Olivia, I'm so sorry to hear of your second loss. The blows keep coming to me, too, but I don't want to get into that...

Jimmy,
For some reason I like to torture myself by wearing your clothing... I keep a bunch of your shirts in your old dresser (I love that we've had those two dressers since we were babies) to retain your scent and I try not to wash them until they reek. I still have a bunch left unworn, but I suppose your scent will eventually fade from all of them. I'm currently in your gray, long-sleeved Lacoste polo; your scent is strong and brings tears to my eyes.

Fuck. I can't even describe this feeling to you, Jimmy. I don't know what else to say right now. I don't know what else I CAN say; my brain has gone... not numb, but it lost its ability to function.

I love and miss you tremendously,
Lisa.

Gosh not only did my brother take his own life 6 months ago, but my preacher died on my 21st birthday- January 5th. Do the blows ever stop coming? I've realized how harsh life is lately. I guess I just was living this great life until one day it all came crashing down. Does any of this really get better? It's just getting worse for me. I can only pray and hope and believe in something higher than myself. Because I cannot do this on my own. This is fucking hard.

I hold no religous beliefs, on the contrary I now live instead in complete and perpetual disbelief.

But I think I know what the last poster is getting at - maybe a parallel Universe does exist. I seem to have fallen through a hole in the ice into some sort of horrific parallel world where my brother did something so wildly unthinkable. The only important question now is how to get back home again? How to find the hole and swim back towrads to the light, before i drown in grief.

Perhaps the reason we find death so unbelievable, so fucking, completely, unacceptably incomprehensible, is because we don't die. The mind, the body, the depths of the soul - every inch of our skin, finds this death so utterly repulsive, nauseatingly sickening, that we surely have to contemplate the possibility that it is NOT meant to be, it does not exist on it's own. There is an alternative.

Because if death is the most natural thing on Earth why do i feel like a fucking Martian? Why do i wake in the night, gasping 'Mybrotherhas gonemybrotherhasgonemybrotherhasgone' over and over? Why does my heart continue to threaten to give in? And if this has really happened then anything is possible - so what's next?

hi i'm new to this sight but i felt compelled to say something to whoever will receive my message. they say if something is truely given, it will always be recieved. so here it is...
about 3 years ago i tried to kill myself, my sister was due home from overseas that same week and for some reason i still was inverted enough to go through with it. i love my sister and it wasn't until 35minutes ago when i found this site i realised how much it must have devostated her. we havent really talked about it. though i apologised to her & my family. i would like to share with everyone out there who lost someone this way... it may sound a little strange and untangible, but if you have an open mind please i encourage you to read on...

the light and life source or soul whatever you call it,is indestructable! i descovered this when i woke up in intensive care ward, taking the biggest gasp of air and opening my eyes wider than i had ever before.. i thought i woke in the world i had tried to leave... though every day am realising it looks the same feels, smells, tastes & sounds the same but its not. i know its actually a pseudo reality. yes strange it sounds i know.. but please i emplore you to read on... dont ever believe the person you have lost is gone.. "the powers that be" are more incredible than we beleive them to be. there's always a plan b and if that is bungled... well i know from experiance there's more backup plan b's than we could imagine. life here IS a state of concsiousness!!! the person who where you are is thought to have "taken there life" or the "s" word is actually,.. like me living out the rest of there journey in another sub reality.just like you,who are living out your journey in the reality you were "born" into. you see
"nothing unreal exists and nothing real can be threatened"
and there in lies the peace of us all. death is impossible in truth for the light/soul is eternal! it can be shrouded but never and i repeat never can be extinguished! never hold yourself in a moment in which it appears there is no light,know that the light is shining somewhere still!even if you cant see it in your immediate world/reality..
always remember this as truth! even though some may say your insane.. i know your not!
know this truth i share with you and in that set yourself and your brother/sister/ friend/parent
FREE!
we make mistakes and thats ok.. if we were perfect we wouldnt be here... so if you too are a survivor we make mistakes and thats ok.. if we were perfect we wouldnt be here... so if you too are a survivor at either end of the happening,take a deep breath shed a tear if you need... then hold your head up high, open your eyes and know we all make mistakes, have no fear so that the next step you take will be in truth,light&love and towards a future where the possibilities are really endless!! and you can really start exercising your GUILTLESS untapped potential! no one is ever not given another chance!!
even after a setback,see free will is an oppertunity to practice what we really are.
see your world like you're in training camp you might say we're studying correspondance for a masters in excellence.your here and i'm there and our unextinguishable lights are learning all the way home.
thankyou for letting me shine a little light on a topic so misperceived by so many! i am greatful to be in my reality which ever one your in, make it nothing less than the light&love filled one we all have the right to grow up and out from. love and light to you all lisa*

hi i'm new to this sight but i felt compelled to say something to whoever will receive my message. they say if something is truely given, it will always be recieved. so here it is...
about 3 years ago i tried to kill myself, my sister was due home from overseas that same week and for some reason i still was inverted enough to go through with it. i love my sister and it wasn't until 35minutes ago when i found this site i realised how much it must have devostated her. we havent really talked about it. though i apologised to her & my family. i would like to share with everyone out there who lost someone this way... it may sound a little strange and untangible, but if you have an open mind please i encourage you to read on...

the light and life source or soul whatever you call it,is indestructable! i descovered this when i woke up in intensive care ward, taking the biggest gasp of air and opening my eyes wider than i had ever before.. i thought i woke in the world i had tried to leave... though every day am realising it looks the same feels, smells, tastes & sounds the same but its not. i know its actually a pseudo reality. yes strange it sounds i know.. but please i emplore you to read on... dont ever believe the person you have lost is gone.. "the powers that be" are more incredible than we beleive them to be. there's always a plan b and if that is bungled... well i know from experiance there's more backup plan b's than we could imagine. life here IS a state of concsiousness!!! the person who where you are is thought to have "taken there life" or the "s" word is actually,.. like me living out the rest of there journey in another sub reality.just like you,who are living out your journey in the reality you were "born" into. you see
"nothing unreal exists and nothing real can be threatened"
and there in lies the peace of us all. death is impossible in truth for the light/soul is eternal! it can be shrouded but never and i repeat never can be extinguished! never hold yourself in a moment in which it appears there is no light,know that the light is shining somewhere still!even if you cant see it in your immediate world/reality..
always remember this as truth! even though some may say your insane.. i know your not!
know this truth i share with you and in that set yourself and your brother/sister/ friend/parent
FREE!
we make mistakes and thats ok.. if we were perfect we wouldnt be here... so if you too are a survivor we make mistakes and thats ok.. if we were perfect we wouldnt be here... so if you too are a survivor at either end of the happening,take a deep breath shed a tear if you need... then hold your head up high, open your eyes and know we all make mistakes, have no fear so that the next step you take will be in truth,light&love and towards a future where the possibilities are really endless!! and you can really start exercising your GUILTLESS untapped potential! no one is ever not given another chance!!
even after a setback,see free will is an oppertunity to practice what we really are.
see your world like you're in training camp you might say we're studying correspondance for a masters in excellence.your here and i'm there and our unextinguishable lights are learning all the way home.
thankyou for letting me shine a little light on a topic so misperceived by so many! i am greatful to be in my reality which ever one your in, make it nothing less than the light&love filled one we all have the right to grow up and out from. love and light to you all lisa*

Hi All,

I know I've been away from here for a while. I'm not sure if it's been purposeful or not. Regardless, I, like all of you, still think of my brother every day.

I often find myself wondering how best to answer the question I get (and will still get) when meeting new people, "how many siblings do you have?" I always answer as though my brother is still here. He is my brother. He will always be. But for some reason I feel I have to explain, to honor him, by telling them he's not here anymore. I feel like I have to tell them of the injustice of anguish he suffered while he lived. I feel like I have to tattoo it to my forhead, "I'm grieving... and it's a SUICIDE!" But then there's times like tonight with friends, meeting their friends and the conversation somehow turns to the fact that I "lost" my brother this past summer. "Oh, I'm sorry. How did he die?" Suddenly, their demeanor, and even their sympathy, changes when you answer "he died by suicide," or "he killed himself." As if things would be sad and understood if you said, "Oh, he had cancer," or "oh, he died in a car accident," or even, "he was murdered during a carjacking." Not that those aren't equally tragic, but why is it there is so much stigma with suicide? Yeah, it's awful, but why do survivors have to be made to feel worse by "the s word?" It stops the air flow in the room as everyone holds their breath trying to find some escape to avoid the elephant in the room. Aren't we equally worthy of condolences? Afterall, it's not US who killed our siblings!

Sorry... just something to get off my chest in a place I know at least some will understand.

May all of you find peace!

Stumbled on this site by accident. There is mention of Survivors of Suicide. I used to work for a voluntary group and know that SoS did good work. Better than the Samaritans, because they are specialist.
Many suicides are due to depression. If a sibling had it, there is more than the usual chance you suffer from it also.
Take care of yourself - balanced diet, plenty of vitamin B, not too much alcohol, get exercise.

Yes, Tusk, I feel the same way. As soon as midnight arrived, it hit me like a semi truck. It's almost the thing that solidifies it in our minds that it is, in fact, true. It really DID happen.

It fucking sucks... it's the saddest thing in the world, really. People keep saying that time will make it easier, but I really only believe that time will make it DIFFERENT. No longer a shock, but still as painful... I believe that our "2009 epiphany" is, perhaps, a look at what we have in store for the rest of our lives. I don't know if it's possible to prepare ourselves, but who knows.

I had more thoughts to add to this, but my mind is rather preoccupied, as I'm sure yours is as well. I guess all I can say is that I wish you and everyone else here the best of luck in our impossibly difficult futures. We know better than most people in the world how important it is to cherish the people we love; If nothing else, focus on that.

As Nico sang: "Everybody will help you discover what you set out to find, but if I can save you any time... Come on, give it to me; I'll keep it with mine."
We'll have to take care of each other, here.

Just can't believe how this could have ever happened. Why does someone feel that death is the answer. I will miss my brother terribly but will never stop wondering why he felt the need to escape life. Happy New Year?? At least not this one.
I know I will see you again but it hurts not having you here!

This message is to each person that visits this site who tragically has lost a loved one(s) to suicide...
From my heart to yours, I wish you more peace in your heart in 2009 than you ever thought possible. In loving memory of both of my beautiful brothers, MIKE who I lost in 1981 and MATT who I lost in 2007. FOREVER LOVING YOU BROS!!!

Dear Remly,
It dawned on me today that you won’t be in 2009. There will be no new stories about what you did or said, or where you were or what you were doing after 2008. There will be no more phone calls out of the blue (“Hey Tusk!”), no more visits, no more excuses for missing birthdays or Christmas or family gatherings. This is the last time that myself or any of us who love you, will spend in the same year with you. From now on, any of us who say “Remember when Rem…” it will be from here on back. 2009 will exist in our lives without you. We will all have new stories to experience and share with each other, but this is the last year that you will be included.
I also have to say that I’m so sorry. I didn’t really understand you, although I thought that I did. All those years together, and to think that I didn’t understand where you were at destroys me. I didn’t know that you were dancing on the edge at the end. I didn’t know that you were looking at yourself as a loser and that you felt no hope that you could ever change that picture. I knew you were getting older and were having problems, but in my mind you were still young enough to change course, adapt, and find a new direction. You had started over so many times before, that I thought you were just home to recharge your batteries and then start something new – like always.
I didn’t know that you couldn’t face starting over again. I didn’t know that your future seemed so pointless to you. I didn’t know that your life seemed so worthless to you. I didn’t know that you could do this. I didn’t know Rem, I didn’t know.

Christmas today Rem, but not very Merry. Time is doing it's work on the wound of your death - it no longer takes my breath away just to think of it - but there are still days where I can't shake the depression, and today was like that. Aside from the normal reminders of you around the apartment, everything about today is about family, family, family. It makes your absence even more wrenching in this context.
I'm not sure what, if anything, happens when your life here on earth is over, but at the very least I hope you are at peace.
I miss you brother,
Tusk

Merry Christmas, Jimmy. I can't say it will be a merry one for us as the first without you.

To everyone here, please try to enjoy yourselves; if nothing else enjoy your family and your friends. And we can probably count on our brothers and sisters to be in heaven or elsewhere exchanging stories about us.

Love and peace to you all.

Merry Christmas Ronnie, I miss you sooooo much! This is the hardest Christmas I have ever had in my whole life. Every year from now on it will be a bitter sweet Christmas and I know it will actually get harder as I lose more family members to death when their time comes for them to be with you once more and meet GOD.

It has been a hard couple of weeks lately but I know when you are watching over me by your signs that you give me and that I ask you for every night.

Thank you for being with me on the drive home last night when I needed a smile and the Grandma got run over....song came on. I had to smile remembering how you and I reacted the first time we heard that song. I could hear your wonderful contageous laugh (in my head) that you have when something really tickles you. An immediate smile it gave me last night at just the right time I needed it. It also reminded me of the time we all cracked up together while shopping for Christmas that year we found those hilarious Christmas mugs. I know you remember them, You got the Bah Hum Shit one and I still have mine - the one with Ruldolph holding a mug and the wored Hic all the way around the mug and then on the other side the picture on him again saying Bingle Jells! Every time I open my cupboard and see that mug I smile and think of that day we found them in the store and we were cracking up so bad we had tears in our eyes and our stomaches hurt so bad!
I know now that I need to keep thinking about those kinds of memories and stop obsessing over the bad memories of the days right before you took your life. I know I will never ever be able to get that day that Craig came home and told me I needed to Call Mom and the awful feeling I had that became the sharpest pain I have ever had when instead of Mom telling me what I thought she was going to tell me that it was Grandma or Dad and it ended up being the most shocking thing I never would ever have believed that it was you who was already gone.

I try not to let the replay button get stuck on that day but sometimes it gets stuck there.

We all still need you here to help us through the drama that is continuing in our lives since you died. Please watch over us as you always did and help us to be strong. Give us signs when you are with each of us so that we can feel your strength of your big bear hug arms holding us close.

When Evan hugs me it is almost as if I am hugging you, he is so much like you. Please nudge him into the lighted path and not the dark path that you ended up on. He is such a good boy and so caring and so like you that he is following in your rebellious footsteps just as you did when you were 18! Although I loved your adventurous ways and we had some good times please don't let Evan make the mistakes that you made in taking things too over the top and getting into trouble he can't get out of.

We all love you so much and miss you so much. Please help your Mandy bear through this hard time she is having with the man in her life. I know you didn't approve of him but she does love him so much and I know deep down he is a good person. You know that I dealt with the same issue with Craig and I know that it was a long road. Please nudge him into talking to Craig and working this out for Manda's sake if it is really meant to be. I know that no one would ever be good enough for your Manda bear just as you felt about Me. Manda has a smart head on her shoulders and I know you taught her to be the strong person she is. I trust in her judgement but she still needs you to guide her with your loving Daddy wisdom.

I'm glad you're at peace now and that GOD had to send the angel of mercy to you because he didn't want you to hurt anymore, but it is still so painful and hard for me to stop longing for you,your voice, and your wonderful bear hugs.

"Loves you" XOXOXOXOXO - Kris

Jonathan, Christmas is going to be sooo hard without you here. I have never woken up on Christmas morning without you there to enjoy presents with me. I know you are having the best Christmas in heaven, but my Christmas' just wont ever be the same. Miss you and Love you soo much!

I lost two siblings and I recently started a blog about grief. If anyone is interested, you can find it at: http://thisfuckingmortalcoil.blogspot.com/

It's pretty raw, but so far it's been a helpful outlet for what I'm experiencing. I encourage everyone to write down what they're feeling, whether it's in a journal or right here in this online forum. It's inspiring to read everyone's posts here, and although words are never sufficient to explain our feelings, writing is a source of release that helps take the edge off. Love to all of you.

We have had a local tragedy that involved a suicide in the news this week. People read thier papers and then want to discuss why someone would commit suicide. I know they think I should be able to give them an answer, but it makes me so angry. I come here and read your posts and it makes me realize that I am not alone. Although my family talks about the great memories we have of my brother, no one discusses how he died or what it has done to our family. I can bearly remember what life was like before April 2005.
Thank you all and I wish you all the peace of the Christmas season.

"No matter how hard life seems or how hopeless a situation seems - suicide is never the answer. The only way to get through is to reach out to someone - anyone doesn't even have to be family or friends. There is always someone out there that will talk to you and listen to you and help you, but no one can help you if you don't reach out to anyone."

If only we could go back in time and make sure our loved ones understood those words! They seem so simple and straightforward from our perspective - how could my brother NOT know that I would spend every moment of my life helping if he had only reached out and said "help"? I struggle constantly with the fact that I saw him every day, yet had no idea that he was capable of doing this.

Dear Nobody and everyone,

Even knowing the why's doesn't make it any easier to deal with. On Dec. 30th it will be 5 months since my brother took his own life. I know most of the details as to why he felt it wasn't worth living anymore - there are a lot of really screwed up details revolving around the my brother's suicide. But even knowing most of the details as to why he thought being dead would be better than being alive anymore don't make it any easier to deal with the fact that he did it, how he did it, or even that he isn't agonizing over anything anymore. Nothing will ever make it better for me or easier for me to accept that he is gone and I can never hear his voice, his laughter, see his smile, feel his great big bear hugs.....it is an emptiness that will always be with me. I have told so many people that the day he took his life my life was forever changed. I can no longer ever be completely happy or even as happy as I could ever be because a part of me died with him that day. My love for him will never die and yes I do have times when I can smile about something he and I shared. I thank GOD for every day that I am alive and can be with my kids and enjoy the happiness they give me, but it is bittersweet because there is never a day that I will not think of or miss my brother for the rest of my life. The only thing I can do is make sure that my brother didn't die in vain and use it as a reminder to never ever get out of touch with my loved ones and to make every effort to show how much I love my family and friends and let them know that no matter what I am here for them if they ever need me no matter the time of day or night. No matter how hard life seems or how hopeless a situation seems - suicide is never the answer. The only way to get through is to reach out to someone - anyone doesn't even have to be family or friends. There is always someone out there that will talk to you and listen to you and help you, but no one can help you if you don't reach out to anyone.

I love you Ronnie, I miss you every day, I am not mad at you and I forgive you for the mistakes and bad choices that you made. I know that in the end you were not yourself and although your choice to end your life brings me sadness and pain I am glad that you are not agonizing over the problems anymore. I know you are at peace now and that does give me comfort, I just wish things could have happened differently. I will be with you once again when it is my time to leave this worldly existence.

Peace and love to all of you here,
Kris

Hugh, my brother did basically the same thing. my mom went to use the bathroom and i went to put my shoes on and then he just left and went in our woods and hung himself. it's definitely not logical and none of it makes sense. I still can't wrap my mind around it.