Between each heartbeat I think of you.
You were the first real person I loved outside of our parents.
I thought you would be here forever. Long after I’d gone. I never contemplated you going. Now you’re gone. Before mom and dad. Before aunts and uncles. Before me.
I don’t want to be here without you. I don’t want to have to mourn our parents without you. We were supposed to help each other through that.
It feels as though I’ve lost a part of myself. When you were alive I knew (I just knew) there was a piece of me that was out there in you. Now there’s just a hole.
You are gone. You are not gone. I feel like I’m living two realities. I feel as though I’m reaching for something I will never find. I’m trying to grasp something that isn’t there.
My dear little brother. I know you’re at peace now, but the peace brought by that realization is so fleeting.
I miss you. I love you.
To fellow sibling,
I can relate to some of the things you posted. I too lost my brother, 9th yr anniversary coming on 31st of May. You say ” before me”, though if you were gone before your brother, then he too would have this sadness and never ending grief. And most of all not be together. I myself often have those thoughts, I can be anywhere at anytime and it comes to my mind. It’s passive ideation. It’s hard to write a response to someone when there are no answers.
So I’m sending you (( hugs))
Esther
Thank you for your kind words
You posted this on the day my twin sis took her life. You said it perfectly, living in two realities and searching for something you will never find. So sorry for your pain…It’s heart wrenching to believe we are a part of this group. I hope the pain has eased some for you. Big hugs and love!