It’s a weird thing to say, huh? Hey. Like you never even left. I must tell you, that you made yourself die, but you left me here dead. I think I’m part alive part dead since you’re gone and I don’t know how to heal. I’m so hurt, and so HOLLOW, I don’t even know if I have anything left in me. Some days are okay, and some are awful. I don’t know how to cope with it, how to handle it, how to calm down, nothing. I’m so angry, but so sad at the same time that it makes the appearance that I don’t care. I think our mother is angry because I haven’t been at your grave for months I think. I hope you are not angry, but I just can’t go. People would think that since your suicide is a year and a half ago, things would be better now, but they’re not. NOT A LITTLE BETTER. Sometimes worse I think. And I’m angry and I’m disappointed and sad and horrified and scared and empty and depressive and hollow. Just hollow. I know it’s not okay, but I can’t help it. I don’t know how to help myself and no one else helps me. You see, you left, and my mother, our mother, is left without a son. And she is heart broken. But I…I sometimes have the feeling that I lost a brother and a mother. I know she is trying her best, but things are just not working. How could you break our hearts like that? I know I judge you too much, but what are you expecting? You, who are my older brother, who should protect me my whole life, who should spent the most of time in my life with me, left me, and broke my heart the most from all the people that ever broke my heart. And I’m angry because I know that I could have helped you. We all could. You left a group of people who admire you behind you, and we all could have helped.
People say that they feel their near dead ones with them, that they feel that they are present and that they are watching over you. I don’t feel that. Where are you? You said you loved me, yet….I don’t feel you. Or maybe I don’t let you near? Because I’m too angry and I can’t forgive you.
No one ever asks me how I’m doing, you know. Everyone says ”How’s your mother? Take good care of her, she’s hurting now, having a hard time.” Of course I will take care of her, because my broken heart doesn’t matter. I’m just your sister, right? I can’t be that hurt, right? But I am. I am broken and I am torn to pieces. I’m a shadow of what once used to be a human and guess what? No one even cares, because I’m just your sister.
It saddens me how similar or feelings are. My brother took his life 5 years ago to the day. He did not leave me alone as I have two other sisters, but he was my best friend, my everything. I completely understand that hollow feeling you have. It is we if we are still living but yet completely dead on the inside. Nothing matters to me anymore, but at the same time I feel like I have to be twice the person I would have been. I have to live for him and for me. I have to do something amazing with my life to make up for his. But how do you do that when ou are empty inside? Nothing matters to me. I have no emotions for other people. I just don’t care.
You are so right. No one has ever asked how I can doing or dealing with this. All anyone cares about is how is my mom handling this. Are you taking care of her? Are we making sure she is ok? Well what about me? I’m not ok. No one is taking care of me. Can’t one person ask how I am? I get it, I am only the sister, but I was the one who took care of him when he was sad and I was the one who was there for him when he needed someone. I get it, I dropped the ball and was not there for him at the last hour or seconds of his life, but don’t I matter?
I sometimes think my heart died when my brother died. It just shriveled up and now I am just a hollow shell. What now? It has been five years and the only thing that has gotten easier is living with this constant pain.
Marrissa, I totally understand you. I hope your two older sisters are any kind of a support to you, since I know from the first hand that parents in that kind of a situationt sometimes can’t be supportive parents anymore, because it’s to hard for them to. You know, comments like this, like yours always help me a lot. Even though I’m sad that people like you have to go through the same thnig as I am, because I know how hard it is and I never ever want anyone to experience this, yet I feel comfort when I know I’m not alone. Sometimes when I feel down I go to this site and read all of the letters and comments all over again because it helps. You know, even my friends don’t ask me how I’m doing with this. We hang out daily and in this year and a half none has ever asked me how I’m doing, how I’m coping. It was just yesterday that one of my best friends again asked me ”how’s your mother doing?” Marrissa, I swear if one more person is going to ask me how’s my mother doing I’m going to explode, or punch them in the face or just walk away or something. I’m sure it sounds harsh, but seriously…who am I? Oh right, just a sister, yes…that’s what they probably think.
I also totally understand that you feel like your heart died with him, I can relate to that. And like you said, the sadness never fades away, never leaves, never dissapears…it only gets easier to live with the pain…
Marrissa I’m not gonna be like others, because I know how it is. I’m not gonna ask you how’s your mother doing, I’m gonna ask you how YOU are doing. Because YOU MATTER TOO. WE DO. If you ever need to talk to someone who understands, someone who’s gonna ask you how you are doing, how you are coping, and if you ever feel really down and you need to talk to someone, feel free to contact me and I’m always here, ready to talk to you, because I know how it feels like and it’s never nice to feel alone. I care, and I’m always here if you need anything.
Lots of love and strength to you. 🙂