I just lost my brother David on October 19, 2009. My hands are shaking and tears are falling as I write this. I feel as if there is an empty space where my heart used to be. I have never hurt so much in my life. I keep replaying my last moments with him over and over again in my head looking for an answer. I expect to wake up everyday I find that this is all a terrible nightmare. My family and I are all struggling to survive right now. His birthday is coming and then the holidays I dont know how we are going to make it!

Today marks the first year since my little sister took her life. I am still devastated. I spoke to her the night sh left us and was blessed to express how much I loved her. This was something she had wanted to do for such a long time. I miss her so much.

Hi everyone. I lost my baby brother back in January. Can't even begin to explain the toll it has taken on me and my family. I still don't understand. I don't think I ever will. We've spoken about suicide before. He knows how I felt about it. He always spoke strongly against it because he saw what it did to my mother when her younger brother killed himself eleven years ago. He was angry at our uncle and couldn't believe how selfish he was. I guess things change. The holidays are coming up and I don't know how to deal. I want to avoid family because I know it's going to hurt. Can anyone tell me what I may expect for this holiday season without my little brother? How do I get through this?

I just want to know if the pain will ever lighten up. I lost my brother in May of 2009, and I still can't get through a day without a serious dose of sadness/pain/crying.

I feel like I'm the only one whose days are still really rough. My beloved little sister died December 15, 2008. I feel bad because her face isn't as clear in my mind as it used it be. The last thing she said she yelled at me. I feel like it's my fault. I wish wishing could do something about my heartache. I fear I've become obsessed with her and her death. It consumes my mind and heart more of the day than anything else. I can't stop thinking about her. When I try and talk to my friends about it, they don't really respond about it, but i think it's bc they don't understand. I'm so sad and missing my baby sister terribly.

Man! I am so pissed off! I suppose it beats being in the excrutiating emotional pain that I have been in for 21 months...

Hi Jennifer, my brother killed himself last year, it was completely out of the blue, we were this perfect family living charmed lives, he was not long term depressed or mentally ill, just a little nuts, drank too much and was extremely impetuous. but this message is not about him. i wanted to tell you the heart attack thing is normal. well, obviously it's not 'normal' per se, but it is something i experienced in the first year. you think about your sibling, your heart starts racing, you think 'christ this it it i'm gonna die', because life seems so tenuous so easy to slip away - and a part of you, that you don't want to face, secretly hopes it is your time - so you can see your brother (or sister)and end the pain they caused you.

i am not a person to take prescribed medication myself, but that doesn't mean i don't drink alcohol, so maybe it's kind of ridiculous to say i won't take the pills but i'll drink myself into oblivion. but the point is you are not your brother. you will not as a result of chemistry make the same decisions he did.

that's not to say i think your brother made a bad decision to come off his medication, i think that was a very brave move and he obviously did that out of love and a desire to be whatever it was his Gf wanted him to be. his death seems to be a mistake then, he did what he had to do and what resulted was not his fault in that case. anyone can make a mistake, right?



and your final question, 'will it ever get better?' well, i am at 16 months, a few weeks ago i felt worse. a lot worse, than i did when he first left, (you will see my tirade signed of as 15 months), but now, maybe just maybe it's a little better. i don'tthink you get over it but maybe you can get through it. if you are here, on this web site, trying, thinking, then i think you can.

My brother shot himself almost six months ago. After he died, I realized how depressed he was. He tried to tell me that he suffered from anxiety and depression. We talked about it but I guess I truly didn't understand. Well now I do. Since he died, I have had panic attacks in which I thought I was having a heart attack. I am so depressed. I feel like I'm trapped in the bottom of an endless pit with no hope in sight. I have been going to counseling because I feel overwhelmed that I am the "only child left" of my parents. I feel overwhelmed by trying to be a "suicide survivor", a wife, a mother, a daughter. My counselor thinks that I need medication for anxiety and depression. Well, one more complication...my brother took medication for anxiety and depression. He became addicted to prescription pills. Two weeks before he died, his girlfriend gave him an ultimatum: quit taking the pills or she was going to leave him. So, my brother stopped cold turkey, on his own. Two weeks later he shot himself. Have you ever noticed the adds for anti-depressants that suggest people may have suicidal thoughts? Why the hell do doctor's prescribe pills if they could have these reactions? My brother's doctor explained to me that my brother should have never stopped taking the pills. He should have been weaned off the pills. I think he thought he was doing the right thing. Anyway, I'm terrified to take medication. I think about how siblings have the most similar chemical make up. My brother and I were so similar. As shitty as I feel, I will probably get addicted just like he did. I just feel so down that maybe medication is the only thing that will help. Is this ever going to get better?

Jamie,

You are not a fake or a liar. You are also not alone. What you are feeling is perfectly understandable given what's happened to you. My brother has attempted suicide three times. The most recent time, he shot himself and has been maimed. I no longer talk to him or my parents because I have to preserve what little sanity I have left. Still, I go through a whole range of emotions on any given day, and there are times when I do or say things around my wife and kids that confuse and hurt them. I try not to but it happens. It's been almost 6 months for me as well.

Hang in there. Time will heal you. If you are not in counseling, I suggest you go. Don't expect drastic results immediately, but the healing will come.

Good luck, and don't be so hard on yourself. I've had to accept that my life will never be the same again, but that I can continue to live a good and full life under new circumstances. We have no control over what goes on around us, only how we deal with it. Take care of yourself and remember that you are no good to anyone unless you look after yourself. Finally, I've had to accept that there is no such thing or place as "peace", we simply must learn to make peace with life.

Be well.

I feel like I don't know how to think anymore. It has been almost 6 months since I lost my brother, because of his decision. I wake up thinking about him and I go to bed thinking about him. Thinking "god if I could have only said something to change his mind." What could have possibly been so detramental to want to leave everything and everyone behind????? I was his big sister, he always lend on me... Why didn't he call back until I woke up? Why couldn't he just stayed alive?????
Everyone tells me I am so strong, HELL give me a Golden Globe for my acting skills. I am a fake and a liar. I hate my situation. The situation he put me in. Does that mean I hate him??? But I couldn't hate him, then why the hell am I thinking about him every minute of every day.
I mess up my relationships with my husband and friends all the time. I am so consumed by his death I can't fit anything in. I don't know what to do anymore.
Forget about my relationship with my parents. My dad is getting better but he is still hurting and I don't know how to be positive anymore for him. My mom.... she use to be my best friend, now we can't even talk. It is my fault I am sure. I just want to cry in front of them and tell them how much I am hurting, but it is almost like neither of my parents truly talk to me. I just want them to hold me when I fall to the ground because I can't the pain. Every time I try to talk to them they either walk away and say oh honey, or ignore that I could even be in pain....
What the hell?? Mike was my baby brother, I feel like I failed him as a sister.
I want my life back.. I want Mike back...

My beloved brother, my soul mate, my wing man through all the horrible shit that our early years threw at us (and our growing into adults in spite of it) killed himself on October 11th 2008.
That anniversary is coming up and I find myself more and more revisiting the days around his suicide, and I am struggling like a lot of you are with the realization that it is NOT something that goes away.
I was hoping that after this long, the anesthetic called time would soften the jagged edges of the pain, and in some regard it has. For the most part my life is back to a semi-normal façade. But there is an underlying hole that I fall into when I think about my brother (in any manner other than abstract) which brings back the true depth of my loss, my hurt, and my guilt for not being able to save him. None of my friends and family understand how this can be (after this long) and I have finally given up trying to explain it to them. It is mine and I must own it.
I have been trying to find some tools to help me keep my equilibrium, but they are few. One of the only things that helps me when I'm feeling the most bereft is to remember that my brother was broken for a long time before he killed himself, and that I just didn't have the magic to fix him. I'm not magic. It's disappointing to admit that, because we all feel in our most secret heart of hearts that we possess some magic. Maybe some truly remarkable talent that even WE don’t know about that we can draw on in a pinch to save the day. But when it comes down to it we don't.
Love CAN'T heal, in spite of the depth and ferocity with which it is applied. If it could, my brother would be one of the healthiest guys around and enjoying life today. Cancer patients would always get better, accident victims would all survive and war casualties would all return to hearth and home.
Instead all we survivors of this unthinkable horror can do is wait for that old “bald headed cheater” (thank you Steven King) called time to mend our broken hearts.
Common, simple, unfeeling, unhurried time.
And we curse the depth of our love for breaking our hearts so badly as we wait to heal.
Tick...... Tock......

"15 Months"... It's like you opened up my head and saw my life! WOW!

I don't even know why I am writing. I have been all over websites like this, just reading...I wish I could calm down, feel normal, not so anxious, go to sleep for a full night w/o bad dreams, but I have to wait till I'm so bored I pretty much just pass out. I guess I can vent if that is all right...I don't have really anyone I can talk to anymore. I am the only person I know who feels like this. I can't talk to my parents, they would freak out if they knew half the crap I have in my head I think about on a daily basis. Can't call my fiance because he killed himself. Wish to God I could at least have my sister around to talk to, or at least to drag me out of the house. We always had fun together. We were so alike. But she killed herself three months after I lost my fiance. So now, it's just me. I had someone I was dating, which the timming was bad. Guess I used it as a distraction from all the bad that was happening around. I loved her reguardless. She has her own problems that she is worried about. Not me anymore. I probably would have left me too.
I was skimming some of the letters, and one that got me, I looked at the name, and it was Kim. That was my sisters name. I had some of the same thoughts about how fucked up it is that the two people I was supposed to always have around, until I die, my husband and sister. I lost them both. Really can make your mind go nuts 24/7. And it does. Fucked up, exuse my language, that after I lost my fiance, I thought about killing myself too, but at least thought about my family and thought about what it might be like for them. I didn't do that to Kim, but she did it to me. Thanks alot man.
I read how some people feel like they are stuck in this feeling, where they can't "move on." Which I hate to say because you can't move on from this. On Survivors of Suicide, they had some sayings I felt and didn't know how to communicate the feelings. It is so sad that there is a feeling in me now, that has died, and I keep holding on...I don't know why. I'm supposed to. But I just drag this feeling around that clouds my look, I don't look like me anymore, my personality, I used to be so different, in a good way, my whole life. I just want them back...I'm just so broken now. I can't be fixed.
Thanks for letting me vent.

hi. this is my first time ever looking up any type of survivors guide...i've read some of the posts and feel the same way...i just cried and cried reading them just knowing that someone somewhere else is feeling the same way i'm still feeling today. It will be 3 yrs Dec 7th and it feels like yesterday..i want him back...time is standing still for me and can't find myself....before he did this i was suffering depression myself...ever since he's been gone that's all i think about not understanding how i could ever put my family through the same pain i'm feeling. i can't see through all the pain i'm going through and just want it all to end...

Reading "15 months" entry made me realize how long it's been I've felt the same way. Exhausted to the bone every day. Distracted, unmotivated. Alone, no one to talk about my pain with. My half brother and sister are older, were abandoned by our mother and have no use for me, especially now in my pathetic condition at age 52. I'm no longer rich or pretty, and I don't party to make myself fun to be around.

He was my only real sibling, and we were only 15 months apart. My little brother Eddie died in 1973, barely 15, by overdosing on percodan. It was not only unexpected, it was ahead of it's time, there was no such thing as teen suicide then. It made my family seem very strange, we became social pariahs. My parents, recently divorced anyway, were too overwhelmed to deal with me, and I got no professional help, was shipped away to my own apartment at 18. They were remarried to new people. They were done with parenting.

I felt that I was losing my mind, began to ideate about suicide myself, withdrew, began the lifelong struggle with depression, expressed as eating disorders, addictions, bad relationships, but mostly sleeping. I've spent most of my adult life in bed. I came across one of my children's school projects recently, a hand illustrated mother's day book all about Mommy. "Mommy's favorite thing", written in sweet 8 year old handwriting with a beautiful drawing of me "in bed." How I raised 4 outstanding kids, all in college, grad school or graduated, I have no clue.

Now at 52, unemployed, impoverished, on the verge of foreclosure for the second time in 3 years, this time because my own mother who can afford to keep the home we bought together after my personal foreclosure, can no longer stand to be part of my life. She has used the current mortgage crisis as a cover to walk away from me, the house and mortgage, with no guilt. She believes that I am a malingerer who refuses to work. I'm not. I am truly paralyzed in almost every facet of life. I have recenlty been diagnosed for the first time officially, with panic order with agoraphobia, ocd traits and dependent personality traits, functioning at 41 out of 100 on the gaf.

I'm trying to get better, but I don't know if I can do this thing, getting better. I will never commit suicide myself. I tried in earnest years ago, and now know that I cannot do to my children what Eddie's suicide has done to me. But the pain gets worse, the pain rarely lessens, I think about him every day and wish I oculd talk him out of it, find out what he was thinking, what could I have done differently, hug him, tell him how much I love him. I just hope he's ok wherever he is. He was a better person than I was, much more sweet, quiet, accepting, easy to be around. I'm sure that the unfairness of losing him rather than me crossed my parents minds more than once.

I hope that suicide is not a sin that destroys our souls after we're dead. No one deserves to live in this kind of pain while alive and then be punished for it after resorting to the only way we know to make it stop. I love you Eddie. I wish I'd been a better sister, had known what you were going through, and I'm sorry for everything I ever did to make your life sad.

please look for a support group or therapist. both helped me a lot when I thought the exhaustion would never end. I also hospitalized myself at one point because I was SO tired and did not think I could go on.

we have all been where you are. it is ugly and painful and exhausting... just like you say. but your life can and will get better if you stick around and seek help.

keep writing here. we will listen.

I was walking my dog today when i realised- i am exhausted.
every day since my brother died has been a 24 hour olympic event; 0600 wake - first thought, my brother is dead he hung himself without warning and without explanation, but i have to go to work anyway so i better get up.
08.45 drive to work - why does driving make me cry? if i had epilepsy i would have to tell the dvla and they would take my licence away, grief doesn't seem to be a disqualifying syndrome but it is awfully dangerous.
lunchtime - why do i keep eating shit and being bad to myself? i must have put on a stone in the last year, i am 5' 4" previously slim and it's become an effort to walk up a hill. everyday i tell myself - when i feel better i'll get fit again, i'll buy new clothes, get out there and meet an amazing guy...just not at the moment.

13.00 - 17.00 i think about suicide at every free moment: yours, mine, mum's, my little brother's - this has become a large and important topic in my life. other people have cigarette breaks, drink coffee - i Google 'suicide'. i am vague at work, in my head i have an excuse for not being the brilliant, passionate and energised lawyer i was going to be but to everyone else i'm a lazy cow. work don't know. shall i tell them?? for a laugh? for a get out clause? nah - couldn't stand the sympathy when they heard and couldn't stand the lack of sympathy when they forgot again. them not knowing means i can't blame them for being shit about it.

16.00 - 16.30 - driving again, blurry, sad, talking to myself. and i call my client's mad.

17.00 - walking my dog, i realise - that the day of detox is never coming, on the way home i buy a big bag of crisps, some pasta and a jar of pesto and a bottle of 'healthy' organic wine. no yoga tonight then.

18.00 check suicide chat rooms on line. there is always someone worse off than yourself. it's horryfing and offers no comfort whatsoever. make a few comments in a drunken haze i know i'll later regret.

19.00 alcohol has no longer has the desired effect on me, but i buy some more anyway. i again think that heroin must be cheaper and more effective - and make a plan to buy some weed. Chicken.

20.00 - 21.00 ignore all calls and texts from concerned friends. some KEEP ringing, it's weird - eventually i have to answer and pretend i'm in bed sleeping, watching a movie or in the bath - in case they call the emergency services or worse, come round.

21.00 i lie in bed and i try to picture him, i think so hard about every inch of his face, it used to be i could dream about him at will but now no more. i think the booze has fucked that up. i can't remember the dreams i had about him before either. all gone.

21.00 - 00.00 i don't sleep i pass out - but not for long!

00.00 wake and brush teeth, feel disgusted, try not to think about it, dog looks disapproving and disgruntled. what has he got to be disgruntled about?

00..00 - 04.00 weird dreams or lieing bed wakeless.

04.00 wake but cannot remember more than a trace of the weird dreams - convinced he is involved. hear a noise and wonder if he'll appear in the night. have a brief and horrible flash of the image of him hanging from the pagoda. switch light on and will him to appear - but not in a dead way. dog looks at me and tells me to switch the light off. i can speak dog at that time and in that state. i know he's right too.

06.00 wake and think....

but i'm too tired now. i have spent the last 15 months exhausting myself with the task of getting over this and now i'm not even trying. havent been for a few months now. i have accepted it. not his death - no, NEVER! but i have accepted mine, the destruction of my life.

It's been 5 years since my baby sister, my best friend, took her own life. She saw no way out of her pain. She was a tortured soul, a broken baby bird. I could not save her, but God how I tried. I know she is at peace now. I am so sad for all the wonderful times ahead that I will not share with her. I had to live again. I had to put the pain aside. And so do you. It is healthy to grieve, but healthier to live. Honor your loved one by living your best life. They would want you to be happy...

Final Test

this is my message. please don't get lost!