have been 8 months since you left us. I’ve suffered many losses in my life and I thought I knew what grief was. But I had no idea. Grief & loss have never cut me this deeply before. I still cry almost every day and they say that time heals all wounds but it’s unimaginable that any amount of time could heal this pain.
You put on such a brave face in the months before you passed. I was so hopeful because despite the troubles you were enduring in your life I thought that you were handling things so well. I believed that the hardships you were enduring were making you fight harder and you were finally able to see your own strength. I’ll never forgive myself for being so wrong. If you had uttered one word of your plans… I would’ve crawled on my hands and knees from FL to Seattle where you were living. You were my only sibling and I had taken care of you most of our lives. If I had known NOTHING could have stopped me. You had struggled with your mental health for so long I thought you understood that you could have overcome it. But at the same time.. I know you were tired.
On the night that you left, I had frantically been calling trying to get help with finding you or reaching you. A deputy from the sheriff’s office called to tell me the news. I had to be the one to tell Dad & Mom. I’ll never forget the look on Dad’s face. That night will always be the beginning of the nightmares that I’m most scared of.
Your light shined brighter than anyone’s that I have ever seen. You were everything that I knew I could never be. You were smart, you were brave, you were honest, you were never scared to be yourself, you were an amazing musician, and you fought your mental illnesses so hard. I look around at the world and I know it will never been the same.
I love you and there will always be this giant hole in my heart that’s there because of your absence.
I can’t wait to see you again, Bubba.
Love,
Sissy

It has been almost 4 weeks. Why did you do this? Did you not think of the damage it would leave mom and dad finding you? They are a mess and I am trying to be strong for them and for my own family. Mom blames herself that she did not see the signs and that you were always happy. I guess you hid it well. I wish you could of experienced this life little bro. You never gave it a chance. I kept telling mom and dad for years that you need to get out of the house, get a job, and actually experience life. I think you had severe social anxiety and maybe that is why you never wanted to leave the house. Your door is still shut at mom and dad’s house, they cannot open it yet. I am hoping I can get them to move closer to me and sell the house. I am so mad at you right now. This pain is excruciating. Not many people know and I have to put on my best face around people who have no idea what I am going through. Mom and dad do not want people to know how. It feels like a dirty little secret. I wish you would have talked to mom and dad. I wish you didn’t do this. I wish we had a better relationship and you would of gotten to know your nephews better. I wish you would of left that damn house before doing this. Like dad said, you were just a lost soul. I love you bud, always have and always will.

My bub, my dudey, my best friend, my twin. How heartbroken I am that you’re not here anymore. My world feels empty and hollow. I want you back so badly it makes me feel sick. You know the lengths I went to and would go to in order to keep you alive, so you told me you were doing better. I believed you; I was so relieved. We had reservations at a Brazilian steakhouse for Thanksgiving later that week. You bought Christmas decorations at Hobby Lobby and FaceTimed me because you were so excited about them. It’s been over a year now, life has kept going and sometimes I can’t believe it’s real. I miss you so much my bubby. I want to pick up the phone and hear your voice. I want to go to your apartment, I want you to come to mine. I want to give you advice, and I want advice from you. I don’t know what to do with all of your things. I haven’t talked to Mom since the day after your funeral because of everything she did.

Katie, you are so important to me. I have a hole in my heart that will never be filled. I hope you hear me when I talk to you. I hope the things I see are actually signs from you. I hope you truly are always with me like you promised you would be in your letter.

I will never stop loving you, bub.

Thirty-eight years ago tonight my brother set himself on fire and lived for 43 days.

I have posted here in the past. Some years this day slips by without me realizing. Sometimes I quietly acknowledge it. Some years it is very vivid like it is tonight.

For the first three years I felt I had to will every breath I took. I did not think I could survive the crushing pain and sadness. I am here to let you know I have a productive life and I’m happily married. It took a long time to find my way and my brother’s death is still the worst thing that has ever happened in my life.

Things that helped me: therapy, journaling, asking for help, finding nurturing things to do for myself. Sometimes all I could do was wrap up in a blanket on the couch. Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Keep coming back here. You are not alone.

Hello little brother. It’s me again. It’s a couple of days from what would have been your 60th birthday. It’s also getting closer to the one year since you left us. Life is hard and difficult, and I hurt everyday. Alice comforts me when I am having bad days. I don’t know what I would do without her.Mom is getting worse and the prognosis isn’t good. She had both her legs amputated a month or so back. As terrible as things have been this year (2024), losing mom would devastate me even more.

You would tell me all the time to get right with God. I know you were, and if there’s a Heaven, I know you are there. I still cannot bring myself to believe is something that holds me accountable and demands me to follow their will, yet won’t do anything to stop people’s suffering all over the globe. I know some of these feelings about God comes from my anger about losing my sister, my brother, my son, and the many friends through the years. Our friend Dennis passed in October.

I thought I would be better about dealing with your passing, but with the “day” coming up soon, I am miserable.

Missing you brother. If God will have me… until we meet again.