One year ago

My brother passed away about a year ago from a self inflicted gunshot wound. My last interaction with him was about a month before he died and I was mean. I could tell something was off with him. He was drinking way more than usual and was smoking a lot. I gave him crap for it and was genuinely made at him. I left without saying goodbye or telling him I loved him. I was so mad I didn’t even reach out to him the month leading up to his death. I know there isn’t a point in dwelling on something I cannot change now, but for the past year I have gone over everything in my head and I just hope he knew that I loved him. He was always there for me and I couldn’t be there for him. He was my big brother and one of the most important people in my life. He was kind and smart and loving and simply an amazing person. I don’t know if this will ever get easier but I hope I can live a life he would have wanted me to live.