Why did you let her push you to the end? Why didn’t you tell me you were really that lost? Do you have any idea what you did to your children? I’m still so freaking pissed at you. I can’t get past it. No Christmas decorations, no Christmas. I sat here on Christmas and had a cheeseburger. You could have moved to Colorado and been a grampy to your grandchildren. Now they won’t know who you were because you made a snap decision We all hated her even your kids hated her. I wish you had just left. She is one of the most despicable human beings I ever met. She tried to sell your stuff on Facebook and I caught her. I called her … and she took down your Facebook. Why why why. I love you and miss your hugs and your awesome smile. I hope you’re with my son.

It’s Queen. I’m so sorry. Im writing this letter in advance, it’s 26 June 2024. I’m sorry I left home when you were just about to turn 6 this August. It’s a miracle I made it to turn 19. Please reach out, don’t be too mad! I’ll be back one day, we can play again like old times. I love you and I miss you a lot. All the mean things they say about me aren’t true. I can explain everything.

My dear brother,It has been almost 5 months since you chose to end your life. Although I’m still alive, a part of me died when I found out you died. I’m trying to keep it together, but it takes so much work to simply do simple things that seemed so easy before you died. Small tasks take so much effort now that you’re gone. I cry almost daily and although the pain hasn’t gotten better, I have accepted the fact that I will never see you again. I wish you could have seen a 1 minute glimpse of all the pain and suffering you have left behind. If you had, I know you would never have killed your self. You were a great man; you wouldn’t want us to be feeling like this. Mom is devastated. Liam & Olivia need their daddy. We all miss you so much…we ache so much without you. Everything has changed; we will never be the same. You had my dream job of being a secret service special agent; I looked up to you so much, but I never told you that. I wish I had told you how brave I thought you were. I love and miss you so much. Please send us all strength from wherever you are.

I love you always,

Miriam

K,

It’s been almost 9 years now. I’ve really been living by the whole “grief doesn’t shrink, life gets bigger around it” thing. I graduated college but my own mental health is still bad, even on meds so I’m still living with mom and unemployed at 26 :/.

I just don’t know where to go in life really. Everything makes me feel bad and reminds me of you and our trauma overall really. I’m just used to you being there to mark the path before me and without a big sister I have to face all of it alone with no example set for me. I’m older than the few friends I have and none of them struggle the way we both have so they don’t really get it. I’m trying to forge a path on my own but I still feel like a little kid, completely lost in the woods without you.

I haven’t given up on my art and have improved a lot since you saw it last but I still feel disappointed every time I finish a painting and you’re not there to see it. I listened to an album by a band you would’ve hated bc they’re my depressing indie music, but one line the singer wrote is “I don’t want to learn anything from this”. I feel that way every time I paint you or tell someone about losing you. I don’t want you to just be a story that makes people hold their family a little closer when they hear it.

We have a stepdad now and he’s actually really great. Just when I’d given up on having real loving parents, he came into my life. I just wish you’d been around to meet him and enjoy all of the changes that have happened. I guess I would enjoy them more too if you were there to enjoy them with me like you’re supposed to be. Above anything else I miss laughing with you at stupid memes and cuddling in your awful neon magenta bedroom and doing your makeup for Xmas eve.

I hope T is with you at least and that wherever you are, you both remember playing baseball in the field with the lightning bugs and wild strawberries until it was too dark to see the ball and mom called us for dinner. I dreamt you were together after she died.
You’re missing out on H too. He’s adorable and so silly. You would’ve loved playing together.

I just hope there’s an afterlife and I see you again. I don’t want to die lately but life just doesn’t excite me. Everything seems so boring and pointless when I’m facing a future without your smile. Anyway, I hope you still exist somewhere.

Love you sis,
G

Seeking you somewhere there; absolutely anywhere. My dearest little brother there will never be another.
This life will go on. Hopeful of years to come with ultimate passing. Some point the memories will disappear how sad for you me and all we hold dear.

Interesting this fleeting life.
So much adventure, love and fight.
So I lie here one year waiting.
Waiting for an answer that will be ongoing… fading.

The anger it comes. The sadness it goes.
Frustrated at others frivolous woes.
Angry at me who struggles to see
There is so much more right in front of me

I’m sorry one year later for not going over
I knew better but struggled to find the courage to bolster. My dearest little brother there will never be another.

Dear J and S,
Your choices nearly killed me. Your children have suffered. I continue to explain your decisions. People are shocked that Mom and Dad raised two men-talented, established, wealthy, fathers, who left a legacy of suicide to our family. I am fighting the shame and embarrassment of what you did every day. I have my daily suicide tears. My life is forever changed. I am not you, I am a lonely sister who now has to grow old without you. The grief goes on and on. I go back to our happy times together never imagining that you both would — yourselves. I am a compassionate, kind, beautiful, and creative mother; that is how I am determined to define myself. Your mental illness was not treated. I did my best to help you but you didn’t listen to anyone. You left a mess for me to clean up, just like my entire life in our family. Mom and Dad did everything for you to be successful. I can’t imagine how they feel knowing that their sons — themselves. I hope you have found peace. I have not and never will. Your children’s lives are really messed up too. Your loving sister, D