this website has a sibling forum and is also very helpful - check it out.

http://www.suicidegrief.com/index.

Just to add one more thing.... I wish people weren't afraid to talk about Andy with me or ask about Andy, I love when I know people are thinking of him and are not afriad to talk to me about him. Talking about him keeps his memory alive. I wish people weren't so afraid to talk to me....

My big borhter Andy hung himself November 2, 2004, he was 30. He was such a great guy, his smile lit up a room, he had many friends, wonderful children. His death devastated our family. The 5 year anniversary is coming this year and some days the wound is still has deep as hearing about his death for the first time. I have managed to move forward with my life, having 2 beautiful children. I remember back to the early days after his death and how much my life was in a cloud and how the world seemed different, trees, flowers, birds all seemed different somehow, a world without Andy... to this day, the pain is heavy, my heart is heavy, I miss you brother, I miss your laugh. My belief that you come to me in dreams put a warm spot in my heart. How I would give anything to hug you just once, your death ended the life I had. In some ways I have learned to live a better life from your death. But I would do anything to have you back. Thank you for the wonderful years you were alive in my life. My brother Andy Kellestine, how wonderful you were and how wonderful you will always be to me.
Love Gene Gene!! xo

So I try and pick up the pieces to my broken heart. I try to live a little, I laugh a little, I sleep a little. I can’t trap myself; I cannot trap myself in the blame game….. What if…?
That day I called his phone…. At 10:40pm it was not working…. I turned on my ringer to my cell (my ringer is never really on) and I slept lightly… I had this deep deep sadness and hopelessness. Then we received a call at 2:55 am. Your brother has passed; he had passed around 11:00 pm. I had a connection with him no one understood. I wanted to look for him earlier that Saturday but would never have found him…
The biggest blessing was he had spent the week with us before he had died, He was himself laughing, joking, smiling, giving advice… (Take your vitamins….take care of yourself and the baby and I won’t tell you get your tubes tied Kathy) ALWAYS made me laugh.
He said Kathy I need you to drop me off Friday in the Bronx… I will come back Sunday with the rest of my stuff. He asked me for a little money and I gave it to him, and he was gone….
I still hurt, my sadness is still deep, and my fear is still there he is not here. BUT I cannot rob my brother of all the wonderful things he has done for myself and others including bring us much Joy. So I cannot be selfish I must let gooooooo.
I was at a breaking point….I needed closure…. I yelled at God….I yelled at the universe….. What has happened….? What have I lost….? And at that point I felt Ken’s pain…his sorrow…his agony… I understood why he did what he did his pain was too deep.
I asked God give me a sign…Please Lord give me peace… and I got what I had so desperately prayed for…. I found out ….. that he is at peace. A dove showed in his presence, and a picture was taken by my cousin/brother Anthony. When Anthony was working on pictures for my brothers funeral a dove flew over AJ and landed on the wall and stood there and flew away. The dove showed again and kept Anthony’s company for 4 hours. I have never seen in my life time a dove in the Bronx (but that was an awesome sign). I heard a voice say “Heaven” when I asked God where is my little brother Kenny..…. I seen a cross road sign on my way back from the hospital that had his last name and the place he use to reside in….. I found out my baby is due the same week his was due on……I seen PEACE…he is at PEACE but we are left with a struggle. So God I pray every day to give me peace…. Give me happiness…. Let me move on and share my story….
And I know Kenny is deep in my heart he will live through me, my baby girl that he was so in love with, my unborn, and those he touched.
Every morning I will see his face and every night and I will talk with him… I will pray for him….I will ask for peace…. I will …. I will ….I will…
I always wanted to protect him and keep him from harm and so I pray … I pray …I pray
;););););)

why?
it is simply not true that suicide survivors reach a point where they stop asking 'why?' what you have done, to me, is still as unbelievable today as it was 14 months ago. you absolute, fucking, stupid idiot - this really is the limit. you and i, we led such charmed lives. was it almost too good for you? did you feel you didnt deserve all that love? that attention? adoration? why? why did you feel that way? why did you give in to that one destructive but destroyable thought? it was just one thought, one voice of so many you must have had before? why? you have ruined my life. have no doubt.

My sister died at 2:37 pm on Wednesday July 15, 2009. She was the only sibiling I had. I was supposed to grow old with her. Who am I supposed to bury my parents with? I'm pregnant and my baby is due in December. How am I supposed to have my baby without her? She left an 8 year old daughter behind. I feel like half of me is dead. I can't even begin to explain in words the pain and anger I feel everyday. How am I supposed to live on this earth another 30-40 years without you?:(

Its been 1 year since you left here. i miss you more than words can every explain. I think about you everyday. I hope that someday I can start to heal. I just hate that you left me here. WHY?? Ill never know Why and that hurts so bad.. I need you Misty needs you Dad needs you your friends need you.. How could you leave me here? I spent the day at dads n your ashes are still there with him I dont think he will ever be able to part with you. That is your body in that box I picked it up and hugged you today I had to hug a box that you are in instead of hugging you. I just miss you and wish you didnt do this.. I Love n Miss you sooo much R.I.P Terry James.. Love your baby sister

Wow, this pain is unforgivable. 1 year and 8 months on and I am still stuck at the bottom of the stairs where Mom found you...

I lost my brother 18 months ago to suicide. I thiught I had dealt with it until last Saturday when I lost my dad suddenly in a car wreck. I am SO angry with my brother because I have to go through this alone and watch my mother suffer all over again.

Lisa,

I really appreciate your post. I, too, found that moment when my brother's death could be something beside a terrible waste. while I would rather have my brother, finding my experience can be of help to others helped me move from being a suicide victim to a suicide survivor.

it's been two years today since you died, gavin. i miss you so much it hurts to breathe, and sometimes i think i'll die from this pain. i love you, forever and ever and ever.

There are so many moments in a day when I think "Warren would have loved this!" or "if only Warren where here for that!"... it is not to be though. I love you War, I miss you and miss sharing my life with you.

It was a year ago this month that my brother hung himself. It was also a year ago that I was supposed to volunteer at a camp for children and teens who've experienced the death of a loved one0--a place for them to get away and just be with other kids who "understood." I couldn't go. It's so selfish, but I was mad at my brother--that I was at his funeral instead of helping where I'd wanted. But I just got back from this year's camp where I volunteered. I was scared and worried I couldn't handle it with my brother's anniversary so close and his death still so fresh. But when I was able to relate to so many young children who'd experienced the suicide of a parent, a sibling, a grandparent, a friend... I knew there was something more to all of this. One little girl, about 9 years old, told me about her daddy who "killed himself with drugs and alcohol," I knew she needed to know she wasn't the only one who'd lost a loved one to suicide. I told her my brother died by suicide. "You're BROTHER?!" she said, "Really?" With some shock, but greater relief to know she wasn't alone, her gentle eyes looked at mine and she told her whole story for the first time ever. She continued to open up to me with the details of his death and her shock, disappointment and frustration when her mom took her to a restaurant to tell her the truth of how he died, her younger brother still not knowing it was her daddy CHOSE to die. She expressed a sweet gratitude of knowing she wasn't alone, and I knew, that though there's great pain in my loss, it can be used to help others in a way I wouldn't have been able to if I hadn't had the loss of my dear big bro--a man who was so full of love for others, he'd find great peace in knowing his decision made through pain brought comfort other's hurt.

My brother hung himself 7 years ago when we were teenagers. I was depressed and self-destructive and numb for years. Now that the time has passed and most people I know never knew him, I feel like he's so far away that I can't even grieve. I stare at the wall for hours trying to be sad about it - like I miss that feeling. But I don't know how to do it anymore and it makes me feel empty.

It's 09.23 a.m. here in England and i'm tired. Tonight we'll have a big party for your birthday, i'm getting my hair cut later and wondering what to wear.

Your friends will be there and for a while all the energy in one room will be focused on you, thinking i hope about you and not your death, although that's unlikely. You fool. If you wanted to be remembered then you are, but not for what you were but for what you did. i hope i'm wrong about that, but i rarely think about you without thinking of your exit - it's entwined in every thought and memory i have of you and us - for now.

A happy thought provokes a wry smile or a snort of laughter, but then the corners turn down and the brow furrows with sadness, despair and disbelief, followed soon by a sigh, a shake of the head and a raised eyebrow, a shrug and a wave of, not acceptance, but resignation washes over and drowns me.

Happy Birthday Big Bro, i can't stand the thought of ever being older than you so we have to celebrate your birthday and celebrate your life rather than mark the day of your death. I organised, no demanded, this party, like a soldier on the frontline fighting a losing battle: it's all over, we're fucked, but no retreat - let's have a party! But now i'm tired and i don't know what to wear. It's 09.34 a.m. here in England.

Hi Sharon –
I want to say "I know what you're going through" because my brother hung himself last October too.
The only problem with that statement is that it rings false: there is no way that anybody else can know your pain. Nobody else knows what your relationship was with your brother, your history, what times you shared, what feuds you dealt with, etc. There is simply nobody on earth who knew Glenn Thomson like you. And nobody else will grieve like you because only you know how you need to grieve.
If I have learned anything about my brother's suicide it is the plain and simple fact that there is nobody else who will ever understand how I feel or how I deal with it, because they didn’t have the same history with him that I did. So in that regard we are all in the same boat. We deal with it in the best way that we know how on a daily basis and, as long as it is not self destructive, it is the correct way for us to grieve.
There are no rules on dealing with this because every situation is unique. We all have been cursed to write our own damned rule books on the suicide of our loved ones as we go along, and only one person in the universe will ever truly understand them. Unfortunately that is us - the unwilling authors.
Peace to all of us,
Tusk

my bro aged 36 hung himself last october what a tradegy will never get over it his name was glenn thomson i dont know how i will ever get through qall this dont know

Good night my brother, and happy birthday to you. I wish I had known a year ago that we didn't have another one to celebrate together. It kills me that there was no real celebration. I love you Rem.

HI,,
I'VE LOST TWO SONS,,
ROCKY TO A MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT AND RONNIE TO SUICIDE..
WHEN ROCKY DIED,,RONNIE LOST NOT JUST HIS LITTLE BROTHER BUT THEY WERE "BEST BUDS" FROM THE START..
RONNIE NEVER ADJUSTED TO LIFE WITHOUT ROCKY,,
AND TEN YRS AFTER ROCKY DIED RONNIE DIED OF SUICIDE.
RONNIE LEFT TWO KIDS BEHIND AND ONE OF THEM ...NOW,,INTO THE FOURTH YR SINCE HIS DEATH..I AM NOW ABLE TO DIALOGE WITH HIM ABOUT HIS DAD....
BEFORE THIS NO ONE WOULD TALK TO ME ABOUT RONNIE..NOT EVEN THE ONE WHO TOLD ME HE WAS RONNIES' BEST FRIEND WILL SPEAK TO ME OF RONNIE....AND HE LIVES IN THE SAME TOWN I LIVE IN..
IN FACT I MADE AN APT WITH THIS PERSON AND TWO X'S THEY DIDN'T SHOW UP SO I FINALLY REALIZED HE DIDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT RONNIE WITH ME..
I KNOW ALL THE REASONS ....BUT THAT DOESN'T HELP ME AT ALL...
IS THIS USUAL??
I KNOW IF ROCKY WERE STILL ALIVE NO MATTER WHAT RONNIE WENT THRU HE'DA HAD ROCKY ..
RAINIE

A Message to Bill-
THANK YOU!!! Thank you for getting help for yourself. Your family are the lucky ones to not have to feel the pain that all of us do. You have not only saved yourself but so many others from the pain they would have felt, if you had decided to not seek help.
Just remember that it is a process to recovery and that help may not feel like it is working sometimes but it is....
Huge your family, talk to them but most importantly love each other.

Thank you again for sharing your thoughts, your step is one we wish our loved one's made.
We are proud you choose the right step!!!