I’m writing this January 29, 2020 a little over 2 years ago. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was a freshman, now a junior in high school. I was already having a rough day at school and something was giving me bad vibes. My mom went to work at 6 am and I didn’t wake up until 7 am. It started off a typical Monday except I went to school with the intentions of asking my mom after school if we could go see my brother the following weekend. My brother lived with my grandpa at the time. I got off school and went to walk to my grandmas like I do every day after school. At this time I had a phone but it wasn’t turned on. I guess my mom tried calling me but obviously I didn’t get the calls. She also asked the school to tell me she was picking me up from the school that day. So I walk across the street to wait with my friend until her mom got there as I did every day. I tried connecting to the WiFi nearby and I ended up connecting and as soon as my phone connected it started blowing up with calls of my my and messages of her asking where I was. I told her I was at the gas station across the street from my school and she told me she’s on her way now. She pulls up and as soon as I get in the car the whole atmosphere changed. It was just all sad vibes all around. I could tell my mom had been crying. That wasn’t even the first thing that was weird to me at the time. My moms best friend was with her and she didn’t say a word the whole time we were in the car which is highly unusual for her. I’m cracking jokes trying to lighten the mood because I had no idea why everybody was so quiet. So we drive down the street to my grandmas house and as we pull up I see my dad and my little sisters getting out of my dads car. Which was extremely weird because my dad and my mom don’t get along at all and neither do my dad and my grandma. I also noticed a whole bunch of my family members outside which was weird and I just thought maybe we were having a little get together. Me and my sisters were about to go inside and eat and settle down but all of a sudden we hear our dad say “girls don’t go in there yet come here sit down we need to talk” my initial thoughts were “oh I’m probably in trouble what did I do let me think of what I could’ve done” but no. Everybody’s eyes were on me and my sisters. Then all we hear is my dad say “he’s gone” and me and my sisters looked at each other confused. Then he said “your brother is gone” my head immediately hit my lap and I felt a strong turning in my stomach. I remember I didn’t go to school for a week and a half and people thought I dropped out. After my brother passed I hated everything he loved because it just brought back memories and feelings I didn’t want to feel. I had no motivation for school .No motivation for sports. Not even enough motivation or energy to shower or even get out of bed. I would have bad anxiety attacks out of nowhere I’d have breakdowns at least once a week. My brother had 2 birds that we took on after he passed. One night I was sleeping and I thought I heard something but obviously I thought it was in my dream. But I wake up and look over and I swore I seen my brother standing there holding one of his birds on his shoulder smiling at me and saying “let it be” which was his favorite song.

Damian, I miss you every day. I miss your awkward laugh and unnatural dimple. I miss arguing with you about who would get to control the TV. I miss your alligator tears that would show like magic after taking a few bites of your food. I would have never imagined just one day no longer being able to see that. I always pictured myself passing before most of the family, but especially you and April. It’s unnatural to experience the passing of those younger than you, which is what makes it that much harder to bear with. On top of this, I find it so difficult to wrap my head around the decision you made to end your life. Not a single one of us would have ever thought you were capable of willingly leaving everyone behind like you did. I still find myself getting angry with you sometimes because of the pain that I experience, but I want you to understand that it’s not you – it’s solely your actions.
You were a blessing in everyone’s life and you took that from all of us when you left. I wish you would have vocalized your pain – we are all here for you. We miss you. I can’t get over the pain of missing you, although I find myself begging for it everyday.
I’ll never forget us sitting in my room talking about God and how I refused to accept this idea of God knowing that he chose everyday to bring pain on the lives of people across the world. I replay that conversation over and over and over again just thinking about how annoyed you probably are with me now being a believer, but only after you’ve already passed. I know you’d make fun of me, but better late than never, right?
Damian, you changed the worlds of all those that were fortunate enough with your presence. As your older brother, I felt an almost parental-like responsibility for your well-being. You know we love you, that we care for you. I’ll never know why and I’ll never get over that, but I want you to know I still love you through everything. I never realized how much we all seriously needed each other until your passing. I think about you everyday and I know that it won’t ever change. I am so glad your pain is over. I know you’re resting with Him and appreciating all that life had to offer you in all your 16 years. Brother, please continue to watch over me and the rest of the family. I love you.

Dear Big Brother,
As of June 4 2020 I am now 19, the age you were when you took your life. Some days I feel on top of the world and others I beg to join you, but I refuse to because now is not the time. There are still songs I haven’t heard and ice cream flavors I’ve never tried. There are still sunsets that paint the skies orange and mountains I have yet to climb. Every few nights I still hear mom crying softly from her room and your empty chair at the dinner table still sends a stab of pain through me every time I sit down. But with pride I tell you that I am a new man, and I refuse to let my grief bring me down. I’ve learned to bottle my grief and anger and let it explode into ambition, and I have never been better. Not a day goes by where haven’t begged you to come home, but I have finally, finally accepted the fact that you are where you’re supposed to be. I love you with all of my heart Mckellar. I’ll take the wheel from here.

Kate,
It’s been two years today since you took your own life, and there hasn’t been a day that’s gone by where I haven’t thought of you.
Mom and Dad went to your grave today, but I couldn’t make it because of some work stuff, but will be going on Wednesday.
Last night I was thinking about the past two years, and was trying to figure out where I am in the grieving process, and realized I just don’t know, because I haven’t taken the time to grieve. I don’t mean this in a bad way, but I’ve been trying to make sure mom and dad are okay, and I guess in the process haven’t really sat down and thought about how much this has impacted me.
I realized that I honestly haven’t had a good laugh, or truly been happy since you passed, and you know how much I used to joke and laugh.
I just seem to have lost simple things, like laughter and joking, and some larger things like the enthusiasm of going to work, spending time with Jennifer etc.
No, I’m not depressed, and would never think of taking my own life, but I lost a lot of my character the day you died.
I still often wonder what your last thoughts were, and If you had second thoughts. I wonder if you thought about mom, dad and me, and how this would impact us.
I guess it doesn’t matter now, but I miss you every day and if I could somehow go back in time, knowing what I now know, I’d definitely have made more of an effort to talk to you. The saddest thing is that none of us knew, because there were no signs. We knew you’d gone off your meds, and that things had changed, but we never knew what you were planning.
Anyway, I know you’re in heaven and can see us every day, so I know you see how much we love you.
Miss you, your brother.

My brother was 15 years older than me, I was told that when I was born he was going through a rough patch in life with mental illness and addiction but as soon as he saw me his life changed. He instantly changed for the better and did what big brothers do; protect and love. I remember all the times he babysat me and we would laugh about stupid stuff and play video games like guitar hero and super mario bros. He was a movie lover and a hard worker and had the most caring brown eyes. All he ever wanted to do was protect me and teach me new things in life. He was the first person to teach me how to shoot a bb gun and how to make the perfect bonfire. I never never saw pain in his eyes, he just seemed tired and irritable which I thought was due to him working night shifts. When I was 13 though, he took his own life. He had called my step dad during the night and told him he was sorry. The next morning he was gone and it didnt feel real. I wish I would have spent more time with him but it wasn’t like a normal sibling bond. He lived on his own and had a job while I was attending middle school. I wish I could have shared more memories with him. I dont talk about it much as I try to be strong and 5 years have passed but it still breaks my heart. He always told me when I was older and more mature I could watch his favorite movies with him, but now that time will never come. Brother I wish you could see how much I have changed and all my recent accomplishments. I miss you so much.

James I love you so much..
I think about you everyday. Some days are harder than others. I feel so lonely in this house without you.. I miss hearing you talk to chulo.. I miss hearing you laugh at the spongebob episode you’re watching.. I miss hearing you play your little guitar before bed.. it’s been over a year now and I still can’t believe you’re not physically here with us anymore. You will always be in my heart as my big brother, my guardian angel and my hero. I’m not afraid of death as I was before because I know I have you up there and you’ll be waiting for me and the rest of the family to join you in heaven.
Love, mita

Dear Kate,
It was your birthday yesterday and about 18 months since we lost you.
Mom, dad, Jennifer and I went out to visit your grave. It’s a bit of a drive, but very picturesque, and gave me a lot of time to think about you on the way there.
I still feel so sad, and still feel some guilt for losing you, mainly for the fact that I sometimes didn’t return your texts or emails, though of course I know now that you’d been planning it for many months.
Anyway, I miss you every day and wish you were still here. Mom and dad are doing okay, but obviously are still deeply saddened, so I’m doing my best to spend as much time as I can with them.
I miss you Kate, and miss all the good times we had together, and those are the times I try to think about to get me through.
Love you.