My baby brother

Guest Post, Letters

Dear Gavin, We’ve cycled around the moon phase. The day before a full moon. I resent the moon for continuing to rise while you cannot. I resent the sky for not cracking apart and swallowing every last one of us. I resent the world for lacking an ability to pause, rewind, or fast forward. I feel like a large piece of who I am is gone. So much of my life was spent hanging out with you or looking out for you. Now that you’re gone, my eyelids hurt. The salty tears keep trying in vain to wash away the pain, but my heart still hurts. I wish I could have prevented this. I wish I could have helped you slay the monster. I keep watching your favorite shows just to drag myself out of real life into the world we shared. I like Supernatural and Golden Girls is very cute.

I hope you got everything you ever wanted in death, because your life was too short. What if I live to be 81 I will have lived for three of your lifetimes. Mom misses you like crazy, Dad has the emotional range of a teaspoon and is trying his best to keep her fed and moving.

I have SO many regrets in this life because I wasnt there for you enough. I had three children and I forgot about my first baby. I still remember when you came home from the hospital. So squishy and so yummy. I loved you before I met you. You sparked a love for babies in me that I still chase to this day….

Please watch out for us down here. We are very vulnerable in our sorrow.

I wish you could come back. Sam and Dean could save you.

I love you & I hope I will see at the end of the tunnel.

I love you.

Guest Post
Jayden,

Though we were not biologically related, you were my full-blooded big brother no matter what. I haven’t been able to process the immense loss we have all been experiencing since you decided to end things. I feel numb constantly, like I can’t feel these emotions because I feel guilty that I was not more concerned about you the night your mom and other sister told me you ran off.
I couldn’t comprehend you ever doing such a thing, I had no idea you were hurting so greatly and I hate myself for that. I would do anything to have you back here with us. You visit me a lot in my dreams. I don’t know if it’s actually you trying to give me a message from beyond the grave, or if it’s my nocturnal mind’s way of telling me I need to process this. You always have such a comforting, happy presence in my dreams, and I am so grateful everytime I get to see you. I miss you constantly Jay. You were an angel on earth, and I am so angry you didn’t get the life you deserved to live. You deserved the big family you always talked about wanting to start, and how you wanted to be a marine biologist. I hate that I am now older than you were when we lost you. I wish you were still here so I could tell you everything that’s happened recently. I moved out of state, and finally broke up with that guy that you didn’t like. I met a really nice man and we are building a wonderful life together. I wish that you could come stay with us here, you would love the forest and the lakes near us, and the beach too. I am angry that you were treated so poorly by others that you felt it was your responsibility to stop that by ending your life. I am angry at your ex girlfriend every day, and my stomach flipped upside down when she showed up to your funeral practically making out with your cousin. I hate her, but I’m trying to make peace for her in my heart because that’s what you always did. Our peacemaker. I love you buddy. I hope there is a heaven, so that I can see you again and hear your silly jokes

In Memory Clyde

Guest Post
This is for my little brother Clyde. Unfortunately he committed suicide in February 22 2024. Clyde attended Alton School went to elementary school and up to high school. He loved video games and food, and he seek a professional career as a truck driver while his last moments on earth. He also have 6 siblings an older sister, myself, and younger siblings. He leaves behind his father and mother, and 3 nephews 4 nieces.

Tony My Brother

Guest Post
Your birthday just passed first one we didn’t celebrate together. You were my best friend my younger brother and together we promised to go through cancer treatments together. I kept my promise and was with you when your treatments ended and stood beside you as you rang that bell. A little while later I rang my bell alone because you left me. I am not angry I know the pain you were in I had it to. No little brother I’m not angry with you I just miss you and feel so alone

To My Older Sister Feza

Guest Post
I miss you a lot. It’s been 10 months and the only thing that’s on my mind is you. I’ve genuinely been struggling without you here. struggling to the point that I don’t really want to do anything, I don’t want to eat, sleep or talk to anyone. All i’m doing is just rotting in bed either on my phone to distract myself from what happened or going to work/school to distract myself or just thinking about what went wrong. Was it my fault? Why did you do it? What was your last thought? did I not show you how much I loved you-enough? I know that I’m your little sister, like we are only 6 years apart, but I just wish you could have told me what was going on, and what you were going through cause I would have done anything to help you. I just started grade 12 and I’m genuinely so confused, so stressed and I’m not sure what I’m doing. I just started the semester and I’m just passing my classes which I hate, cause you know, i’m a A student and never in these 3 years have I ever gotten below an A. Plus it’s also the university application year, so that whole thing is really stressing me out but hopefully I figure it out and get into a good university. I also got my G2, so hopefully you’re proud of me… but…life…sucks, and I felt like it was just yesterday that it happened and I can’t seem to move on.  I’m not gonna lie, I’m not ready for the present or the future, I’m stressed and I just wish you were here and I’m just stuck here, taking care of our little siblings that I can’t really share my feelings to cause they don’t know what happened and literally no one has a bond like us, and all my life I genuinely thought you were gonna be here, that we’d travel, hang out, get old together and do so much more. And now…I’m just scared that you’re not here. And I hate that I’m now the oldest and I don’t know what I’m doing.

Why?

Guest Post
Dear Brent,
Your service is tomorrow. We already have the death certificate and your ashes. So many unanswered questions. What drove you to do this? What was the last straw? I’m mad and sad and just sit here with so many unanswered questions.

Love you bro,
Your little (but taller) bro

Farewell, Sissy

Letters

Dear Sissy,

I know I never called you Sissy in life but it always comes to mind when I think of you now. I miss you so much. I can’t believe you’re gone.

When our brother called to tell me, I thought for sure there was some mistake, that maybe they had the wrong person…but I guess they didn’t, because it’s been three months and I haven’t heard from you. And I know they know their work, so they’re right, but I want so much for it not to be true.

I’m supposed to write your obituary but I can’t yet. I’ve written one before, so it shouldn’t be so hard, but our grandma was old and I understood losing her. If I write your obituary, I have to admit that you’re really gone, and I’m not ready yet. I’m still here talking to you.

I wanted to know you more. We tried really hard but living a thousand miles apart our whole lives made it hard. I appreciated your encouragement and how you thought I was great, even when others didn’t see it.

The last time I left, I didn’t know it would be the last time I saw you, but maybe the universe was telling me, because it was so hard to leave – it physically hurt. It felt like home with you and my brother, but I had to come back to this home because my children were here and they needed me. It was like I couldn’t possibly have both my homes together and I had to give one up.

I find a little comfort thinking you probably didn’t do it because you were in intense pain, like my special friend who left just after you. You were on a mission, and maybe it worked? What do I know? But I still miss you so much.

Did you know we never got a picture with the five of us together? I was thinking it in the month before you left. I couldn’t think of a way we could all be close enough to get one, and now we never can.

I’m sad that I have to be here without you. I know I still have work to do, but it’s so much harder without you here believing in me, cheering me on. I try to remember your voice but it’s fading. I miss you so much, My Sissy.

RT

Remembering Amy

Guest Post
On July 19, 2025 at 8pm I FaceTimed my sister to ask to borrow her car the next day to check up on some employees incognito, she said she couldn’t let me because she was going to church in the morning. I found that strange and even questioned her on it because she rarely goes to church and has never gone alone. She answered all my concerned questions and then got quiet. I asked her what was going on, why she wasnt talking and she shrugged her shoulders and I got annoyed and said fine I wont call you then, she stopped me from hanging up and just kinda said sorry I said no worries ill let you go and then thats where my world shatters… I said I love you and she said I love you too and we both paused for a minute and I saw something was off in her eyes, I didnt know what but I could sense it and Ill hate myself for ever for not going over there.
At midnight she left her house and 4 hours later she text 911 she was going to end it and where they could find her body, so that we didnt. She had left behind a 6 page letter and no answers. Its been 25 days and the guilt and the what ifs are keeping me from being able to breathe most days. There weren’t any signs ever until that last call and I just thought ill talk to her tomorrow when shes ready to tell me what’s wrong. Ill never get that talk and the look in her eyes will haunt me for the rest of my life. She wasnt just my baby sister, she was my best friend and we were all we had growing up. Im so lost without her

Without You, My Brother, My Soulmate, My Best Friend

Guest Post
My older brother took his own life on October of last year. He had been struggling for years and had had other attempts before so it was something I always knew deep down would come one day. Even just a couple days before, I spoke to my sister about how he was doing (they had a difficult relationship and sometimes would not speak to each other but he and I have always been extremely close) and I confessed that I believed that he might do it soon. I told her that either he’d make a big change in his life and do better or he’d finally do it and there wasn’t much we could do about it. Just a couple days after that, his ex girlfriend (they had broken up a week before but still lived together) called me at midnight and told me she found him.
The absence of my brother looms heavy within me. It’s a weight I carry every single day. He was my everything. Ever since I can remember, he was my favorite person. My sister and I would get into fights constantly but my brother and I were always close. He is the foundation of who I am today, he taught me about music, movies, art, life. I always felt a close connection to him. We understood each other all the darkness and all the love we shared was so special and unique. Sometimes it’s hard to be around my sister or mother because I know I remind them of him. I remind myself of him too, not just physically but also just the way we speak, the way we think. I miss him more than anything. Thanks to therapy, and the right meds I have been doing really well and feel very confident in myself and my future for the first time in my life but I can’t help but feel guilty sometimes. I wish he had gotten the help I have but I wouldn’t have gotten this if it wasn’t for what he did. It made my family wake up and unpack everything that was so deeply wrong. I wish that he didn’t have to do that for them to wake up. I wish I could share this version of myself with him. I just wish I could talk with him at least once more.