It’s 5/24/2019 today and I came home to the most unbelieveable of news, my mother told me my brother had committed suicide. He was my younger brother at 29 years old, a week before his 30th birthday. He was only 3 years younger than me so we grew up together. I never had any friends growing up so he was the only person I could talk to, talk about videogames, cartoons, toys, movies, anything.
It’s unbelieveable you are gone. I always imagined you would be the one with a family and kids and do better than me, you were already doing far better than me making more money than I’d ever see in my lifetime, your own apartment, everything.
I don’t know why you did it. Our mother and father are devastated, but more importantly is the impact you had on our younger siblings. Our sister is only 15 years old, she loved you and idolized you, do you know what impact your death will have on her for the rest of her life? Do you realize what it’s like for a 15 year old girl to lose her older brother unexpectedly? Do you realize you caused her depression for the rest of her life? That it’s possible in the future when she feels depressed, she’ll think, “my brother committed suicide, maybe I should do it too.” Seriously, what were you thinking? Were you not thinking of her at all when you did it? You’ll never see her smiling face again, or our brothers, do you realize how much joy you gave them? I would have thought our younger siblings would have been enough to keep you going, they should have been enough.
I’m sitting here in tears as well. Who am I going to talk to for the rest of my life? There was no reason you couldn’t have come here, called us one last time, come over and just stay here at home. Now I’m going to think for the rest of my life how I lost my brother on this date every single day. I’m still in shocked, and as the months and years will go on, I’ll never get over this day.
You had your whole life ahead of you, I’m halfway into my 30’s and know the next 20-30+ years will be completely differently and full of opportunities and change. Taking your life so young is so depressing and a travesty. I don’t know what we’re going to think going forward, but I miss you already and its only been a day. And now I have to think about this for my next 40+ years till I’m 80? God******.
I hope our brother and especially sister can live happy lives. I hope that whereever you are, you know we all miss you and will think of you forever. This had no reason to happen, I’m going to look back on this post decades from now and still be in the same shock I’m in today. I can’t believe the last thing I said to you was, “I’m going to sleep now, so long, I guess you have to leave.” You were happy just a week ago talking about movies/shows, with the family. Why’d you have to make it the last time? I miss you so damn much. Goodbye, Michael, I miss you so much. Our family didn’t have to be split up like this, we had so much going for us. You had so much. Thank you for lending me RE3 of all things just to play through it, now I’m going to remember this as the last thing you sent to me. Feels like a dream.
I’m going to go to bed and wish I could see you tomorrow but I know I won’t. Why. Why. If you can somehow read this or see the family, you were the best. I hope we’ll be reunited someday, I pray to God there is an afterlife. LOVE YOU.

Still not accepted what has happened on May 2nd, my sister, mother of my 3 beautiful nieces and gorgeous nephew decided to end her life. I wish I onew how bad it was I wish she told me, she was always my rock and I just wish I could have been hers, I knew of the demons and I know she knew how much we all loved her, I just want to hold her and hear her voice, if I could hold her one last time I would never let her go, I would have dropped everythi g to help her and just wished she leaned on me more. My darling Sister.

Dear Sister,
I found out you were not physically on this earth 4 hours ago. I’m so confused. You messaged me just hours before. Why didn’t you tell me something?? I hope you know that I loved you . I’m sorry it had been so long since we saw each other. I feel so confused.

There’s so much to say so many mixed emotions it’s been 19 long years and not a day feels different then the one before. I miss you so much I need you so much. My big bro my protector you’re suppose to be here to help me, see your nieces, have you own kids, help take care of Mommy and Daddy, just live a happy life. Some days are harder then others and I jus don’t know what to do but I have 2 girls looking up to me. I just wish you would’ve spoke to someone, your life was worth way more. This was not how life was suppose to go. I miss you so much. I’m having a hard day. I love you always Little sister Chucky

My brother took his own life I just can’t get my head around it don’t feel real at all been 13 weeks feel like still here

On April 18, 2019 my world has forever changed! You had SO much going for you! You where only 31.. We never seen it coming. You were always happy always the strong level headed one.. you were my big bubba. The one I looked up to when I needed advice or anything at that matter. I requested broken halos be played at your service.. I keep trying to relate to the song went is says.. don’t go looking for the reasons. Don’t go asking Jesus why. We’re not meant to know the answers. They belong to the by and by. But I keep asking why. I am at the point where I can hardly sleep, eat or even think straight. When I lay down all I can think of is you laying in that bed. Wondering what was your final thoughts? Are you at peace now? I know I am not alone and you are here with me. You are showing me day after day. I have never felt something so strong when you show me a sign. I use to try to find a logical reason behind it.. but there wasn’t any. It makes me a little at peace knowing you are okay and looking down on me.. Me and momma are doing our best with making sure everything you listed in your letters are taken care of.. I hope we are making you proud! My heart aches and feels so empty with out you here.. I am getting to the point at times I feel completely numb. And don’t know how to deal with the situation still. Just know that we love you and there is never a day that goes by that we don’t think of you. You will always be my bubba and I can’t wait to see you again!

How did we get here? How am I on this site? I miss you so much it is unbearable. What does one do when you yearn for someone this much? Its been a year and I cannot shrug this grief that chokes me up every-time I think of you. My love I would have walked to the ends of the earth for you, but now its too late. And i’m just stuck trying to live a lifetime with only the memories of you. How is it possible to live with this kind of guilt? I pray you forgive me for not being there for you as you always have for me. I will always hate myself for not picking up your call.

Just a short note this twilight….
“I miss you, Mariah”.
4/1/80 – 12/24/09
I hope to see you again.
Clay

January 3, 2019 changed my life for the worst. The day started off with worry anyway. My 12 year old nephew (my sister’s  son) was having gallbladder surgery. And to top it off it was my sister’s birthday. Well after they got to come home, my little brother Lance sat on the back of the 4 wheeler and put a shot gun to his head and killed himself. The worst part of it was my sister and another brother and my brother Lance’s 4 year old daughter and his wife were all outside with him when he shot himself.

Now this is where it gets even worse. The brother T is also a kidney dialysis patient and isn’t doing good at all. So not only did I lose my littlest brother, I’m also going to lose my brother T. I live 4 hrs away from them and just didn’t know anything like this was going on. I have so many questions that will never be answered. Why didn’t Lance just get a divorce? How did I not know all this was going on? I just can’t understand any of this.

It has exactly been 2 years since you’ve left this earth but why does it feel like everything happened yesterday? I’ve replayed the moment of finding your helpless body in my head, over and over. I’ve spent a lot of time over these two years, coming to the actualization that your physical body is gone but knowing that your soul is around and watching over me. You were my older beautiful sister that I’ve always admired and looked to as a role model. No one would have thought you were going through the unimaginable. I’ve always stood by your side but a part of me feels guilt. Thinking I could’ve convinced you not to take your own life and fight your battle with me, mom and dad as your supporters. Something I’ve realized is even with constant help and love, it’ll never change an individual feelings deep down. Mental illness is a real thing and a challenge to overcome. Some win the battle, other lose.

Some days are better than others with distracting myself with school and work but others I fall to my knees and cry uncontrollably. Why take such a beautiful soul? We weren’t done appreciating, loving and caring for you.

I talk too you all the time, Samantha. Having the slightest hope that you’re listening and realize how much me, mom and dad miss you. Life will never be the same.