Category Archives: Letters

To Chaos

Letters

Hey brother,

Today I am okay. It’s been 2 years & 10 months without you. Today I am okay. I’ve learned to feel your presence with me when I hear a new song, watch a funny movie, or meet a new friend. I still want to call you, but I know I can’t. Some days that gaping hole in my heart opens up and my eyes begin to flood; but today I am okay. Those new songs I hear that I know you would’ve loved I play them twice, and sing the lyrics you would’ve mimicked extra loud. Funny movies these days make me laugh twice as hard as I imagine sharing that moment with you in the room. Today I am okay. I eat hot Cheetos and Tostitos Pizzas when I’m missing you extra to feel closer with you. Today I am okay. It sucks when I am missing dad, I always want to call you, but end up missing you too; but today I am okay. There’s so many things in this world I want to share with you. I wish you would’ve knew that things would get better… I had to convince myself for so long that that was true for me too. Days change & I miss you always. Today I am okay. Last month maybe I wasn’t okay, next month who knows. Everyday is different, but today I am okay. I feel what I feel, and I feel each emotion so deeply. You changed my life forever and at every stage of life I am still affected by your absence; but today I am okay. I move differently because of you; numb is numb; and sensitivity is sensitivity. Sometimes my days are black and white, some days they are bright, and when I am missing you and lost myself, it’s all grey; but today I am okay. When you first passed and people said you’re at peace, I couldn’t understand! But today I am okay & think hey, maybe you are at peace. I find your birthday numbers often; they appear randomly. The time 3:25. Order numbers 325. Address to location I am going 325; my tips for the night 325, gas prices $3.25; license plates *325***. I know you’re with me. Keep making your presence known please, keep guiding me. Especially on days when I am not okay. XOXO FMC

For my little brother, John M.

Letters
It’s Queen. I’m so sorry. Im writing this letter in advance, it’s 26 June 2024. I’m sorry I left home when you were just about to turn 6 this August. It’s a miracle I made it to turn 19. Please reach out, don’t be too mad! I’ll be back one day, we can play again like old times. I love you and I miss you a lot. All the mean things they say about me aren’t true. I can explain everything.

Dear Gregory

Letters
My dear brother,It has been almost 5 months since you chose to end your life. Although I’m still alive, a part of me died when I found out you died. I’m trying to keep it together, but it takes so much work to simply do simple things that seemed so easy before you died. Small tasks take so much effort now that you’re gone. I cry almost daily and although the pain hasn’t gotten better, I have accepted the fact that I will never see you again. I wish you could have seen a 1 minute glimpse of all the pain and suffering you have left behind. If you had, I know you would never have killed your self. You were a great man; you wouldn’t want us to be feeling like this. Mom is devastated. Liam & Olivia need their daddy. We all miss you so much…we ache so much without you. Everything has changed; we will never be the same. You had my dream job of being a secret service special agent; I looked up to you so much, but I never told you that. I wish I had told you how brave I thought you were. I love and miss you so much. Please send us all strength from wherever you are.

I love you always,

Miriam

To K

Letters

K,

It’s been almost 9 years now. I’ve really been living by the whole “grief doesn’t shrink, life gets bigger around it” thing. I graduated college but my own mental health is still bad, even on meds so I’m still living with mom and unemployed at 26 :/.

I just don’t know where to go in life really. Everything makes me feel bad and reminds me of you and our trauma overall really. I’m just used to you being there to mark the path before me and without a big sister I have to face all of it alone with no example set for me. I’m older than the few friends I have and none of them struggle the way we both have so they don’t really get it. I’m trying to forge a path on my own but I still feel like a little kid, completely lost in the woods without you.

I haven’t given up on my art and have improved a lot since you saw it last but I still feel disappointed every time I finish a painting and you’re not there to see it. I listened to an album by a band you would’ve hated bc they’re my depressing indie music, but one line the singer wrote is “I don’t want to learn anything from this”. I feel that way every time I paint you or tell someone about losing you. I don’t want you to just be a story that makes people hold their family a little closer when they hear it.

We have a stepdad now and he’s actually really great. Just when I’d given up on having real loving parents, he came into my life. I just wish you’d been around to meet him and enjoy all of the changes that have happened. I guess I would enjoy them more too if you were there to enjoy them with me like you’re supposed to be. Above anything else I miss laughing with you at stupid memes and cuddling in your awful neon magenta bedroom and doing your makeup for Xmas eve.

I hope T is with you at least and that wherever you are, you both remember playing baseball in the field with the lightning bugs and wild strawberries until it was too dark to see the ball and mom called us for dinner. I dreamt you were together after she died.
You’re missing out on H too. He’s adorable and so silly. You would’ve loved playing together.

I just hope there’s an afterlife and I see you again. I don’t want to die lately but life just doesn’t excite me. Everything seems so boring and pointless when I’m facing a future without your smile. Anyway, I hope you still exist somewhere.

Love you sis,
G

Bye

Guest Post, Letters
I keep seeing you in my dreams. Sometimes I can see your face but other times you don’t have one. Why do you keep coming back? Is it to just torment me? I’m scared to sleep. I’m scared of seeing you again. Will you tell mom hi and that she doesn’t need to hate me anymore?

I still need my big brother. I see Lillian running around and chasing Ash and screaming at each other and all I think about is that I miss my bubba.

I’m done typing now.

Interesting

Letters
Seeking you somewhere there; absolutely anywhere. My dearest little brother there will never be another.
This life will go on. Hopeful of years to come with ultimate passing. Some point the memories will disappear how sad for you me and all we hold dear.

Interesting this fleeting life.
So much adventure, love and fight.
So I lie here one year waiting.
Waiting for an answer that will be ongoing… fading.

The anger it comes. The sadness it goes.
Frustrated at others frivolous woes.
Angry at me who struggles to see
There is so much more right in front of me

I’m sorry one year later for not going over
I knew better but struggled to find the courage to bolster. My dearest little brother there will never be another.

2 brothers who left

Letters
Dear J and S,
Your choices nearly killed me. Your children have suffered. I continue to explain your decisions. People are shocked that Mom and Dad raised two men-talented, established, wealthy, fathers, who left a legacy of suicide to our family. I am fighting the shame and embarrassment of what you did every day. I have my daily suicide tears. My life is forever changed. I am not you, I am a lonely sister who now has to grow old without you. The grief goes on and on. I go back to our happy times together never imagining that you both would — yourselves. I am a compassionate, kind, beautiful, and creative mother; that is how I am determined to define myself. Your mental illness was not treated. I did my best to help you but you didn’t listen to anyone. You left a mess for me to clean up, just like my entire life in our family. Mom and Dad did everything for you to be successful. I can’t imagine how they feel knowing that their sons — themselves. I hope you have found peace. I have not and never will. Your children’s lives are really messed up too. Your loving sister, D

For my baby sister, Kiara.

Guest Post, Letters
I wish you’d receive this.
I wish you’d rip open the letter like you would rip open the wrapping on your christmas presents when you were little. I wish I could watch you read it and I wish I could see a smile on your face as you read it silently.

You were always so protective of my feelings. You guarded them like it was the most special thing in the world to you. I couldn’t be sad without you being there for me and helping me feel better in every way. You stuck up for me like no one else when you didn’t even have to. You were my little sister.

I keep thinking back to just 8 months ago when we were in the back of the car on the way to the cliff in Greece. I was annoyed beyond recovery and you waited until everyone got out of the car and then looked over at me and asked me if i wanted a hug before getting out of the car. You gave me the nicest and most affectionate hug that i had felt from you in years- it almost put me to tears.. and then you said something to me, i forgot what you said and that makes me sad. Little did i know that i was about to get engaged. You were the only one that was in on it and you wanted me to go out there with a good head on my shoulders.

I was so lucky to have you. I needed you and now I need you more than ever. I have been through hell and back without you these last few months and it makes me so ragingly mad at you. The fact that you’d leave me here is so mean. You abandoned me.

Every time I start to get mad at you I immediately think about your body in the coffin and that should have been the worst pain i’ve ever felt when in reality, I have spent every day in pain which compiles and overrides the pain that i felt that day. I think of your eyes and mouth glued shut and I can still feel your freezing cold hands. I still hear our brother sobbing telling mom, papa and I “she’s so cold” while shivering himself in a hot room.

Sometimes things get so painful to think about that I can’t even cry anymore. I just sit and stare.

The weirdest part about all of this is that you were scared of everything. Even as a baby, you didn’t want to be held by anyone you didn’t know. You were always scared of fireworks but you became more and more scared of the world as you grew up. All of a sudden you became scared of the suns rays, public places, the ocean.. I could go on. You only made it to 15. Would it have become worse? Or would you have conquered your fears?

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I miss you. Oh my god I miss you. There has not been a day where your memory doesn’t make me lose my mind. I wish I could shake you and slap you and tell you that your life doesn’t have to feel like this- it will get better. Our brother and I told you that. We told you that over and over and you let us think that we got to you- that you believed us. You lied. You lied and told me that you’d be there for me forever.

Kiara. I want to live a beautiful life. I want you to help me live a beautiful life. I don’t want to feel like this anymore yet every day feels worse. I need your help from heaven.

I wish I had died instead of you.

Your sister who will adore you until the day I die,

Zoë

My Sister’s Birthday

Guest Post, Letters
Dear Sis,
It’s been almost 7 yrs since we lost you and today is your birthday. I miss you terribly and think about you all the time. It breaks my heart to think of how difficult things must have been for you.
You were a wonderful, generous to a fault, loving mom, grandmother, aunt and sister.Love you always,
SJ