Dear Community,

I am photographer from Germany currently staying in New York. I am working on a portrait project about suicide survivors and relatives that lost their loved ones to suicide. If you are interested in participating in the project please send me an email and I will send you some more information and some pictures I have already taken. Thank you.

Dear Community,

I am photographer from Germany currently staying in New York. I am working on a portrait project about suicide survivors and relatives that lost their loved ones to suicide. If you are interested in participating in the project please send me an email and I will send you some more information and some pictures I have already taken. Thank you.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAR BROTHER MATT. Mom, dad and I miss you terribly and love you deeply!
Forever in our hearts,
Your sister Mary

It has been two years since my brother jumped off the Mackinac Bridge in Michigan. I still get so angry over the waste of his life. And I still miss him as much as if I had just found out yesterday.
Much love, my brother, much love.

thanks debs for you message, it's hard to believe there are so many of us in the same boat.

H of 'this fucking mortal coil' if you're out there, i am watching your blog but it won't seem to let me leave a comment, will keep trying XXX

Dear xxx....
I know exactly how you feel. It's been 4 years since my sister, Terry, left us and not a day has gone by that I haven't thought of her. Of course like you I wish I could go back to that day. I could tell her how her decision affected not only her children, but everyone in our family. I'd like to think that if she could have seen into the future, she would have made different decisions. I miss her and think of her everyday.

Today is 8 months exactly since my brother died, and already nobody talks or seems to think about him. Which is amazing to me because the hole he left is so vast that to me it is unavoidable, and i fall into it every single day when i wake up and spend every moment of the day trying to climb out. But the edges are always too slippery.

If the clock turned back 8 months and I called him the moment before he died i would tell him not to do that. i would tell him what a tedious and dull place the world is without him and i would tell him how quiet it is without the sound of the laughter he created every day. i would remind him about all the friends and family he loved and that for them to live without his love and protection would make their lives feel more empty. i would tell him that his son would soon be at an age where he could connect better with him. i would tell him there were plenty more pretty fish in the sea and that another girl would be along before he knew it. a much better one. i would tell him it would be unfair to make mine and mum's lives so heavy and burdensome and cruel to take himself away from us. i would tell him he had so much that so many wanted. i would tell him the darkest hour is always just before the dawn and to just hold on a moment longer and all would soon be well again. i would try to explain to him that by killing himself he would not get rid of the pain he felt but only pass it on to me, like the old clothes he used to hand down. i would tell him it was not an option.

And he would listen, and he would say 'you're right, I know you're right, thanks t, i'll call you later'.

Of course he wouldn't though, he never had any credit on his phone.

The last 8 months have felt like a permanent headache, i wish you all better luck with your journeys than i am having on mine.

Ronnie, I can't believe it has been since months since you died. It still feels like it was yesterday that I heard the news and I still feel like it is all a bad dream or soap opera and that someone helped you fake your death so that you wouldn't be in trouble for your part in the problems that led to your death. I don't blame you at all for what happened because I know that you were not yourself and I don't have proof yet but deep down I know that the woman you were involved with had you hooked on drugs. I can't keep my hatred feelings for her in anymore. I want her to be found guilty for molesting your oldest son as she should be and put in jail for the rest of her life. I can't believe that she has the gall to think she was your best friend. If it wasn't for her you wouldn't be dead! I have written an email to her and have not sent it yet. I don't know if I will or not. I know that a lot of our family doesn't want me to have any contact with her but I cannot keep these feelings bottled up anymore. I plan to show this email draft that I have to my therapist on Wednesday. I thought maybe if I put it down in a concrete way that I would feel better to have my feelings typed out and out of my head but it doesn't make a difference because I still have this hatred for her and my need to let her know exactly how I feel will never go away until I send that email. I know if you wouldn't have been in the state of mind that you were that you wouldn't have gotten involved with her. I know the real you and I'm sorry that I didn't realize that the real you was dying inside for so long. I miss you so much and please forgive me for not seeing the signs and doing something about them before it was too late. I know you don't blame me and I know that is why you didn't call me because you didn't want me to feel responsible for not being able to save you and you didn't want me to feel all the pain that you felt. I understand why GOD sent the angel of mercy to you but I can't agree with the way that your pain had to end. I'm being selfish because I want you here with me on earth. I want you to still be alive so I can hug you and laugh with you. I want you to be here for Amanda's wedding. We all miss you and still need you! Please help us to deal with this pain and emptyness that you have left behind. I am so sorry you felt so alone and in pain and that there was no other way out. You had so much more to live for and so many good things to experience too. I know that I have to live on and be here for my family my kids and my husband but I hate the fact that it is going to be a lifetime for me before I get to be with you again. Please keep sending me signs when you are here with me. And please if you can Please find a way to get your messages to us when we need you the most. If you can please send me a message by giving it to Lisa Williams. I need to be in contact with you I need more answers. I love you forever and eternally. Please give us some of the peace that you have now so that we can continue on without you because it is soo hard to even want to go on without you. You will always be my hero and I wish that I could have told you that before you died. "Loves you" Kris

Sandy and Nina,

first let me say I am sorry for your losses. It has been almost 6 months since my brother slit his wrist and killed himself. I also found out a few weeks after we had his memorial services that he had donated a "generous" amount of blood the day before he killed himself. I still can't believe that he did it. It is still hard to believe that it is true that it isn't a mistake or a plan that someone helped him do to get him out of the trouble that he was in that caused him to feel like he was so trapped and there was no way out but to end his life. I keep thinking maybe like a bad movie or soap opera that someone helped him fake his death even though I saw him in the casket and I touched him and held my hand on his chest over where his heart would be and he was just cold and hard. Our love for them and the person that they were before they became troubled and depressed is what makes us want to believe that it isn't true. But unfortunately the reality is that they did and there is nothing that anyone could have done to stop them from doing what they did. When a person gets to that point where they feel so trapped and feel like it is so hopeless they lose themselves (the real them) and they can't see past the problem at hand and they make a permanent decision for a temporary situation. I am not going to tell you as many people do that it is going to get better because in my eyes nothing can ever be better because one of the most important people in our lives is gone and won't ever come back. But it becomes different. You come to the point where it doesn't take your breath away every time you think of them. And the rerun of the day they killed themselves doesn't replay in your mind as much as it did in the beginning. The why's that you have are still there but you eventually get to the point where you realize that you just won't ever get the answers to the why's. One thing that has helped me is to pray to GOD every night. Another is to talk to my brother as well and ask him to be with me and to show me signs when he is with me and I have had many unmistakable signs that he has been with me when I have needed him most.
Sandy as far as your parents go, I found this sibling site from one of the main suicide sites and there is supposed to be a site like this for parents as well because each of us had different relationships with our loved one and our grief is different for each of us. I have not been able to find a group yet that I can go to but I do have a therapist that I see that helps me a lot and she also believes that our loved ones are all around us and if we pay attention there are signs that they give us to let us know when they are near. There are times when I can share my grief with others and there are times when I need my own time to completely let go and let all of my grief flood out for as long as it takes and once I do that I do feel a little bit better. There are times when I just can't keep controlling my grief and it just has to come out so I allow myself to feel it when it needs to come because if I don't then eventually it will burst out and hit me harder than it would if I just dealt with it when I first felt it. I also understand how you feel Nina when you say how can GOD do this to me. I felt the same way at first. But I have come to realize that GOD did not want my brother to anquish and suffer anymore and decided that it was time for the angel of mercy to come and take my brother to heaven where he could be free from his pain. I don't agree with the way that my brother was taken from me but I cannot question GOD's reasons because I know that he gives us lessons in life. I have taken this as a lesson to myself that I need to keep in touch with my family and friends more than I used to. I need to be thankful for all the love that I have and let everyone know as much as I can how much I love them and need them and not take them for granted. I hate the fact that I can't see or feel or hear my brother anymore, but I know eventually I will be with him again. I keep a shirt that I have of his in a rocking chair like he is sitting there and I bought a bottle of the cologne that he used to wear (Stetson) and I sprayed a little on it. I take his shirt every night and hug it and smell it and say good night to my brother and it helps me to feel closer to him. The other thing is that if you are taking care of other people you have to remember that they have to grieve in their own way and I had to do this with my mom because I kept feeling frustrated because she is not dealing with one of the problems that still exists - one of the reasons he killed himself- but I had to step back because I kept giving my mother a hard time trying to make her see what needs to be done but she has her right to feel the way she does and if she is not ready to deal with the truth then I can't force her. She has to do it in her own time. The best thing we can do is be there for each other and know that we love each other and say it often and sometimes it just a matter of needing to listen to someone let out their grief and other times we may need to give advice for support. No matter what there is no blame and there is no wrong thing it is OK to feel what we feel whenever we feel it no matter what and no one has a right to judge anyone else. Only GOD has the right to judge us.

GOD bless you both and may you have peace, love and support.

Ronnie - I think of you every day and miss you so much. You have always been and will always be my hero and the best big brother a sister could ever have. I used to love New Years but I hated it for the first time in my life this year. I can't say happy new year to anyone because I know that I will never have a happy one again. For me my happy new years stopped with 2008. I wish so badly that I could turn back time so that we could help you to see that you were never alone and your life was worth so much to all of us. We have always loved you and always will no matter what. We all made mistakes but it never stopped our love for you. Please forgive me for being so petty and not making more of a effort to call you to get you to finally answer my calls. I always felt like you would call eventually. I wish I would have known what you were going through because I would have been there for you as you always were for me. I know that you tried to keep me out of it and you didn't want me to know so that is why you stopped calling me. I know you didn't want to hurt me I just wish you would have known that you could have told me anything. I would have done everything I could have to help you out of the problems. Please forgive me for getting angry and not seeing that it wasn't the real you that made the mistake and that you needed professional help. I wish we wouldn't have been so many states apart from each other because I would have seen and known that you needed someone. I promise I will look after your kids. I will be there for Amanda when she gets married this year. I will be there for Evan when he graduates this year. I will be there for Justin and all of them whenever they need me. I love you big guy. Bear hugs to you. XXXXX

My family is in denial.
I can't believe that she could do something so complete, it stills doens't make any sense to me. It just doesn't look right. It is so final.
I can't believe that God would do this to me.

Sandy, I have found that going to survivor of suicide meetings have helped a lot. Maybe you and your parents could find a group near you and go to that. I've also realized from going through this grief myself, that it is important to take care of others, but most importantly yourself. I've never been a selfish person before but after my brother commited suicide I just realized that it is too hard when you are going through your own grief to cater to others constantly. I've had a similar experience, not only having to take care of my parents but also a lot of other people too. It is really hard to take care of other people and make sure they are okay when you need to be okay yourself. Make sure you are healing before taking on others grief. I've found myself worrying and fretting over my parents constantly and how they are doing. I've also found myself worrying about friends and extended family. I always worry that others will become depressed and commit suicide...and it affects my life negatively. In a survivor of suicide meeting I attended, someone made a statement that kind of stuck with me. He said, you cannot control the way others think, feel, or act...you can only control the way you think, feel, and act. It is important to take care of your parents, just make sure you are also taking care of yourself. Also, maybe be open with your parents about the way you feel. Maybe tell them that it is hard feeling like you have to take care of them all of the time. They may not realize the burden that you are carrying.

My younger brother committed suicide at the age of 45 in November. I found him. He had shot himself in the mouth. It has been very difficult for my parents and I find myself feeling like I must take care of them now. Any advice would be appreciated.

Mandy, thanks for teh post about the candles. Today has been 6 months since my brother was found dead after hanging himself. I have 4 candles lit for him. Thanks for the comforting idea!

May peace be yours,

Lisa

By the way, Mandy--
Such a moving poem. You've said what we're all feeling.
My fiance and I have a shrine with objects he's collected from around the world or we've recieved as gifts. Most relate to Buddhism. For "special occasions" we light a stick of incence he got at a Meiji shrine that was blessed by Buddhist monks and "pray" to/for him.
The four-candle ritual is beautiful; I hope you don't mind if I use it. Be sure I'll be thinking of everyone here and your siblings and families, as I do when performing my own ritual.

In three days, four months will have passed since Jimmy's suicide. I visited his grave for the first time yesterday. I'm not sure WHAT came over me (I don't know if any of you are keeping up with national weather... it's about 4 degrees, -12 wind chill and covered in snow in Ohio), but for some reason I HAD to go. I was somehow able to find his grave (there are only flat headstones since it's a memorial garden) and just sat there and cried. I'm not sure if it helped make it real for me or not.

Now I can't slow my brain. The begining... my parents coming to my house and telling me. Vague memories of the following week with vivid snapshots of memorable things. (I remember throwing myself on him in the casket begging him to wake up, but have little recollection of giving his eulogy in front of several hundred people.) I remember thinking back to the night before he died... I think he meant to kill himself, then, but was too fucked up on valium to do it. For some reason that night, I had the compelling urge to download and listen to The Beatles, "Happiness is a Warm Gun" (he shot himself in the head, obviously). The months following his death, we were trying to figure out WHAT led him to do this... He had no history of depression and was constantly around our mom, friends, or me-- there's no way NONE of us noticed something was wrong.
Putting together stories from friends and police helped us sorrrrrt of figure out that he was in some trouble with selling drugs (marijuana... nothing too severe!), was perhaps some unsavory people, and was worried about filing a fraudulent police report. Such a TEMPORARY problem... such a PERMANENT solution. What's the WORST that could have happened... some jail time and some shame??

I just can't get it off my mind. Sometimes I think I'm going to be ok, sometimes I think it's going to kill me. I wish I could sleep without laying awake for hours and waking up only to remember what has become of my brother and my life. I can't make it to my classes, I miss shifts at work (or spend the whole time crying in the back). I just don't know what to do with myself...

I just want my brother back.

(My apologies for the stream of conciousness rambling. I had to get it out somewhere and apparently this was it...)

Warren Poole
16 June 1980 - 14 January 2008

My brother, the joker, the gentleman, the smooth operator, the successful young up and comer, the best brother, the most gentle son...Four Candles for You on the annuversary of your passing...

The first candle represents our grief.
The pain of losing you is intense.
It reminds us of the depth of our love for you.

This second candle represents our courage.
To confront our sorrow,
To comfort each other,
To change our lives.

This third candle we light in your memory.
For the times we laughed,
The times we cried,
The times we were angry with each other,
The silly things you did,
The caring and joy you gave us.

This fourth candle we light for our love.
We light this candle that your light will always shine.
As we enter this milestone and share this day of remembrance
with our family and friends.

We cherish the special place in our hearts
that will always be reserved for you.
We thank you for the gift
your living brought to each of us.

We love you.
We remember you.
:(

Lisa, I'm sorry 2008 was such a bad year for you! It was a bad year for me too so I know what you mean! I look at 2009 like that too- as a new start and hopefully a better year. I know what you mean about people dying that weren't necessarily close to you but it hurt worse since your brother had just died. When I went to my preacher's funeral I cried the whole time, not only for my preacher...but mostly because of my brother's death. They say death comes in three's...I just hope it stops there and doesn't come in fives or twenties! But thank you! and Mandy, that's a good idea about the quilt thing!

Hi everyone.

Reading the posts about hanging onto the clothes and belonging of our siblings made me want to share a beautiful idea that a wonderful friend of mine gave me after I lost Warren last year.

She took all of his clothes and made patch quilts for my Mother, sister and I. On our first Christmas without Warren, I gave these to my family and in some way, they were from my brother even though he was not here (in physical form).

I sleep with this quilt every night and it allows me to hold onto something from him (which has his scent on) without having to justify myself.

Take care,
Mandy

Olivia, I totally know where you are coming from with being tired of all the blows! My aunt died in Oct '07, my dog (and best friend in so many ways) died from a fluke accident in April '08, my brother died in July '08, my husband and I have a friend who died from bleeding after a surgery to remove cancer in Aug '08 and in between there were a whole bunch of deaths that might not normally hurt as bad, but seemed to just cut to the core. Just a few weeks ago, our best friend's dad died suddenly in the middle of the night. I have to wonder if, for the first time, I am using "the new year" as a new start. I never believed in it before, but I find myself bargaining that this better be better or... well, I don't know, but I'm definitely frustrated with it all! On top of that, through my brother's suicide, I "lost" my only sister who, in her grief, has decided she wants nothing to do with the family anymore... It hurts. Bad.

Additionally, I experienced something similar with wanting some of my brother's belongings. My sister-in-law got rid of all my brother's things right after he died (even though I had asked her to allow me to have some of his clothing). ARG!

Hurt, anger, sorrow, questions... I know (or think I know) where you are coming from!

May peace be yours,

Lisa

LC, Thank you! I know what you mean about wearing your brother's clothes. I wanted to keep Jonathan's but when my dad went and got them from his apartment he put them in our basement and they started to smell bad then my mom gave them away. i never have any say in any of it. it makes me pretty mad. I just want something, anything to hold on to thats his. but gosh...i cant. it all sucks. life's pissing me off.