I wish you’d rip open the letter like you would rip open the wrapping on your christmas presents when you were little. I wish I could watch you read it and I wish I could see a smile on your face as you read it silently.
You were always so protective of my feelings. You guarded them like it was the most special thing in the world to you. I couldn’t be sad without you being there for me and helping me feel better in every way. You stuck up for me like no one else when you didn’t even have to. You were my little sister.
I keep thinking back to just 8 months ago when we were in the back of the car on the way to the cliff in Greece. I was annoyed beyond recovery and you waited until everyone got out of the car and then looked over at me and asked me if i wanted a hug before getting out of the car. You gave me the nicest and most affectionate hug that i had felt from you in years- it almost put me to tears.. and then you said something to me, i forgot what you said and that makes me sad. Little did i know that i was about to get engaged. You were the only one that was in on it and you wanted me to go out there with a good head on my shoulders.
I was so lucky to have you. I needed you and now I need you more than ever. I have been through hell and back without you these last few months and it makes me so ragingly mad at you. The fact that you’d leave me here is so mean. You abandoned me.
Every time I start to get mad at you I immediately think about your body in the coffin and that should have been the worst pain i’ve ever felt when in reality, I have spent every day in pain which compiles and overrides the pain that i felt that day. I think of your eyes and mouth glued shut and I can still feel your freezing cold hands. I still hear our brother sobbing telling mom, papa and I “she’s so cold” while shivering himself in a hot room.
Sometimes things get so painful to think about that I can’t even cry anymore. I just sit and stare.
The weirdest part about all of this is that you were scared of everything. Even as a baby, you didn’t want to be held by anyone you didn’t know. You were always scared of fireworks but you became more and more scared of the world as you grew up. All of a sudden you became scared of the suns rays, public places, the ocean.. I could go on. You only made it to 15. Would it have become worse? Or would you have conquered your fears?
I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I miss you. Oh my god I miss you. There has not been a day where your memory doesn’t make me lose my mind. I wish I could shake you and slap you and tell you that your life doesn’t have to feel like this- it will get better. Our brother and I told you that. We told you that over and over and you let us think that we got to you- that you believed us. You lied. You lied and told me that you’d be there for me forever.
Kiara. I want to live a beautiful life. I want you to help me live a beautiful life. I don’t want to feel like this anymore yet every day feels worse. I need your help from heaven.
I wish I had died instead of you.
Your sister who will adore you until the day I die,
Zoë