I still think about May 23rd every day and the shock and horror i felt on that day have turned into sadness, regret, and often anger. I dont know why you did what you did really, its hard to understand but at the same time i can relate to not wanting to be in this world anymore. Im so sorry i didnt realize what you were going through, I didnt see any signs, none of us did. I hate to put the blame on anyone but maybe we just werent paying enough attention when you were trying to reach out. Im so sorry i wasnt there for you. We all are. And id like to think if you could change what happened you would, and you would be here with us. But i have to accept that you are gone and just hope that you are happy and safe now. I still think about the pain you must have felt, how scared you were to disappoint mom and dad over such a little thing. They are so proud of u

I love you Spencer. Since May 2nd I haven’t ever slept a whole night, and my friends think I look tired and don’t function right because I am busy with sports and school ( I ran in state track for you, even though it was hard). I don’t have enough strength to tell them and I’m not positive I should.
I wish mom knew that I was going through the same thing, everyone worries about her the most. They don’t realize that I lost a brother, partner in crime, friends, and most importantly: a chunk of my heart. Mom says she has a hard time but she forgets about me, she says “My life is hard enough right now, and I don’t need it any harder”. She says it like I didn’t go through the same thing. Nobody asks if I am sleeping well because they know mom is on medications for everything. I wish you didn’t leave us, you make everything better. You thought of me, even when all the attention was on something else. I miss you, I love you. I just want my big brother back. Love, Your little sister

Kendralynn,

Why?! I don’t understand how or why you would leave us like you did. My heart breaks daily, reliving that night over and over. There are so many sources of help you could have reached out to. So many resources that you knew existed! Instead you chose to leave. You left everyone! We all love you and tried so many times to get you the help you needed. We tried so many times, so many different ways! Didn’t you see that? Didn’t you care about the ones you were leaving behind? I don’t understand! I miss you so much! I try so hard to come to the fact that I will never see your face again, or give you a hug and tell you I love you. My memories drift to us growing up prior to all your struggles. When we were young and carefree, playing, laughing, being happy. I would do anything for just one more day with you. Please Ken look down on us and help us! We just don’t understand, the hurt is overwhelming. Please help us!

I love you with all my heart and sole! Forever your baby sister,

Karissa

Corey,
It’s kind of ironic that I am now writing you a letter 4 months after you left your last. You explained everything, yet left no options for response or retort.

You abandoned me when you promised me you would never leave me alone in this world. You were my best friend and you threw that all away because you wouldn’t see passed your own pain. My entire world has been shattered and it will never be whole again! I hate that I can’t tell you any of this and I’m left to ponder what kind of responses you would have and how you would make me laugh for being so hurt.
I can’t believe you thought this was something that we would all accept and move on from. I can’t. I’m trying to, but every quiet moment I see you laying in your truck. I see you running around our parents’ home, making your stupid preparations, and how you were so freaking careful to make sure that you didn’t leave any painful evidence behind. Which made the pain of walking into that house all that more palpable.
I wanted a justification to me about why I needed to have this void in my life, instead all you could do was write about how the world would be a better place without you. You were never evil. I’m tired of dwelling on you and the pain you were in, but I can’t seem to let it go. I don’t want to be angry with you because if I go there I’ll never forgive you.

You were my best friend, the person who knew me better than anyone. I cherished our relationship. I finally had a big brother and you left me alone. You couldn’t be honest with me, and you were always honest with me. Now I’m left with a brother who could care less what’s going on in my world, and a sister that doesn’t really know I exist beyond what she needs out of me. I’m alone with no hope of having a friend as a sibling.
Every day, since the day I was born, you were there. Always there. And now you’re not, and you made that choice. To leave me. You chose that I was nothing. I had no importance. You Abandoned me. I think of your precious daughter all the time, and what her life will be without you. It’s not better. It’s not ok.

I keep calling your friends and fixating on the time in our life when we were living together. Somehow it makes me feel like there’s a piece of you that I’m getting back. Which is SOOO stupid. I actually considered trying to get into our old apartment and just sit in it. I want to feel you around me, but I don’t. It’s like I’m just nothing, nor was I ever. I hate this, and I love you!

My entire soul aches just to be in your presence. We don’t have to talk, we don’t have to touch. Just knowing you are there is all I need. I’ll never get that again and it sucks.

I love you with every fiber of my being. I’ll miss you forever!

Your loving and desperate sister
Carrie

December 10, 2015. You took a bottle of sleeping pills and never woke up. I remember hearing my mom screaming from the emergency room when they said you were gone as I stood outside and dropped to the ground. It felt like the world had stopped and shattered into a million pieces. You were so tired weren’t you? So tired from fighting your depression and anxiety and eating disorders and body dysmorphia. You wanted to get better so badly and I hoped that one day you would be able to overcome it all. You were only 15, so young and so beautiful. You were too good for this cruel world and my life will never be the same without you. I miss you so much and I still feel like you’re coming back and this is all a bad dream. Mom and dad miss you so much it hurts me to see how broken they are without you. I try to keep telling myself that you’re happy and you’re finally the person you were always meant to be. I look forward to the day I get to hold you again and hear your laugh. I will always love you and I will live for you and be strong for you.

Until next time, my angel.

Dear James, Hey big brother. Words have nevee been able to express the feelings your loss has brought. In some ways it destroyed me and in other ways it made me stronger. On June 12, 2005 I left my phone in the other room and they had to come banging on gwens door to find me to tell me the new, i will never forget that moment, how my heart dropped. I also cant sleep with out my phone next to me now in fear that something bad will happen and i will be too late. I had sent you a message that night saying “i love you jimmy pop” i dont even know if you ever got it. I have always hoped you did not cause thinking you saw it and still followed through would only destroy me more. June 13th is my birthday that year i spent it with loved ones and friends but not doing something fun, we made arraingments for your cremation, not how i planned at all. Almost 11 years have passed and you took those years from me. I pray you see the woman i have become, i pray you are proud of me, i pray you and mom are together. I love you jimmy pop

Evan,
I wish it was 16 months ago, I would have a chance to do things right. i guess I had years though…could have at least made a concerted effort, tried. Self absorption. I’m sure I cant imagine what you went through, and the alienation you must have felt. I am extremely angry at our parents, for many reasons. But I am way more angry at myself. Anyway, I dont want you to have to worry about any of us. Chris is the only innocent one of, if you must worry about someone, worry about him. fish, rest, meditate. I love you, punk.

Dear Chris,

It will be four years ago since you took your life this weekend…Mother’s Day. (Did you really have to do it on Mother’s Day?) I think about you every day…some days more than others. But not a day passes when I don’t experience waves of sadness, anger, and regret when I think of you. Today is an angry day.

You were sick for as long as I knew you. You were an angry, hateful, narcissist. I don’t know what made you that way. Genetics played a role, I know, but the alcohol and drugs you sought as self-medication made it so much worse. Didn’t you see that?

You abused me since the day I was born. Why? What did I do? Why did you hate me? How can you hate a baby? I know there’s no rational answer to these questions. I know that your anger and hatred toward me was unwarranted. It was about you, not me. That doesn’t make it hurt any less, though.
Even though you hated me, I loved you. You were my big sister, my role model, my idol. Do you know what it’s like to be abused by someone you look up to like that? It shaped my reality and my self perception. I believed all of the awful things you would say about me. I believed that I was a fat, ugly person and that I was unlovable.

I was so happy to grow up so that I didn’t have to interact with you. I was so thankful and relieved to gain freedom as an adult so that I didn’t have to tolerate your abuse and your toxic influence on everyone around you. I created my own life without the negative influence you had always had on my world. My life isn’t perfect, but it is so much better without you in it. I’m so thankful that I’ll never have to sit through another Thanksgiving dinner and listen to your hateful words.

The day I chose to end our relationship was a gift. I don’t know what finally made me do it, but I finally summoned the strength to tell you that I didn’t want you in my life. I was honest with you. I told you that I didn’t like the person I was when I was with you. I told you that I was ashamed of how I reacted to all of your hateful words and actions. I didn’t regret that decision until the day I got the call.

I’m ashamed that I wasn’t a better person. Why couldn’t I keep an objective perspective and ignore the hurt? Why couldn’t I stand by the only person in the world that knew what my childhood was like? We were enemies, but we were also allies when we needed to be. You’re the only one that knew. You were sick, why did I abandon you?

I struggle with the confusion of regret, relief, anger, and sadness every day. I don’t believe that I could have changed the outcome, but I wish that you had fallen asleep knowing that I loved you. I hate that you felt so alone. I would have helped you if you had asked.

I want to believe that you’re in a better place. I don’t know what I believe, though. I know without a doubt that I’m happy that you’re no longer suffering. Every day was a battle for you, and it’s finally over. I hope that you’ve finally found peace, and I hope that someday I will, too.

Hey S,
I need help. I’ve been a mess since that day about three years ago, and to this day I am still haunted. I want to be on this Earth but I can’t let anyone in. I push the family away and I keep my friends just far enough so that I don’t have to open up. I’m scared that if I do open up to someone I will lose them. I’m only 14 and I feel as if I’m trapped in a glass box that I put myself into. I don’t hug those around me except for when I feel i should. No one knows I’ve been this scarred and I don’t know how to tell anyone. I just want to talk to you but I know you won’t respond. Every time I feel ready to open up I freeze. I miss you more than anything❤️

E

It’s been some time Chris, and while I think of you on occasion, I am sorry to say I don’t enough. Many out there say they think of a lost sibling every day, but I don’t. I do not say this out of a lack of love or caring for you but I am a “runner”. I have a hard time with my emotions so I think my brain shuts out certain things to protect itself. That said, when I do think of you I get very emotional. It’s a reaction of “shit, really, this sucks on so many dimensions”. Your life, your child, your support of mom and dad (until mom passed). All thrown away in a moment of passion. We are a lot alike at some level in terms of being passionate emotional beings that were confused at some level by the fundamental complexity and unfairness of life. I managed to escape into workaholism and escape alcohol being one area. I thank God that in the end we were on what I thought was very good terms. I had been arrogant and judgmental earlier in your life about your decisions and I have felt bad about that for a long time. That said, I think we really bonded later in life when I saw weakness and difficulty in my own existence and you helped me through it. As is often natural, I feel a lot of guilt over the fact that I delayed my trip to Montana to help you. We had spoken that prior week and I had to defer. I think that may have been a fix for the issues but who knows. In any event, I love you and miss you and we keep an eye on your boy. Fortunately we are on good terms with Travis and believe he genuinely loves that little guy and does a good job of raising him. It’s also encouraging that your friend (her name escapes me) is involved with Tristan. I know you had some questions about her capacity to do that but I think it is very positive. Hope all is well in your electrical existence in the universe that you so passionately studied in terms of meaning. I think you were really on to something. Love you forever and always…