Category Archives: Guest Post

I just lost both my brothers to suicide

I just lost both of my brothers to suicide. My family is very close, especially us siblings. I’m the oldest and only girl. My brothers were my best friends, we talked every day. The first brother to pass was 17 years old. Then, exactly 4 weeks later to the day, my 23 year old brother also passed. We had all been talking and open about our grief and thoughts about suicide to protect each other. We kept encouraging my brother to get counseling/therapy, we were all looking out for each other. I don’t know why this is happening but I’m the only sibling left… They were so young and won’t get to experience so much.

For Marcus

Between each heartbeat I think of you.

You were the first real person I loved outside of our parents.

I thought you would be here forever. Long after I’d gone. I never contemplated you going. Now you’re gone. Before mom and dad. Before aunts and uncles. Before me.

I don’t want to be here without you. I don’t want to have to mourn our parents without you. We were supposed to help each other through that.

It feels as though I’ve lost a part of myself. When you were alive I knew (I just knew) there was a piece of me that was out there in you. Now there’s just a hole.

You are gone. You are not gone. I feel like I’m living two realities. I feel as though I’m reaching for something I will never find. I’m trying to grasp something that isn’t there.

My dear little brother. I know you’re at peace now, but the peace brought by that realization is so fleeting.

I miss you. I love you.