My sister hung herself and left notes. She was younger than me. That raises some heads because some people think that the older one usually feels suicidal. I was suicidal before, but wasn’t serious. She was serious.
QUESTION:
Do some of you feel destructive or more irritated or annoyed by people, such as your significant other or your parents? I blew up a few times, and had violent dreams of beating up my dad.
Do some of you notice a physical difference in experiencing the outside world? I’m more sensitive to sound now, weird.
Do some of you notice how fake someone is after the death? I was friends with people who didn’t even check up on me, or shoot me a text.
And then there were people who just came out of nowhere saying that they were here for me but they never were there for me before.
My sister suffered from depression. She hung herself with a belt and a rope with a knot on the end of the rope to hold herself on the top of the door. She succeeded, and probably did research. I sometimes think she did what she needed to do. I sometimes think that she was brave. I couldn’t have done that. She was brave enough to take that leap.
I was the first to know the death of my sister because my parents were out of the country. I had to wait to tell the news.
We go through some things in life but never have I ever thought of going through this. It makes me sad how I’m even on this site.
Yes, all off those feelings are normal. I am a calm person and I had outbursts and violent dreams too. For me, physical effects wore off in about 8-9 months. But the psychological and emotional wounds are still there. Softening, but aching. People don’t know how to deal with death and certainly not suicide. I used to have the closest of friendships with three women and I often feel very distant and isolated now. But there is still beauty in life. We learned a painful truth that nothing in this world is permanent. Not the joy, not the pain. They all come in waves. Learning to pick yourself up after losing a sibling feels impossible but we do it whether we want to or not. I wish you all the best.
Thank you for your words
Anger and feel “on edge” is one of the signs of depression. I learned that after feeling like I was going through post partum and then dealing with my bro’s death after Xmas. Getting help earlier and admitting you need help with prevent it from getting worse. Plus, the grieving comes in waves. It never really ends. You just learn how you grieve and what to do. I have days where I need to be alone, read, talk to him and cry for a couple of days.
I personally feel like a complete idiot for how happy and light-heartedly I had been before my little sister hung herself. I’ve had so many friends that now seem fake. I’ve done so many stupid frivolous things that meant nothing in comparison to the new truth of my new world. I’ve cared about relationships, and girls and friends, that now in retrospect i see as a complete waste of time. New people i meet and even old friends are now in my mind as vapid and fluid and banal as a sh**** tv show. Like new people are 100x’s worse than watching an infomercial on a leaf blower. Probably the definition of jaded. There’s almost nothing that truly intrigues me about people anymore. Now I don’t know half of the names of the people who I work with at a job that I’ve worked at for over a year. I started there a month or so after she died. These are people I see everyday. I actually speak to many of them daily. To say i keep people an arms length away is understating it by alot. It’s not just that I’m now annoyed by people or that I’m now not interested in friends anymore. It is that nobody means anything anymore. I respect your post and it’s something that obviously struck a chord with me, so I was trying to just respond in a relative way. I’m sorry for what happened to you.
Also about how you were the first to know and also the violent dreams/thoughts and the sensitivity part of what you said describes cornestones of my uniqe experience, which is kinda weird. I hate that I’m on this site also. I googled “my little sister hung herself”… Great. I’m sorry if i have said too much. Your post actually made me feel less weird, so thank you.
I understand what your feeling too and I get very strange dreams and feel like I tolerate things less than normally would. It felt strange googling too the same thing, feels so raw and saying it to people is just confirming it and hard. I go through waves of being ok and then it just hits me and I have a couple of days of memories and questions running through my head and why I couldn’t be there more for her. My sister did it a week before u got married an I had to trail through getting married when I felt ill and just devastated but my mum and Dad pulled me through and pushed me to still go ahead with it. It’s hard seeing people, it’s hard not hearing from people who ho u wouldn’t expect to have and it’s also hard hearing from people during the times you just don’t want to talk about it because u know they are going to ask the question. I hate it because people don’t know what it feels like unless they have basically been through the same thing. My dad also did it when I was young so to have that andanahe to get over it eventually it’s like I have to go through the steps again and I swear it doesn’t feel any easier and I don’t feel stronger about it. I think I hav Rome genuine friend who has been amazing and been there form the beginning and she knew my sister too but there are a lot of people who I just don’t hear from. I just can’t get over it and even tried to go on holiday but it was somewhere I had been before with my sister and it just hurt.
That was one thing I absolutely hated after my sister hung herself — people I hadn’t talked to in 8 or 10 years were sending me texts and Facebook messages telling me if I needed to talk or needed anything at all, they were there for me. It felt gross and slimy, like they were taking an opportunity to boost their own self-esteem and make it about themselves by playing good Samaritan, knowing they wouldn’t actually have to deliver on any of those empty promises. It was weird and awkward and made me angry.