Dear Austin,
I miss you so much more than any word could ever describe. When you were alive you were my best friend. You were always there for me and always put up with me. I miss us texting each other “yo” or “yo wanna jump” when we wanted to go out onto the trampoline, and when i would run into your room and jump on your bed and say “Can I play GTA” as fast as I could for some reason. Or when we would go onto the trail and look for a place to make a cool fort. Or when you taught me how to do cool tricks on the trampoline. I wish you could come back more than anything. If I could only have one wish in the entire world, it would be to bring you back. I know you don’t want to live but you could get help. You could get your life together again and get a job and we could start that dog business you always wanted to start. I just want you back. I know I didn’t say this that much when you were alive, but I love you. More than anything else in the world. I never thought I would go through this much pain at just 13 years old. I never thought I would have to go to my own brother’s funeral so early on in life and see him… dead. The pain I endure is unbearable. I see a therapist now and she makes thing a bit better but I will forever have a broken heart. There will always be an empty space in my heart where you should be. There is not a single day that has past where I have ‘t thought about you. I just want to see you one more time, hug you one more time, say I love you one more time. If only I could just see you one last time so i could at least say goodbye. Even if it was just for a minute. I also have so many questions for you. Like: Why did you do it on the fourth of July? Why dodn’t you write a note explaining exactly why you did it? Or did you write one? If you did, did it get lost? Why were you listening to Faded by Zhu when you did it? Why did you do it where you did it? Are you in Heaven, or Hell? Will I ever see you again? I want the answers so bad but I know I will never get them because you are gone. Most days these days I just feel numb. I almost can’t even comprehend how much I miss you and I feel fine because I am numb so much. Though once every little bit it will all come rushing back and I can’t do anything but cry. I feel so much guilt. I am sorry for what I did. You told me that you attenpted suicide and wanted to commit and when mom and dad came home you asked if I was going to tell Dad and I shook my head no, walked upstairs to my room, and cried. God I wish I could at least just go back to that day and not have said no. I wish I could fix that mistake and instead ran outside to the car and told them everything. Instead I was a coward and said nothing. I am just a depressed little piece of shit. I don’t deserve a brother like you anyway. I feel so bad for what I did. Or didn’t do really. I truly am deeply sorry. Around the time you did it, I had a dream that you were in your room at the end of your room. I remember you laying on the ground, dead. You had killed yourself with a gun which is how you did it in real life. To this day I ponder and ponder how I could have dreamt a dream like that at such a convenient time. I just wish you would have gave life one more chance. Life is so hard without you. I could always go to you to complain about our “insane” family because you were the only one who understood me but now I can’t. The whole family is just completely falling about and we are always at each others throats anymore without you. You have to come back we need you. Michelle and James moved in to our house and life is more stressful than ever. I am extremely upset because they took your room which was supposed to be my place to smell your ever so distinct smell and think and talk to you. Now it’s gone and now it is their room with their smell that I can never go into. The kids are very stressful and they don’t do a good job of watching them and my whole life is upside down between you and them. I got diagnosed with an Adjustment Disorder and Uncomplicated Bereavement and it’s tough. My birthday is coming up soon. Just a couple of weeks. You aren’t going to be there, though. I won’t ever be able to escape my birthday parties and just go down stairs and play “Rome” with you instead, or any party. The Fourth of July will forever be ruined for me and I can’t stand the sound of Fireworks now because I just think and invision you standing by the side of the road on the sidewalk shooting yourself. It’s terrible. One day I will graduate and go to college, you won’t be there for me then either. One day I will go and meet the love of my life then get married, you won’t be there for me then either. One day I will move into my first apartment then someday my first house. You won’t be able to be there to celebrate with me though. One day I will have kids, but they will never be able to meet their amazing uncle and you will never be able to help me raise them. I just miss you so, so much. I want to be with you but I can’t leave the family too. Mom cries almost every single night now and constantly says shes wants to be with you. I hear her sobs every night. She misses you a ton like everyone else. She also feels guilty for seperating you from Abby. She feels terrible. Michelle had another baby. His name is Oliver Rue Santos and by God he is by far the most perfect and cutest baby I have ever seen in my life. It’s just way too bad he will never meet you. Michael and Brittni got a new house. It’s in Terrace Park and it is so big. There’s also some woods and a creek behind it. I know you and I would both love to go their when we visit them and explore and have fun. They also had baby twins. One is a baby boy names George Joseph O’Connor, the other is a girl. Her name is Harper June O’Connor. They were born a couple months too early, though, and might possibly die. If they do, please take care of them if you are in Heaven. They are the sweetest little things. Anyways, I love you so, SO much and miss you. I hope when I eventually die I will be able to reunite with you, my dear brother.
Love, Alison