I was 18th, about to start college, when I heard a violent knock on my door; the police asking for a body found on the bottom floor. I was naively watching the office on my room while my older brother jumped from our 9th floor balcony. It was the most devasting and shocking day of my life. The last contact we had was a discussion. We had a terrible relationship; he was a very violent and toxic person to live with. He was a bipolar ezquizofrenic, recently diagnosed at the time, although he had been manifesting the character for almost his entire life, especially since he became adolescent. Our family life was very toxic first due to our father and later because of him. He made me very anxious, he made me feel unworthy, he had almost no boundaries. I was very mad and afraid of him at the same time.
Tonight, my mother asked me once again, to forgive him, and I just get even madder at him. After he died I experienced ptsd typical symptoms and been struggling with self esteem and self distructive thoguhts, depression and so on. Although I managed to move on with my life on some aspects, there is a thick black cloud following me around, not let me know if I miss him, If what hurts is what he did pr that he is not longer here. Confusion big time.
How do you cope with a lost of an older brother to suicide which relationship was extremely toxic?
I’ve been talking about this in therapy for years but it’s the first time I reach out for help online.