Johnny i would swap with you in a heartbeat. i can't count the hours i've spent fantasising about a parallel universe in which my brother had failed to kill to himself - which makes me a bit odd i suppose. how did i arrive at a place where my brother not managing to kill himself would be a great result?

but if only he had tried and failed he would have seen how precious he was to us all and how much hurt he had caused, it ouwld have been the wake up call he needed to sort his shit out once and for all. ah well.

Mandy, as always, has the nail on the head about transferring and enhancing the pain, the survivors burden is heavier i believe.

Wow Johhny, I was so saddened by your post. I always wish my brother had failed at his attempt (and I always will), but being on the receiving end of multiple failed attempts by another family member (not my brother), in that case I understand exactly how you feel.

I suppose that suicide (repeatedly attempted or successful) is so painful to live with that the survivors (of both those who attempt and fail and those who attempt and succeed) live with the most painful burden.. the death or pending of our beloved siblings.

I hope someday you can show your brother this website, he may need to see that he is merely transferring that pain with the added burden of guilt, confusion, regret, anger, helplessness, emptiness, longing, loss etc to the survivors who wish for just one last chance to change what happened.

My prayers are with you and your brother.

My brother has tried to kill himself several times over the years. Last year, the police carted him off after his wife had to wrestle a gun from his hands. In the early morning hours of April 16th, 2009, he wandered out behind his house, put an SKS assault rifle under his chin and pulled the trigger. Unfortunately, he survived. I wish he'd been successful so we could be free of this.

I'm all messed up and don't know what to do. They don't have forums or support groups for siblings of 'almost' suicide victims.

At this point, I don't have a brother as far as I'm concerned. That decision means I also don't have parents anymore. Ain't life grand?

At least I have a wonderful wife and two kids, that's a salvation. I just need to be free of this.

I visited this site about 2 months ago when I knew that I had to seek some other resources for my grief. My brother shot and killed himself on February 14, 2009. I have had some training in helping others but when it happens to you it is different.
I haven't much to say right now but I just wanted to add this, for now.

I am so angry lately. 'They' talk about the phases we go through in grief and I suppose to over-simplify it, this is where I am at lately. I am angry with the love of my brother's life who left him for a married man and now sends me e-mails updating me on their happiness and their daughter's development (her and and the married man).

I am angry at the girl he dated next who used this breakup to tell him what a nobody he was and now phones me for sympathy all the time because "she is in so much pain without him".

I am angry at his friends who have all moved on and don't seem to miss him anymore.

I am angry at my Mom for attempting suicide when we were kids, stripping us of the right not to see this as a solution.

I am angry at God for taking my Dad's life (he drowned saving my brother when Warren was a child) only to take Warren away from us anyway.

I am angry the my aunts, uncles and cousins who are all so caught up in the marriages, births etc in the family when my Mom, sister and I are in so much pain.

I am angry at Warren for disregarding our love for him and our obvious pain at living without him when he chose to leave.

Mostly, I am angry at myself for being so angry! After all, this was no-one's fault, merely a set of circumstances over 27 years that robbed my brother of the emotional tools to survive the depth of his pain in one moment.

This just feels to me like some sick game of chess... my family the pawns... the opponent unknown.... no defense strategy, just the obl:(

Hi Jennifer...I too lost my 25 year old brother. It is hard, to imagine moving forward with life without your brother, the other half to all those favorite memories.
It has been just over a month since my Michael died. It sucks to hear of all the plans they had made for a furture that they would not be a part of. All the plans you can not bare to think of because he was suppose to be here and experience it with you. All the laughs, fights, and stupid conversations that you took for granted then, but now wish that was happenning at this every moment.
Your friends, spouses, co-workers, and family memebers will all be there to help you. But the truth is, they have no clue how you feel right now. As a sibling what I have learned is we are the forgotten mourners.
You put on a front to be strong for those who are expressing the hurt and loss worse on the outside. But your inside is crying out with the question "WHY". That will never end... The only thing that I can recommend is joining a support group for loved ones that have lost their loved ones to suicide,also known as Suicide Surviors. Read a book that talks about loved ones who died of suicide. The one I am reading now is "No Good Way to Say Goodbye." Talk to people that have been through the same thing. You will know that you are not alone.
What ever you do know that, what ever you have been thinking, saying and feeling; we all have.

I don't know if what I said will help, answer questions or even make sense. But it is all I know.
Feel free to email me when ever. I too sit on the computer looking for answers.
- Jamie (mikey's big sis)

Be forever your brothers heart.

Jennifer - along with everybody who has lost a sibling to suicide, I am so sorry that you are going through this.

There is no way to quell the frantic and surreal feelings that you have been experiencing. Your brain and heart are both on overload trying to solve the riddle of what went wrong, and "how could I have prevented this?" and all the second, third and fourth guessing about your relationship with Jonathan.

All I can tell you is that you will slowly make your way through this and begin to find peace. It will be YOUR peace, and there will be codicils to the pact that you make with YOUR peace that nobody else will understand, but you will find a way to move on.

Your life will never be the same of course, but you will also be aware of how precious life is and how much our relationships mean to us. Not only with our family, but our friends too.

That awareness is too dearly won, and all of us would trade it gladly for the blissful naiveté of "before" but it is no longer possible. I do know that my brother would never have ended his life had he known how much pain it would cause. I found comfort in that somehow.

My heart goes out to you, along with all of the siblings here and everywhere who have experience this terrible nightmare. Find YOUR peace Jennifer.

Jennifer - along with everybody who has lost a sibling to suicide, I am so sorry that you are going through this.

There is no way to quell the frantic and surreal feelings that you have been experiencing. Your brain and heart are both on overload trying to solve the riddle of what went wrong, and "how could I have prevented this?" and all the second, third and fourth guessing about your relationship with Jonathan.

All I can tell you is that you will slowly make your way through this and begin to find peace. It will be YOUR peace, and there will be codicils to the pact that you make with YOUR peace that nobody else will understand, but you will find a way to move on.

Your life will never be the same of course, but you will also be aware of how precious life is and how much our relationships mean to us. Not only with our family, but our friends too.

That awareness is too dearly won, and all of us would trade it gladly for the blissful naiveté of "before" but it is no longer possible. I do know that my brother would never have ended his life had he known how much pain it would cause. I found comfort in that somehow.

My heart goes out to you, along with all of the siblings here and everywhere who have experience this terrible nightmare. Find YOUR peace Jennifer.

I just stumbled upon this site in my frantic search for answers. My brother killed himself two weeks ago. He was only 25 years old. He had his whole life ahead of him. I did not see this coming. We had talked the night before and laughed and joked. I am feeling so many emotions that can't be controlled. I went back to work this week. I feel like I am living two separate lives. At work, I put a fake smile on my face and pretend like nothing has happened. No one asks me about his death. At home, I feel like the world has ended. His death is all I think about and focus on every minute. I keep reading that these feelings will never end, they just become bearable. I miss him so much. I love you Jonathan.

It's been nearly a year but no closer to comprehending this, seems to hurt worse with each passing day. They say go to counselling, but i could never describe this feeling of utter loss to anyone.

i wish u were still here

im so sad

i wish u didnt do it :(

Today is two years since my brother took his life. I still can't believe it. I hurt so bad but I'm trying so hard to be strong for my family. My brother was truly my best friend...he was someone who I admired...someone who I could tell anything and everything. And now he is gone and to be honest I feel like he has taken a part of my heart with him. RIP Big Brother

Does anyone every think,"What the hell am I doing writing a message about my sibling gone?" I can't believe I am sitting here writing a message talking about Mikey (my baby brother)in the past tense.
It was Easter day, when I got the call from my mom, saying Mikey is gone, he hung himself. My world stopped and it hasn't seem to start again.
I went home and began all the planning.I have always been the strong one (I wish he was), I had to do this for my parents.From the funeral arrangments to the eulogy, I took care of it all. Now I am done planning and I have to take care of them. My mom and dad where and still are a mess. Mom is in denial, dad thinks he is to blame. Mike's girlfriend, who would have been my sister-in-law, found him and she is in shock. I can't imagine being in there shoes, what it might feel like.
But Me, I don't know what to do.....Mike was my little brother for 25 years, we where close and we looked out for one another. We lived in different states, but it never stopped us from talking or being their for each other.
When his friends brought some of his things to the house, all the picture frames where of him and I. I talked to him I was their when he lost 3 friends (one to a murder and 2 to suicide),he promised me he would never do this...He promised me, and he did. He called me at 4:13am in the morning and I didn't pick up. I hate that I didn't pick up. Why did I leave the phone on the dresser? The one night it wasn't by my bed?
I keep in touch with his amazingly strong group of friends. Those guys have always been like brothers to me. Now I find myself caring so much about how they are doing and feeling. It is what I did with Mikey...I want to protect them. But look how good I did, my own brother is gone.
Mike was a great person. He had the best heart, always putting people first, hard working, and loved those he cared about so much.
My husband and I got married in October, all the pictures Mike looked so happy. We had a great time. I think I hung out more with Mike then my husband.
What did I do? Why, he knew I loved him. Why, didn't he stay? He was my only sibling. I have his friends, I have my steo brother..I love them. But they are not Mikey...
I keep on trying to see him in my dreams. I thought I did once, but I wake up and I am back to the same person.
A sister left without her brother.

I realized that I have only written here on bad days so far. My little brother, Bryan, shot himself on January 27 of this year at the age of 28. But, I wanted to share a good day, maybe it can bring some peace to someone - maybe it can show hope to someone else, because I know I personally need a lot of that these days. Our family reunion was this weekend - I left to go to it on Saturday more than a little apprehensive. After all, how could I survive going to a place that we had been going to since we were kids knowing he would never be there with me again? At first every where I looked around me reminded me of him, reminded me of what used to be and it was hard. I felt like the tears were so close to falling pretty much every minute I was there, but then what else is new about that? To be sure, there were tears this weekend, it was sad to be there without him. But, here is the good part, the reunion is held on my uncle's farm and there are several ponds on there where you can fish. Bryan was an avid outdoorsman and loved to fish so I had to throw a line in, not at the pond where everyone there fishes, but in the back pond that almost no one even goes to, except for Bryan. On the very first cast out, I caught a fish. And at that moment I felt like i knew something - Bryan sent that fish to me and it was so healing to see him in something as mundane as catching a fish. I believe it was his way of saying "I'm okay sis - and so are you". Not a day goes by that I don't miss him, but I caught a glimpse this weekend that our lives will go on and that he is never very far away. Do I know for sure that he can make the fish bite - not really. But I like to think that's what it was - I didn't catch anything else in that pond that day. I know it's a simple thing, maybe it means nothing to anyone but me. But, it comforted me to feel near to him, doing the thing he used to love doing, and to think that he could still send me a sign that we are going to make it.

I love you Bubba, I miss you like crazy, thanks for showing me you are still there. I carry you with me always - in my memories and my heart.

Andrea - my brother shot himself on April 16, 2009 and I saw him lying there in the casket. It still didn't look like him and I still don't believe that he is actually gone. I saw him, I saw that the back of his head was blown out and I still don't believe that he is gone. My dad can't leave the house without crying, my mom just keeps asking me if he is really gone and my only way to cope is to pretend that he is just away. I don't know how to get through this. I feel like I let him down as a sister. I knew he was depressed, but I didn't know that he thought this was his only option.

I fully agree. I had someone ask me once, after my brother committed suicide, "What do you think your brother wants for you right now?" I had not thought about that, but almost automatically I responded, "Peace. He wants me to be at peace."

A wonderful person (whom I met through this website) sent me a copy of a book titled: "SOS - A handbook for survivors of suicide". One particular extract struck a nerve and I thought I should share it with everyone on this site - after all, who better to embrace this responsibility than the siblings of loved ones lost to suicide.

'The person I lost is beyond my help now in every way but one:
I can help them by working to ease the pain they have caused and by not allowing their most enduring legacy to be one of tragedy. I will try to picture my lost loved one asking me to do this every day — to please help undo the damage they caused in whatever little ways possible. And I promise that I will.'

Take care xxx

thanks for that entry tusk. i never knew about the whole hindsight thing. yes adapt i must.

Hi Danielle,
My Brother hung himself too - last fall. I know what you mean though about feeling like you could have done more. I think that it's a legacy that all of us have to live with - the terrible feeling that we should have done things differently. There is even a name for it: "The tyranny of hindsight". In looking back at our relationship with our loved ones towards the end of thier lives, hindsight has the luxury of viewing things through a lens that knows the end. There are so many things that I said or did with my brother which seemed so normal at the time, now look uncaring viewed in hindsight. I don't know if we ever get over that feeling... I think I'll just have to adapt to it and live with it.

It has almost been a year since my only older brother kyle regan hung himself

today is hard for me... today i couldnt stop looking at pictures and starting bawling while reading through his obituary...

i dont talk to my parents about his death.. i keep to myself about the feelings i get, dreams i had, anything that has to do with him..

some days i cant get the image of him dangling off a bridge by a rope around his neck....

he was depressed for a long time and couldnt get out of it:(

the saddest most painful part is we knew... our family knew he was depressed but didnt understand the severity or consequences i guess.. it feels like more could have been done u noe..

i miss you so much kyle

i love you

your baby sis :(:(:(