Nobody will ever figure that out. My brother (sitting in my living room) told me that the race was starting on TV. When I came out of the bathroom he was gone. He had walked down to the river and hung himself. Why? Where did that come from? We'll never know. We just try to get our minds around it and keep on loving each other.

WHY? Why the fuck did this happen?

This time of year is so tough dealing with our losses. In March, it will be two years that I lost my brother, Jim to suicide. I miss you so much, Jim, it really hurts so much!!! I just received a picture of his daughter, Kaylee from his wife and she looks so much like Jim. It is really bittersweet.

I'm so sorry to read all of the new posts from people just going through this terrible journey. May peace and blessings go out to all of you.

Christa

3 years on and i thought I was healing, I guess it is the silly season when we looose it. i wish people around us understood more but they have to live the pain to really understand. My bother n law is trying to tell me I a r going to loose my sister no way..................

Happy Birthday Marianne! I love you. It's been a little over a year since I lost you, but I am beginning to really live again.

I started thinking about the gifts your loss has given me. I know that sounds odd to look for gifts in your death, but everything has a gift you just need to open your heart to them.

Mom and I are closer than ever and I feel my love for her grow each day. You would proud of me in all I have done to take care of her. And I do it not because I have to, but because I want to. That is a gift.

Take care sweet sister and I’ll see you in my dreams.

Love,
Nancy

Friends - I want to share the following information with all...

The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting®, held annually the
second Sunday in December, this year Sunday, December 14, unites family and friends around the globe as they light candles for one hour to honor and remember loved ones who have died at any age from any cause. As candles are lit at 7:00 PM local time, creating a virtual wave of light, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor the memories of loved ones in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious, and political boundaries.

Sometimes I think I just won't make it without you... I love you Warren.

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along...

Hi Everyone,

I lost my older brother and sister to suicide. My brother passed away just over a year ago and my sister only a month ago. They were my heroes and my best friends, and I looked up to them and loved them more than anything in the world. My life, my heart, my identity have all been shattered. My history and sense of heritage and belonging, my future and my perspective on life -- obliterated. I feel empty and alone. I really don't know how anyone can bear this kind of pain. I have no other siblings left and I don't know how I can live with this pain and void for the rest of my life -- I'm only in my twenties. The intensity and enormity of the losses are too much for me to even process. I'm destroyed.

My heart goes out to everyone who has posted on here. I understand your suffering and I wish that none of us had reason to be visiting this site.

Love and light and hope to all.

It's totally okay to be negative some times...I get negative..A LOT. It's hard to be positive when you've lost your best friend plus your brother. It helps me to think that atleast I did get to enjoy such a great guy in my life for 21 years.

Thank you both for the snap back to reality... perhaps I get too negative and cynical at times. Ha! To be so jaded at only twenty two...

LC, I too lost my brother to suicide. He was my buddy. I was 5 months pregnant when he did it and i was the last person he spoke to. I was "for lack of a better word" devestated. So, I do completely understand how you feel because i was ecstatic about the baby and destroyed about my baby brother. it was unbelievable...i think of him every day. there is nothing that will make you feel better, but time will dull the pain a little. And slowly you will begin to smile when you think of him and you will get angry at times ...so angry at him....and that's ok. I believe in god, so talking to god for me is like a phone line to my brother...it helps me deal. please hang in there for the people that you love who are still here.

LC, before my sister-in-law found a group called sos for us to go to I didn't even try to get any help. because I thought I could get through this by myself. But me and my sister-in-law have been going to a group called survivors of suicide. It is the best thing I've ever been too. Theres all kinds of people there that know exactly how you feel and you can talk to them about anything. If you want to you can go online and see if there is a group you can go to near you. Its so different than going to a psychologist or anything else because it's just like hanging out with people that know EXACTLY how you feel. It has helped me sooo much! And about the God thing, I've just grown up in church and thinking there was a God. But if I hadn't grown up like that I probably wouldn't believe in God either. But if you ever do want to pray then God wants to hear everyone and he actually already knows what you are going through (you know if there actually is a God). I know you don't believe in God or whatever, and I don't judge anyone for that and hope no one judges me for my beliefs. But if you do want to talk to someone then talk to your brother! he can still hear you...or atleast that's what I believe. I hope you can find comfort somewhere!

I'm with the rest of you... it's fucked up that this happened to us and to our families.
It's only been two months since losing my brother and I just can't seem to cope with it. I can't get it into my head that my best friend is GONE and I'll NEVER see him again.
No matter who I talk to-- friends, family, doctors-- I find no solace. No one understands how I feel. I suppose that I don't even understand how I feel... Because of my beliefs, I find no comfort through religion or hoping he's in heaven, etc. I simply feel lost.

My boyfriend and I had been discussing becoming engaged for several months (well before Jimmy's suicide) and decided to announce it to our families at Thanksgiving. I have been a total basketcase since we became engaged. Part of me is ecstatic, part is so deeply destroyed that it kills me.

I guess I don't really know why I keep writing on this site. It sort of helps to vent, but really the only thing that will make anything better is to have my brother back. It's wonderful that all of you find comfort through prayers to your God, whichever god it may be, but I simply don't have that. Who can I pray to... Satan?

Compounded with my existing mental conditions, the loss of my brother is just too much to handle. My mind is on overload. I just want to disappear and pretend that none of this ever happened.

Mary.....

I felt it was important to respond to your message posted on Thanksgiving. First, I am sorry for your sadness; especially with the holidays here. I lost my sister on 11/18/07 to suicide and i am lost without her. She was my bestfriend. Mary I will keep you in prayer asking god to help make these days not so dark for us.

I am totally with the last poster, feels like a sick dream eh?

What a fucked up thing to happen to anybody, I tell you what.

Mary, I know how you feel. I've cried most of this thanksgiving. I am sooo sorry for your loses! Just know that they are watching over you and that they have a hand in every happy, good thing in your life!

It's Thanksgiving day and I sit here alone. I've lost both of my beautiful brother's to suicide and I'm left behind on this fucked up earth. Brother's Mike and Matt, I understand why you died to BE FREE. All of my unending love forever to you both. Your sister, Mary

In Loving Memory of My Brother MATTHEW THOMAS DANIEL. Dearest Matt, one year ago today you made the choice to BE FREE. My heart still bleeds for you. I LOVE YOU and MISS YOU BROTHER!!! Rest in peace. All my love, your sister Mary.