I have four younger brothers, or had. Three months ago my brother just younger than me passed away from carbon monoxide posioning. That was very hard on all of us, but then it got drastically harder…
Almost three weeks ago, my husband, my brother and I went to easter at my grandmas, (its like a reunion, huge get-together) we had a great time and got home (my brother had been staying with us for about a month) We made popcorn and sat down to watch a movie, all of us laughed and laughed and just enjoyed the movie and each other.
My husband went to bed around 12:30 am. About ten minutes later, my brother got up, and i just assumed it was to go to the bathroom. After about half hour/ forty fuve minutes, I started to wonder what was up, so I went to the bathroom door to find the door open a crack and the light off, so i pulled it open, and he wasnt in there.
A few nights prior, he had gone outside, and said it was to get some fresh ir because his asthma was acting up. So this night i assumed the same, I went outside and called for him, didnt see him, but noticed my garage light was on in the stall farthest feom the house, so i walked over there and could partially see him (that stall is storage, and is very cluttered), i called out to him again with no response. So i walked around a stack of stuff, and then could fully see him hanging from the rafters, by a ratchet strap. I immediately called 911and screamed at the top of my lungs for help and ran to the house to grab a knife. I ran back and tried to support his weight, as i cut the strap, he fell, i began doing cpr, the chest compressions and mouth to mouth. I could tell by the way he smelled and how his lips tasted he was gone, but i couldnt stop. Finally the first cop got to my house, and i continued the compressions as he started the dibulator process, about that time the second cop got there, and i finally was able to stop and phone my mother, and wake up my husband, they say between me and them we did cpr for over an hour to no avail. He was only 22 years old.
I close my eyes and all i can see is him still up there, i hate coming home, and i feel so alone, no one understands, everyone keeps asking me “how you hanging in there” and i just want to scream!!! Do they realize how bad of a choice of words that is?!?!
-Lisa
Lisa,
I know only too well what you are going through. My brother was my best friend – my family. When he died, I became an only child and I felt like I lost everything. He was only 18 and he had his whole life ahead of him. For many years, I wished there was something I could have done or seen that would have saved him. In time, I came to realize that it was not my fault and there was nothing I could have done. I am not sure where you live, but I would encourage you to take part in Survivors of Suicide support groups, if you are able. (http://www.afsp.org/coping-with-suicide-loss/find-support). They were a tremendous help to me after John first died – being around other people who KNEW what I was going through, who knew that there are no right words – no words at all that can take away the pain. Only time can help us heal and we will never be the same.
People who have never experienced this type of loss don’t know how to respond to it. It’s hard for us, but we can help them and ourselves by trying to tell them what we need. I remember my friends stopped asking me about it, around a year after John died. I brought it up with one of my friends and she said, “If you weren’t thinking about it, I didn’t want to bring it up and make you upset.” I told her I was always thinking about it so she could ask me anytime – if I wanted to talk, I would. If I didn’t, I would tell her. That seemed to help.
Anyway, I hope some of this makes sense to you. Please continue to reach out and let us know what you need. You and your family are in my thoughts…
Magda
I lost both of my brothers within 5 days of each other in November 2014. I am devastated and am now an only child. Still can’t believe they have both gone. Still waiting for the inquest on my younger brother who was only 43yrs old. I miss them every day.