just lost my 21 year old brother a week ago he drove 90 mph head on into a tractor trailer. he had been dealing with schizophrenia for 2 years it was such a helpless feeling seeing him struggle with it, we tried helping had him to docotors but he always refused the medication. been reading the book and 50 pages in its helped so much already through this very difficult time. i just can't seem to find joy in any of the things i used to like to do because all of my favorite things were also my brothers favorite things. miss your smiling face little bro i love you so much can't believe we'll never watch or play a hockey game together again. life will just never be the same without you in it.

:( This is Barbara again, I am the one who has the Sister who was 9 days from a year older then me ; who killed herself on November 17th 2009. Still not doing well at all. Every single day it gets worse. I go to my Sisters house to see her kids and OH MY GOD is that so hard to do. driving in her long lane , then seeing her SUV parked there and walking up her deck into her house where all her things are just like she left them. then drinking coffee from her coffeepot and her mugs , and looking at her children. It is enough to take my breath away, and sometimes it actually does.. i have to gasp for air......I am still feeling like I did the morning I got the call from my Sisters daughter telling me that her Mom is dead; she shot herself. Although I am no longer SCREAMING out loud, I still am on the inside. I feel like I could literally just go INSANE from the pain of knowing she is really gone ...and how. and still not REALLY knowing WHY????? I am almost sure that I will forever be messed up over this , I cannot see how I could ever be OK or even HALF RIGHT AGAIN.... I mean really HOW???/ but just a note to the people I see who also are going thru this same thing----KILLING YOURSELF IS NOT THE THING TO DO .....PLEASE THINK OF THE ONES LIKE ME AND YOURSELVES WHO WILL BE LEFT ALIVE TO DEAL WITH IT ... ITS ALMOST AN IMPOSSIBLE THING TO LIVE WITH, BUT YOU MUST ALL LIVE .... I am going to ntake this Very personal and tell anybody who is here on this site and is hurting so BAD , that you are thinking of taking your own life , EMAIL ME and give me half a chance to help you to live , my Sister didnt give me even a hint that she was going to do this to herself so I didnt get the chance to even TRY to help her ...MY EMAIL IS honeychild1970.bh@gmail.com and MY NAME IS Barbara... remember even tho I do not know you , your life is priceless and I know how you feel but doing the same thing that was done that has caused us so much pain is not the way to go.... I am here to help if I am given half a chance ..... and YES I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL, I AM FEELING THE VERY SAME WAY...BUT TO LIVE IS BETTER THEN TO DIE AT YOUR OWN HANDS ... FROM SOMEONE WHOS HEART IS BROKE. TO SOMEONE WHO IS IN THE SAME PLACE ...Barbara*****

Well 2010 is here and another year that I don't want to celebrate without you Ronnie. When you left us in 2008 it was the worst year of my life and with each year that passes I feel further and further away from you. In the beginning when you left I saw signs of you being with me when I needed you. You have always been there when I needed you. But I wish you would have given me the chance to be there when you needed me. Things are so much worse in my life since you left and it just seems that nothing is getting better. I don't know what to do anymore. Seems like no matter what I do my life just gets worse and you aren't here and I need you so much. I really need one of your big bear hugs so badly. I have even thought and wondered if maybe you had the right idea. I'm so tired of having drama in my life. But I know I can't leave my 2 boys without a mommy. So I deal with my life and the pain that just keeps following me around and building and building since your death so many more painful things have happened too but none will ever hit me like the day you died. But I don't know how many times more I can be hurt. I'm so tired of feeling sad and bad and angry. I'm tired of people trying to tell me how I should feel and what I should do. I'm tired of people not letting me feel what I feel and not understanding that I have a right to feel this way. I miss you so much Ronnie. Please show me a sign that you are still with me. Help me follow the right path. help me stop people from hurting me and help me stop trusting the wrong people. Bring me some good to my life again. some kind of good luck I really need it right now. I don't understand why these things keep happening to me. I'm a good person. Why do I keep giving my love to the wrong people. I don't understand why you pointed me to someone and things happened the way they did. I guess I got your message wrong. I love you big brother. My Hero.

Hi. i lost my sister 2 weeks ago, she was 15 beautiful smart and oh so talented. i always told her she was going to be a rockstar because she was amazing on the guitar. she was my lil rockstar. and now, my lil rockstar is hopefully plain for the angels, i try to look at it in the best possible way but i cant. it came out of no where never did she give me any signs. we had just hung out the weekend before went shopping and to the movies. and then 3 days later my mom calls me with the worse news ever. now i dont know what to do. i dont know how to move on, i got a tattoo and a braclet and necklace in remembrance of her but i feel like i can do everything and nothing will bring her back, so whats the point?
thanks for letting me vent. take care and always remember you are not alone.

Does anyone else find it hard to go to a support group that is not specifically for siblings? I went to one and I can't go back. I lost my brother on April 12th 2009. I walked through the door at my mom's house and had been comforted by both my mom and dad for his lose. From the time we all pulled away from the huge my life changed yet once again. From that moment on I would be the one who comforts anyone. Now if I cry in front of my mom or dad because of my brother’s death, they ask me what’s wrong. I went with my mom in the morning of Christmas day to his grave site and after baring to much I broke. My mom asked me what was wrong. I stopped... How do I answer her without sayings “Are you kidding me, do I have to tell you... I realized that my relationship with my parents, especially with my mom is completely different/distant. I became the one that has to be strong. I get so mad at my brother for this... He took his life and I feel like he took my life with him.... I know I put myself in this position. I had to be the strong one (at least on the outside, I am a mess on the inside).
Because of what my life is like I can't sit in front of mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, cousins or girlfriends. I need to sit in a group of people/siblings, who feel the way I do.... I want to hear others have the same thoughts I do; I am left to be the only one to care for our parents, bury them, the only one to try to remember our childhood....
Thank you for letting me always share. This site has helped me in more ways then I could explain. But if there is anyone in the Baltimore/DC area who meets or would like to. Please email me.
I know I am not alone. I just want to share and hear from someone who knows what I feel.....

As I wake today, my heart aches for Mike and Matt - losing both of my brother's to suicide has crushed my spirit and will! As we face today, a new year - my global wish for each of us is to never feel alone. Peace to all.

my little sister left us on 7-2-09. i talked with her the night before. she was staying home getting ready to go to denver. cleaning, and packing, watching movies. she seemed normal. never mentioned anything on harming herself. she did seem kind of sad. she said her ex-boyfriend was playing games with her and she was tired of it. so i did my big sister thing. and told her how to get over it and it was going to be hard. then to cheer her up i was teasing her. she did laugh. and i said alrighty then..i'll call you in the morning. if i knew that would be my last conversation i would of handled things differently. i would of said i loved her. between the hours of 3-6 she took her life. i dont remember much of that morning on 7/2, i just remember i wanted her back. i wanted to scream her name and maybe she would come back. but i felt the emptyness and the lost feeling i have now. the first thing i wanted to do was join her. to be with her. i didnt want to be here anymore. but as the days went on, watching her children suffer and cry in pain, and seeing everyone hurt, as much as i was hurt. i realized thats not the way. i wouldnt want my children to go threw that. and neither would she. i realized i had to be here for my children and hers. suicide is such a horriable thing. the feeling of hopelessness. the feeling of going through things yourself. but if i would let everyone know. your never yourself. there is always someone how loves you more then you know. i cant bring my sister back. but i can keep loving her and remembering her.

I've been here before, many times, and keep coming back. I don't know what to say that would be different from all the things everyone else has thought, felt, shared... This horrible mess of my brother's suicide has been leading me to consider the same. I KNOW it's not the answer, and I KNOW it would leave others hurting, and I KNOW my pain will change. I've experienced days of reprieve. But with all the other things in my life--relationships broken, financial problems, stress from work, health issues--I can actually rationalize my brother's decision. I have people to talk to. I have my ways of crying and getting things out. But in the end, it doesn't change the fact of the circumstances. I wake up to another day where everything is the same. Always the same.

Sorry to see so many new people here, but glad you have found this place where you can share with others who have experienced this unfathomable loss. The rawness you feel in the beginning does abate, but it can take a long time. You think you cannot survive, but everyone here has. Let us be your hope. Keep writing. Seek help in your own communities. Know you are not alone.

:( I am new here , I wish that I had no reason to even visit or look at a thing called SIBLING SURVIVORS . But I do . November 17th 2009 my Sister (Who was 9 days from a year older then me) Shot herself,just a little past 6AM. She called me that same morning at 1:30 AM . We talked for almost an hour, I never had a clue she was even thinking about doing this and she said she would call me back when she got up and ready for work. At 7:04AM her 14 yr old daughter called me on her Moms phone and told me that her Mom was dead ; she shot herself. Thats when my Nightmare began... I COULD NOT BIELEVE SHE DID THAT; AND I STILL DONT . I am not in denial at all, I went straight to my sisters house and cops , counselers, and later the corener were there. I demanded that they let me see her , of course they said NO but I didnt give up and hours later after they had her in the coreners van I was told I could see her. Yea no denial just SHOCK. She never even mentioned suicide to me in her entire life. Turns out she did to someone else. I dont know what happens next. Anger is my strongest emotion, not at any person , not even my sister, angry that it happened knowing it didnt have to. NOW WHAT???? DOES THIS NASTY SHOCK EVER WEAR OFF?? THE PHONE CALL FROM MY NIECE KEEPS PLAYING IN MY HEAD ....

My baby brother died on January 1, 2009. I have no idea how to deal with the anniversary of his death. What are you supposed to do? How do you get through the holidays? I miss him terribly. I hate that I was not able to take the darkness from him, that I couldn't shoulder his pain.

It is so hard seeing everyone else in pain and trying to be strong. Don't forget to allow yourself to cry. It is good to cry and perfectly normal and it needs to be done. Don't be afraid to talk to your parents about how you feel. It has been 6wks since I lost my big brother and I wish I could tell you it gets better but this is a loss like no other. Just know you are not alone we all feel the same. The fog has lifted a bit for me but I still find myself doing things twice or forgetting to do things altogether. Hold close to your family and get the conversation going. Your dad's behavior is normal anger is a big part of grief. Just try to talk to each other. If you can't talk to them you need to find someone you can talk to.

I really dont know what to write it is now exactly a month since I lost my brother. I miss him so much and I feel like I'm living in this fog and I cant really do anything. I'm trying to hold it together for my family. My parents are divorced and we are all living together right now. My younger sister is still in shock and I don't know what shes thinking. My mom is crying all the time and my dad can't look at pictures of my brother and hes so angry and yelling all the time. I don't know how to do this. I need him back.

My brother committed suicide one year ago this week. It is the hardest thing to go through. I don't believe that this is something that you get over but it is definitely a journey that I wish I would have not had to go on. There are so many people in the world that have no one and if you can get outside of yourself and help someone else-as hard as it is-It does help. Sometimes I have been " I can't even get my needs met let alone someone else". However it would make me take a shower, get out of bed, and get dressed. I would be ashamed of myself for not being more eager to help someone else. This week I just want to sit and cry and think about "last year he was doing this" or last year I didn't have a clue what was about to happen. My brother was my rock and best friend. My parents are deceased and he was all I had left of my childhood memories. I think this week I will indulge myself and just be depressed and plan that next week I must have a new beginning. I will always carry him in my heart and if love could have saved him he would be alive today. My journey continues because there will never be the destination of being over this.

I lost my 15 year old little brother about two weeks ago. I cant and wont belive that he is gone forever. We were best friends and soulmates. How are you supposed to carry on without the other half of you? Please send an email if you would like to talk...

I have come to realize that it is going to take a long time and much help to feel better. I know my brother would not want me to be so upset. But it is as if the person I was no longer exists. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, I'm trying...

I lost my brother 2 months ago and I still feel horrible. I know it's so soon, but I fear that this pain won't dwindle. He was a part of me and I loved him so dearly. It saddens me so much to think that my future won't include him.

I'm sure your brother knew how much you loved him. I know the emptiness you are feeling I feel it too. It has been 5 wks since I lost my brother and he is my first thought every morning when I wake and the last every night when I lay my head on my pillow to sleep!! Stay close to your family and find someone you can talk to!

I lost my baby brother a little over two weeks ago. He was 23 years old. I love him so much and keep hoping he knew how much I loved him and that I would have done anything for him. I feel so alone without him and I miss him so much. A part of me is missing. I need him so much.

Hi Phyllis

My heart goes out to you, I remember my brother's first birthday without him... our first Christmas and New Year. No words can fully describe the pain we carry on days like these. A friend suggested that I make it a tradition on special occasions to do something special for him on each of these days, so I set about doing things in his memory. On his birthday, I put together a collage of pictures I had of his life - this holds a special place in our home for the world to see he was here. For Christmas, a friend made quilts of his clothing for my entire family. On my birthday, I sat watching videos of our time together. I make sure I spend dedicated time with Warren on each of these occassions and I know it makes him smile to know he has a place in my life still. Perhaps donate time or money on special holidays to a worthy cause in the name of your brother. Make this his last legacy rather than the act of leaving

One piece of advice that stayed with me was that you should prepare yourself for the day. Visualise how you may feel when you wake up. What you will do with your pain. This prepares you somewhat for the tough journey through special occasions. I told myself that if I survived the day we lost Warren, I'll survive any other day - come what may.

My prayers go out to you and everyone of us living with this pain and loss. Never forget that he is with you even now and that he could never have fully understood the pain that his death would cause. Given that insight, he would still be here with you today.

Take care...