I, too, have a piece of paper that says I am a crisis intervention but I couldn't do anything to save my brother either. I know the guilt that you have because I have it as well. We will never know if we could have made a difference.

I lost my brother 8 months ago. The pain is incredible. I miss him still every day. Some people lie and tell me it will get better....some people tell me that I will never be the same. I'd like to think that I will never be the same. I want to reach out, connect with others and recognize the pain in others.

I made a lot of mistakes with my brother. I have a silly little piece of paper that says I am certified in suicide intervention. There were lots of things I didn't do that I probably would have done for a stranger. I couldn't get past my own uncomfortable-ness to ask the direct questions. I didn't want to insult him by removing things he could use.

I didn't want to fight with him. Right now, I would give anything to be fighting with him...

There's my confession...much love to all of you. I hope we can all learn to like our new selves!!

this is for Soon To Go i am soo sorry you are living in hell now and i do somewhat understand your hurt, but for my brother he never ever seem to be suicidual and then one day he did it, i mean how is it that you can hide the feelings sooo well if you dont want to be here? i mean he was happy and picking out stuff for his birthday in October. i dont underdtand it? i have thought about commiting suicide myself after he did and couldnt imagine hurting my family the way he hurt us! i truelly hope you hurt eases, but from your story i know it wont until you end it yourself! just make sure your family that will be left knows that you love them! sorry not meant to be a mean comment just trying to understand

hello i was reading and i felt safe telling my story finally after almost 15yrs of my only real brother commmiting suicide at the age of 16yrs old. so here goes, it all started on a day of august 15, 1995, he had gotten in trouble for a couple of things and my stepdad and mom was mad at him, gave him the option of getting the grass cut or getting out, i remember my last thought and saying to him was "it was funny when he wouldnt be able to drive to school the next day" i guess the hardest part to me is never getting to tell him i loved him and not long before that wishing he die, because i was sooooo mad at him, for the dumbest thing, but heck i was 12yrs old. well anyways after him and my stepdad had got in an arguement, we had to go get my half sister, so we left him there alone, well he had cut the grass and got out. he had to have done it when he heard us pull in the driveway, he had shot hisself with a 4 10 shot gun in the mouth, on our back pourch. me and my stepdad found him, but it was too late he was gone! i can still picture him laying there with all the blood and the gun beside him. i have never delt with him being gone, i know he is but accepting it and talking about it i have never done even after 15yrs. i need help letting go of the what if's and why's! how do i get the picture out of my head of him laying there? i am soo tired of holding it all in and am ready to grieve finally. sorry if my typing isnt good but i am just trying to let it out Amanda

Clay, I was Matt's big sister and he was my little guitar playing brother. Even though we were 4 years apart, everyone said we were like twins. It's been 3 months and 8 days since he took his life. The 1st couple of weeks were nothing but numbness. Then I started feeling a little too good..ie: walking, exercising. Then...it kicked in..HARD!! Going over and over the actual suicide scenario. The text he sent me, why didn't he call instead of texting me " I love You"?? Why did he call my dad in Florida and shoot himself while on the phone with my dad? Why didn't he call me?? I WOULD have definately talked him through it like I did So many times. He knew he ALWAYS had a place with me, and no matter how tough anything in his life was... WE got through it!! We shared a love of music and everytime I hear a song we liked I burst into tears. I used to be a very spiritual person. I still believe in God but I can't pray anymore. So i started writing letters to God in a journal. I am very angry now. If ANYONE says ANYTHING negative about Matt I go completely nuts!! I wish I could dream about him, but I haven't had one dream yet. Sometimes out of the blue, it hits me and it feels like someone puched me in the stomach. I can't see any light at the end of this tunnel. I miss you Matt so much. How you made me laugh, all our movie lines, private jokes...you had so much life and made so many people happy..WHY????

just want to second that motion. The grieving process is unique to each individual. I really respect your wisdom and words... uniquely based upon each persons life experiences...
I found myself in my own bedroom closet an hour ago. Tonight that is where I found more comfort than anywhere else in the last handful of weeks. I will try it again if I am blue tomorrow. The first thought that came to mind while i curled up in there was the memory of my first night staying by my sister's bedside at the hospital. It took me two weeks after her stroke to make it there (I am a working musician and I struggled to afford the travel ticket to fl to her) The first night I curled up in a ball on the chair next to her hospital bed and slept there... I just wanted to be near her. The next two months I spent a lot of time moving her about transferring her from bed to wheelchair and tilting her back in the sun outside and playing guitar and singing to her. She couldn't speak or swallow or move exept for toes, so we had "yes" and "no" written on her socks. I would ask if she wanted me to keep singing, or if she wanted to be in the shade, etc...
Mariah I miss you soo much!!! I need my sidekick. I need my big sister. I need a hero again. I am so discouraged and lonely without you! I am so mad at God for letting you take your life. I needed you so much. I would have taken care of you forever. You only needed a little help at the end of it all. You were getting so well again. I need help letting go of you every day. Every night. I miss your encouragement and your faith in me. I miss your laughter. Your friend, Eric, wrote to tell me he wanted to name a daughter after you one day. ....Not if I beat him to it first! This sucks, I am hurting unbearably without you. Only God understands. I know that I don't. Sometimes I am too angry with Him to even spend time with Him. Its been 3 and a half months since you left. It hurts like yesterday. Bless you, my angel.

Hi DC

We all cope in different ways - it sounds so cliche, but there is no generic prescribed formula for loss. You may be in shock and denial right now.. and perhaps this will hit you later. You may also have better emotional coping mechanisms, more stable than the examples that you have had around you.

Either way, don't place any expectations or restrictions on yourself - you are human and your emotions are uniquely based on the life experiences that only you have had. Whether you are stronger than most or falling completely apart, your experience with your loss is as real as anyone else's, your love was as strong as any other siblings' and your journey to wellness is yours alone to navigate.

I pray that you remain strong, this is what we all strive for and what our siblings would have wanted for us... God bless.

I lost my little brother too just a couple of weeks ago. He was only 21yrs old. But I know he suffered from intense feelings of worthlessness and thoughts of suicide for a while. Although he had no reason for them. He was popular, handsome and adored by his family and friends. Of course, that doesn't matter. When you have those thoughts I imagine there is nothing you can do about it. He was recieving help but was intensely private, no one knew of his dark side but his immediate family and I believe none of us really understood or could understand what exactly he was feeling. He was doing sooo good for a while, had a new life that he was exciting about and there was no triggering factors. I think just a dark wave of this emotion one day reappeared and knowing him, he realized that he'd be "one of those people" who'd have to struggle and deal with it for the rest of his life. He always fought against that. And he decided he didn't want to be that. Everyone is worried about me because i was supposedly the closet to him. I don't know about that, but he was someone differnet to each person. To me he was my commrad, and i love him dearly and would of done anything for him, but what could I have done? I believe there is nothing that could have been done. If we somehow had managed to be there and prevented it now, would it happen again? Undoubtly you cannot watch someone 24/7. But as this is a sibling survivor site, how are all of you dealing. I feel weird because like I mentioned above everyone is expecting me to be comepletely devestated, which of course I am. But I feel no guilt, or anger like the grieving process is suppose to have. I do not dwell on it all the time. i cry when I feel sad. But I don't cry all day or anything, and i went without a whole week of not crying. And i feel like I should move on. I love him and believe that his life has not ended but is paused, and i will see him again. But is it normal to not be incompacitated by it, or am I fooling myself and will it's full impact hit me at a later date? I am worried about that.

Warren... I've been kidding myself for over two years that your death was the result of an impulsive moment of anger. I'm beginning to understand that you must have struggled with this decision for years. You probably thought that we would evetually learn to live without you.. We haven't. I miss you so much. I always felt very loved by you... just wanted you to know that:(

there are suicide survivor meetings in 2 locations in Vegas. to my knowledge they are not sibling specific, but in the beginning it just matters that you find people who are survivors like you.

http://www.survivingsuicide.com/support.htm

I am sorry for your loss. stay in touch here with the rest of us.

My little brother Matt took his life on Jan.6, 2010. He sent me a text on my cell phone at 3:31 a.m. It said " I love you". I always kept my phone right next to my bed, but for some unkown reason, the text didn't come through till 5:37 a.m. By that time he had shot himself. I am sick with grief knowing if that text had come through when he sent it, I could have talked him out of it as I did soooo many times before in the past. Matt was my only sibling. I am 46 and he was 42. Our mother died in 1997. We were best friends. I miss my best friend. I want to get another chance to get that text. I can't find a support group here in Las Vegas and I am so lost. Please pray for me.

Soon To Go, I hope you found some hope somewhere and that by sharing you were able to let go of some of your pain. I appreciate Kristen writing as she did to you because you shared something that people sometimes do not understand. I always have said my sister couldn't see beyond a few inches in front of her because her pain was so great. For those of you who have felt how Soon To Go felt the other night, I hope you find somewhere to reach out, to connect for help. Somewhere deep inside of us is hope but it's sometimes harder for people to find it.

It's been a little over two weeks since my brother died. I miss you. I want you back. So does everyone else.

Soon to go... you have helped us by giving voice to what some of our sibling were feeling. I have always known my brother died from the pain and exhaustion of too many secrets and too much alcohol.

more than once I sat in that moment. the difference between him and me was the word "wait." for some reason, that was not in my control, I was able to wait. I felt I lived my whole life in The Abyss, falling faster than the speed of light in the endless darkness.

I was fortunate to find someone 9 years ago who could finally treat my depression. I was in my mid-40s.

everything about suicide could be seen as selfish. those of us left behind can feel our sibiling was selfish. you feel we are selfish for wanting you to live at all costs. the truth of the matter is we are all trapped in a horrible place.

we, you and us, are all in an unimaginable place of pain, with no seeming way out.

know that I value you; that you have served others by writing into this site.

I am suicidal and it is very hard reading these stories, because your pain is very real. I want you all to understand why suicidal people make the final decision. We never want to hurt you. That's not the intention. Very simply, it is that we are in a level of pain you and the rest of your family WILL NEVER understand - a pain only death can stop. I know none of you will agree that there is enough pain a person can be in that they want to die to end that pain; but that's the difference between you and us. You are not in that kind of pain, you do not know it, it is alien to you, and you will never understand it. It's like being a person who has always lived here on Earth, which has the sun - and thus light and warmth. Imagine meeting a person from another planet where NO SUN EXISTS. All that person knows is blackness and cold. Try as you might to explain "we have something called the sun" - "it is warm and bright" - "it gives light and makes plants grow" - the other person cannot understand your words. Words like sun, warm, bright and light don't even exist in their vocabulary and when you say them, no image or feeling describing it appears in their heads. That's what it is like to me, and your loved ones, as suicidal persons, when you try to tell us not to die, to hang on, to go talk to someone, to call some hotline, that you love us, "hang in there", "cheer up"... none of that computes. What we see instead is a dark tunnel or small black room we are trapped inside, like an innocent condemned to prison while YOU get to go free... and we're in on the joke, and you are not and will never be. We belong to a sad fraternity, a condemned, cursed club - we didn't ask to join, we were shanghaied into it, snatched, kidnapped into it, often at an early age. It's like you were out playing as a child and one day a stranger came up behind you and snatched a black bag over your head, bagged you in it and stole you away to a prison island of black darkness and pain. We can see you banging on the glass, pounding your fists, crying to us to hang on... but your mouths move making only silence, and you're in a pool of something mysterious called light, which does not exist where we are. We never intended to hurt you. But sometimes It Is Not All About You. Often we are in a pain that won't end, and your shallow solutions from your island of light are meaningless. We know they won't work. We've tried them.



The only way out is death and we all know it. I hope tonight I'll have the courage to finally do what's been coming a long time. It hurts knowing my sister, brother and parents will be placed in the kind of agony I am reading in these awful, devastating stories here, but that agony in their near future IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THE FORTY-ONE YEARS OF IT STRAIGHT I HAVE ENDURED AND STAYED HERE THIS LONG ENDURING JUST TO KEEP THEM HAPPY.



How about US being happy once, for a change?:(

I went to the local shopping mart and got three pink balloons with helium today. One popped, which was ok, cuz I was left with two by the time I biked down to the river with a note attached to the balloons. I said my prayer, cried my tears, and let the balloons go and lay in the grass watching until they turned into one balloon... and then it looked like a star way up there and then I couldn't see them anymore at all. Thanks LM, I think I feel good about borrowing your tradition. Simple and meaningful, just like my sister. I spent the rest of the afternoon walking my dog, Sky by the river and blowing bubbles. The spring is bittersweet indeed. God bless the survivors.

I was just reading LM's post while on the phone with my dad (who is in Boston) He called me up to check on me, as we are both sensing Mariah's birthday: tomorrow April 1st. He sounded so sad. I am too. Just wasn't checking in with my feelings about it. I didn't know how soft I am right now. Halfway through LM's post, where she described writing the note and tying it to balloons of her brother's favorite color, I began to sob with my dad on the phone. Thanks be God to the kind hearts who shared suggestions and stories on celebrating/observing/honoring the birthdays of their brothers. ...brought me peace, for sure.

Clay, there are a few things you've said that I'm thinking about.

My brother suicided in July of 2008. First, I actually attended a Grief Share class from beginning to the end. At first, I felt like an outsider in a room filled with natural deaths, most of them of a spouse or parent. I felt like the church where I attended (and the group) didn't really sympathize with my loss or know quite what to say to me. But my faith is important to me and I stuck with it. I am glad I did. It really helped me a lot. I felt like I could find a place for my painful, upsetting loss in congruence with my belief in a loving, Higher Power. Our group was pretty big, though and when it was over, they just recycled the videos/course. It felt like a pretty big let down to be over. I had just started attending an SOSL (Survivors of Suicide Loss) group, so I kind of transitioned there. They have them all over and I would suggest you consider doing both. I found them equally helpful, but for different reasons. I like the SOSL group because I can still go back whenever I want or need.

Also, my brother's birthday just passed (again). Last year (and this), I bought balloons, his favorite color, and attached a message to it. Then I released it. This year, I also bought flowers for my home (also his favorite colors) in remembrance. When I released the balloon this year, it was from my patio where I ate dinner outside "with him" as I watched the balloon go. He loved being outside. I also bought a gift, only I gave it to a charity in his memory. I guess there are a lot of different things people do for birthdays of their loved ones. It helps to personalize it to you and to your sister.

I hope that helps... at least it would make me feel like the experience of my loss can be used in some small way to help others...

Wishing you peace,

LM

It's almost been a year. April 12th. I have been strong for everyone else. I have done everything everyone has asked of me. Now what….. How many things do I need to do to get him back???? I know I can’t, but hell. I keep busy enough. I hide enough of how I feel to console others, I make sure everyone else had tissues or someone to lean on. Will that bring Michael back. I know, I know…. I just can’t get out of my head the day I made him promise me he would never do something like this. He promised……. I told him whenever you feel this way just call me. Why, didn’t I get the phone??? Why did I not wake up??????? Dad told me to make him feel better that day; to fix it he said? I didn’t. I called told him we loved him, not to do anything Stupid…. Why would I leave a massage saying that? What if he thought I was calling him stupid…? I found out that things where better that night. He went out with his girlfriend to dinner with a bunch of friends…… What happened???? Why didn’t he just go to bed??????
He chose to leave and I am choosing to stay, but why do I feel that he lucked out? I feel distant from the world, from the family from my own mind and body. I want to be ok, for me, for my friends, for my husband. I can’t…………………………………………
Last year on Sunday March 29th was the last day I hugged and kissed him goodbye. The last time I said I love you in person. The last day I saw him alive. He took his life 14 days later. I miss being a big sister. I miss the dream of being at his wedding or holding his children in my arms or growing old togther. I miss those thoughts. I miss my baby brother.

It's been just over 5 years since I lost my "big" little brother. Loosing him was like loosing a brother, a father figure and a son all at once. We grew up in a house dominated by an abusive alcoholic, so we became each others protectors. I was often in the roll of trying to keep him out of trouble so we won't feel the wrath of the man who terrorized us... he often took the blame for things we both did. All this made our relationship muddled. He was the only man who I felt would always protect me... he gave me away at my wedding. But at the same time, I have always felt a responsibility for him that I can only liken to that I feel for my own boys. He was so much more than a brother to me. My mom says I should be grateful for this unique relationship we shared... what she doesn't realize is now that he's gone, it's like living without a limb.



Five years later, I've found a way to not only survive, but laugh and love again. I will never forget him. I carry him in my heart so I know he will always be safe. I wish I could hug him (or more accurately be hugged by him)... then I'd likely scream at him for leaving me and not telling me the truth. As his sister, I was supposed to protect him... but ultimately couldn't protect him from himself and the mess that was placed on him.



For anyone currently grieving a loss, I want you to know that you are not alone. And by God, no matter how impossible it seems, it does get... manageable. It will never be better. It will never be okay. It will never be normal. It just will be... and there will be room for more life. Hang on. Honor yourself and your feeling. Know you are not alone. Know there is light.