Subject: Years Later, and Still

March 31, 2003
I was 7 years old when it happened, now I am 22 and hurt more and more every day. My dear Iris had a scholarship to Yale Medical and would have been a successful doctor by now. I had a tumultuous few years when I was a teenager, and regret not following her footsteps. I am in college now, but have noticed how much I love my friends and how much I push others away. My mother blamed me for her death some years ago, mistreated me with an intense anger. (My sister was dating a family member at the time(which I knew of but didn’t really think much since I was so young, though I knew it was odd) , rejected by him when she didn’t want to marry him and he got a new fling, so she was devastated) Now I have so much sadness and hatred and fear of abandonment, I guess I never really got over it. Reading my fellow guest posts brings an immediate tear to my eye because I can’t imagine the recent feeling and my heart cries with you. In my heart yearns a deep burning love for none other than my sister, the one who could not receive it in the past 15 years, the one who I had hoped to be my guide for years to come, though our time together was cut ever so short. why didn’t she want to stay with us? we could have helped her go through everything. Every day, more so in my times of confusion and frustration, I wonder how different life would have been if she were here? How much happier my mom would have been? How much more love would be in our lives? Was she selfish or am I the selfish one? I only ever wonder why….