When I was 14 I lost my big brother. That same year my mom had Breast Cancer. My mother and my younger sister/ Best friend, Emily found my brother hanging in a lot behind my neighbors house. I was at a church camp when I found out and I decided to stay at the camp, for god knows why. It was the hardest time of my life, and it continues to be. I constantly feel like I let my younger sister down by living her by herself. After that day my older sister, Olivia let Emily come spend the night at her house. I just feel like I let her down and it kills me to think about it. Before David died I really didn’t like him, he was 13 years older than me if you can imagine we didn’t have much in common. He had a personality disorder and he was Bipolar, and he fell into drug use but then got off of the drugs. He moved in with us to be close to my Mother because she had cancer. We like to call her cancer a blessing because he got to spend his last 6 months with us. Some days are so hard because I feel like no one understands what I have gone through. My pain will never go away. I’m graduating from high school this next school year and i’m absolutely terrified. I can’t imagine me walking across the stage and not having my brother shouting for me. The last couple months of his life, I finally started seeing him as my big brother that loved me. I remember I was crying and so frustrated cleaning my room, he came in to help me and it was the nicest thing he had ever done to me. I still sit in the same spot on my floor that he sat to help me. I still remember laughing with him. It’s haunting. I feel bad that I haven’t been to his grave but I haven’t been ready. I don’t want to see him in the ground with just a stone saying who he was. That stone was not who he was. He was the most loving and caring man I had ever met. Does anyone else relate to that? Well, I think that is enough for one night. I will probably add more of these posts later on. I feel like a weight is off of me. Thanks for listening.
– Ashley