Subject: Six months later

I would like to first say that I have read a great many of the posts on this site before thinking of writing one myself. They kept me sane when I felt my thoughts were beyond order.
Six months ago, I lost my younger brother. Around Thanksgiving, my youngest brother and I heard he wasn’t doing well. I couldn’t get on a plane to go to him, because I was over eight months pregnant. His wife was concerned he would hurt himself and both me and our youngest brother didn’t believe that was remotely possible. Within a week, he took his life and three days later I gave birth to my first child.
He was on the West Coast, having just left the military a few months before and entered a college program. He was a well respected private in the navy, having received two major awards, including one for saving someone’s life.
He was the best of us, the most concientious, devoting his life to others, kind, hysterically funny, handsome, athletic, gifted with a smile warmer than the sun and a laugh that assured you life was good.
There was no funeral even though hundreds of people would have attended to honor him. His will directed that he should be cremated which was done in CA while I was in a hospital in NY and my son in the NICU. Memorials were planned and then set aside when grief was unbearable. His navy friends organized a paddle out in several states in his honor and we stood by the shoreline at our home beach to honor him.
Everyone thought he was doing so well and on this continual trajectory up after working so hard and fighting for happiness despite hardship and having to overcome many odds.
He was so kind that I worried about people taking advantage of him or hurting him. He loved everyone and sacrificed so much for them, I could not have imagined this for him. He loved his wife more than anyone and anything. She was his greatest happiness. He was robbed of his life because he had no idea how to handle or confront his depression.
That is all I can say for now though it is a mere nothing to the emotions that surround this loss.Thank you for this website to put thoughts and feelings.