Love and Miss You

Dear Baby Brother,
Just checking in again. Its been now just 2 months since you shot yourself. I try not to think of the phone call I got at work where Dad told me you were dead. Literally the worse day of my life. Mom finally got up enough strength to bury you last Tuesday. It was a nice small gathering of your best friends and family. Now I hope you are at peace next to Grandpa and Granny. Surprisingly, it wasnt all that sad. More of a celebration of your life and great memories. Im glad we had the time to start our healing process between the cremation and burial. Thanksgiving will be weird without you and Im not looking forward to Christmas. Hopefully we can start new traditions and begin a “new norm” without you. My birthday pretty much sucked as all I wanted was you to be there. Guess we will just have to get used to that…huh? I hate telling people the diagnosis of cancer sent you over the top as everyone knows that it was something, with a little assistance from the oncologist, could have been cured. Im not angry and never was at your but I am VERY DISAPPOINTED in your decision about all of this and the fact you never even had enough respect for mom/dad, me, or AB. Not even a phone call. Oh wait, I know why……you knew it was a bad decision and you just didnt want anyone to talk you out of it. HMPH…..BS im my opinion. Just sayn. Now im left to deal with your estate and go through all of your stuff. You made me an only child. It was suppose to be me and you. You left DW without a godparent. So now your one and only job is to keep him safe! All I am able to do is take it one day at a time. I continuously have to push the self destructive thoughts that creep into my head, out. Im now going to have to try and drag mom, with me, to a grief counselor. I write my thoughts in a journal. I will burn it when I feel I can move on without crying constantly. Sigh…..do you know you broke my heart and took a piece of my soul with you that day?? I love and miss you so much. This never should have happened.