Dear Danny, it’s only been 4 days since you took your own life. I’m so sad and im angry with you. You left me an only child. You left me to take care of mom by myself. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I’m sad because I didn’t know that you were hurting so bad. That you thought this was the only way out. No one knew, everyone is shocked. We don’t understand and we will never have an answer. I’m sorry you we hurting. I’m sorry I didn’t know. I wish you would have reached out to me, to someone, to anyone. If I had one more day with you I would ask how you were. I would ask if you were happy. I would tell you how much you meant to me and tell you how much I loved you. I would do something silly just to hear your chuckle. I would tell you how smart you were and how I always looked up to you. I would tell you that no matter what I would always be here for you. I’ll never be able to tell you any of it now because you chose to leave. It’s not how it was supposed to be. My head hurts from crying. My eyes won’t stop. My heart is breaking…..
Debbie
Debbie, My heart breaks for you. I remember all too well the pain that I felt when I lost my brother John. I too, became an only child. I too, said those words – how could you leave me alone with them?? We were supposed to grow old together. Have our children together. Share our lives together – and then he was gone. It took me a long time to find peace, but things that helped are doing exactly what you are doing – reaching out. There are great support groups through AFSP and AAS that you can attend. There are also a lot of great resources you can read. I wrote a book about my experiences which you can find on Amazon. It’s called The Forgotten Mourners, Sibling Survivors of Suicide. Another one that helped me was “Do They Have Bad Days in Heaven?”. Nothing can or will replace your beloved brother Danny. The pain will not go away – it will get easier to bear in time. But how much time? I can’t say. Know that we are here for you and so is our support group. Please keep reaching out – you will be in our prayers.
Thank you for your encouraging words. Yesterday was his birthday. One week to the day he chose to leave this world. The whole thing is so unsettling. The not knowing, the sadness, the responsibility. I have to take sleeping pills cuz I’m afraid of “thinking” all night long. I’m getting through the days by staying busy but then I feel guilty for living, for smiling, for not knowing. Now I’m worried about my mom. He was there for the little things, wrangling black snakes, fixing her computer, taking her to dinner. What if something happens to me?! Then what? Ugh, all the emotions.
Thank you for your encouraging words. Yesterday was his birthday. One week to the day he chose to leave this world. The whole thing is so unsettling. The not knowing, the sadness, the responsibility. I have to take sleeping pills cuz I’m afraid of “thinking” all night long. I’m getting through the days by staying busy but then I feel guilty for living, for smiling, for not knowing. Now I’m worried about my mom. He was there for the little things, wrangling black snakes, fixing her computer, taking her to dinner. What if something happens to me?! Then what? Ugh, all the emotions.