Dear Angela ~

I am so sorry for your loss. I also completely understand what it is like to see a stranger who resembles or remind you of the brother you have lost. Everything will be very raw for you right now, and the emotions will overtake you in those instances, let alone the emotional roller coaster you will ride going forward. It will get better, that I can say, but the road to getting there is rough and different for us all. Glad you found this website, you can connect with other people who have gone through the same thing and at least feel like someone understands. My heart goes out to you and your family.

Angela- I just read your post and my heart goes out to you very deeply. I understand the "staring at a complete stranger" that looks like your brother. It is so surreal sometimes. I see my sister everywhere and after seven months I am quite a bit more functional, but not a day or hardly a few hours goes by without thinking deeply of her and seeing her in complete strangers. I am sorry you have suffered such a deep and tragic loss. Please hang in there. It gets different, and that is good.

:(
My brother just committed suicide on July 28th and i think im still in shock. My mom is a wreck and my two sisters and i are all in a daze. I am so sad and have been having panic attacks...i was in the store the other day and saw someone who looked just like him and i couldn't stop staring at him, i wanted to go up to him and hug and hold him......im at a loss, unsure of what to do now. It was a very violent suicide, and i did take some of his ashes home with me.........i just feel so lost.........

Does anyone else really miss and long for the company of their sibling even more when times get tough? I would consider my brother and I to be really close, and yet he wasn't the one I would call to talk to in "my" hard times. He'd always call me in his rough spells (and good times, too). But now, through all these hard things I've been going through (especially those NOT related to his death), I seem to just really wish he was there even more than ever. I have plenty of other family, and really do have great (small) network of friends I can call on for anything, but for some reason I have myself convinced that my trials would all be smaller if my brother was here, even if I never did call on him before. Why is that? I know better. Even now, I doubt I would call him to help me through my hard times. I would certainly call him to hear his voice, to tell him I love him and miss him so very much. I would offer him all the support I could muster up. But I really wouldn't bother him with my troubles--seemingly so small to the darkness he suffered. Maybe it's all because I try to tell him and talk to him now, but there's no voice on the other line. *sigh* I sure miss him!! To those whose eyes this falls upon, thank you for listening...

Wow, D.C. I too wish there had been a note left. I dont know why. But my sister's suicide was her second major attempt during her 18 month stroke-rehabilitation. I too received many benefits and opportunities during her recovery. I got to tell her almost everyday that I loved her, I got to apologize for being absent from the family for all my teenage years when I struggled with active addiction, I even got to care for her and nurse her for half a year during the struggle. I wish there was a note, and I wish she hadn't left us on Christmas eve. I woke up Christmas morning to call her like I did every morning for a year and a half and no one answered and I almost knew before my dad flew down to tell me she hung herself in the bathroom. Alone, no note, no goodbye. I re-lived the moment that dad told me what happened. My disbelief, the overwhelming pit in my stomach that still eats at me today, and the dry scream that wretched out of my stomach for the first few minutes. I am very active and busy in my working musician life currently, about 7 months out from the suicide, but when I visit her gravesite at Arlington Cemetery and all the distractions are removed I am sooo sad. That is it. No anger, no fear. Just sad. I miss her. Sometimes I want to just fast-forward this life so I can see her again in the next. It gets exhausting. And then I am scared to go to bed a lot of nights becuz I dont sleep good anymore. But, I do have a lot of good days where I am present and joyful. I want the sadness to lift. She was such a joyful person. She was an adventurer and I want that to touch my life. Peace to you all. Just checking in with my family....

It will be 4 months on 8/28. My sister died on that day, but her body wasn't found for days later. The date on her death is written as 5/4/2010. My family didn't want most to know that she took her own life. I miss her every day. I am learning to cope with her not in my life. I still cry at least once a week. She texted me "I love you" the day she went home and I did text her back. I still wonder if she ever read it and did she really know how much she ment. She decided to stop taking her medication and to stock up on it. I know it's not my fault and that she was in a very dark place. I will never stop thinking that there just could have been something I could have done to stop her. One day at a time, right???

I've only written once before. But I had wanted to say that I think in the end he tried to save himself. He was on depression medication but we found out he didn't have any in his system when he died. I think because things were going so well for once he thought he didn't need it anymore and stopped taking it. Apparently it takes about 15 days to leave the system. And we found out that eariler that day he had rushed from him classes and had his prescription refilled. But i think it takes a few days to work, and by that evening it was too late. Somehow, that last ditch attempt brings my family much comfort. (I wish you would have left us a message and said goodbye.)

In Quiet Respect**** Hello To All Of You Here. I Posted Twice Before But First Time Back In Months. Its Been A Real Struggle With Alot Of Changes Taken Place All At The Same Time. A Whole Lot Of Emotions Also ,Mainly Just Trying To Except That I Am A Sibling Survivor Of Suicide.. It Has Been Almost A Year Now, Hard To See Where All That Time Actually Went. November 17Th My Older Sister Took Her Own Life. She Wasent Even A Year Older Then Me , 9 Days Every Year Of My Life We Were "TWINS". And Our Birthdays Are This Month ; Mine Is August 22ND. 1 Day From Now. Hers Was August 30TH. SO****This Is My First Birthday Without My Sister And My Twin..... It Is Not Going To Be Easy ; Nor Has It Been . I Keep In Mind That She Would Want Me To Be Healthy And Happy. And To Help Make Sure Everyone Else Is Also Ok.. SO TO ALL OF "US" HERE - STAY STRONG AND KNOW WE ARE NOT ALONE ******* GOD BLESS US ALL .....BARBARA

I too experienced the protracted death of my brother by suicide. he lived for 43 days after the fire. there were added gifts(telling him I loved him) and the added grief of watching him try to live for all those days. it was very hard to come to terms with the images of him in the burn unit. but to those of you who are new here, while it does not go away, it does get better. it will take a lot of time. in the hardest moments, remember to just wait... wait for the day or the hour or the moment that you think you cannot endure to pass. it will. and slowly, less painful moments will interject themselves between the excruciating pain.
everyone who comes to this site is strong and brave. you may not feel it right now, but it is true.

It has been 10 weeks since my sister died. She attempted suicide on December 18, 2009. She survived her attempt, but spent the next 6 months in a coma until my family made the heartbreaking decision to take her off of life support. I have my days - as we all do - but I've held up surprisingly well. This week, however, for some reason or another, reality has really hit me. She won't ever turn 21. She won't get married, or have babies. She won't be my maid of honor, or be there when my baby starts to talk. My husband and children will never know of her - except for what I tell them.



I am feeling completely consumed by my grief tonight - I can't believe this is my reality now. How am I supposed to keep living when my little sister, my best friend, my partner in crime is gone?



It just doesn't seem real. And the fact that so many people every day go through this just isn't fair.



My prayers are with every sibling survivor tonight. May you find peace in your dreams this evening.

I lost my sister on May 1, 2009. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her and wonder "why" and "what I could have done" to change things. I have so much guilt inside. I know I shouldn't but hard not too. I am glad I found this website to know there are many others unfortunately going through what I am going through.

Hello i lost my brother july 18 this year it seems like a very very bad dream like fiffty first dates but not funny. EAch day i wake upa nd say this is not true but then i find myself in a room like this and think okay it is real dam this sucks

It has been three weeks yesterday since my sister died of suicide and I am glad you are here although I too wish I had not found this group. Love, strength, and healing to all.

Six months after I lost my brother, I planned my own death... I was going to drive my car at top speed onto a bridge in our town notorious for its high accident rate. No one would ever know it was a suicide. The morning I was planning to leave, the sound of my daughter and son arguing penetrated the fog I had been suspended in and my body physically jolted with the realisation that there would be moments in their lives where they would need me, their mother, their God given right.... and I was about to rob them of this. What if my daughter found herself in a relationship that would hurt her someday and only I could talk her out of it? What if my son held his first child and wanted to share that moment with his mother? What if a family trgady were to reoccur and I was not there to comfort my children?

Thank you to both my kids for bringing me back to life - you will never know that you saved me and although it's hard being here, I owe it to you both to stay and fight on. To my brother, you know exactly when God has planned my return home and I know you will be waiting for me... I love you.

This upcoming September is going to be 3 years since my brother left us. I just found this website because I didn't know there was a support group for siblings...and I'm glad I did! These past 3 years have been of ups and downs and I guess it will be like that always. We shared so many things, he was my best friend, my confident, my everything...I miss him so much! Even though we weren't twins we shared the same b-date (i'm 2 years older than him) and ironically he committed suicide the day after my wedding...my depression was so strong that I ended up divorcing my husband and withdrawing from all my friends. Now, after 3 years I'm trying to get my life back and learn how to live with this emptiness and get through the days that are most difficult for me :-(

so wish i wasn't still reading this site after two years and two months, so wish i wasn't a member of this club. Strength to all, this is a burden, it takes strength.

Laura,



i was there too. my brother killed himself jan 1 2010. it has been hard. My dad doenst talk about it as if it didnt even happen. my mom is still in deep and if you mention anything at all like " i was hoping to come over sunday" she would cry and metion how Chris used to come over on Sundays. my brotehr jeff is 4 months in recovery. im the youngest of the 3 of us.Chris would have been 30 on the 23rd of July, Chris was my rock, now i have to be my family's at the age of 26, its hard. but know that after you help them, talk with them, have good cries, be sure to go home and let out whatever didnt come out or what you didnt want to come out. its been 8 months for me. i still cry 3 times a day. i cant help it but it happens. rememeber that if you need to be strong for them, you need to take care of yourself first or else you will not be able to be of any help.



good luck with your journey.

Clay~

I am glad you had a good day and enjoyed it! It is hard to let ourselves enjoy things and let ourselves have a good time sometimes after a suicide. I think we almost feel guilty for it; depressed about it, etc. I've learned to cherish the times I'm enjoying life and not grieving or feeling depressed. And, I've learned it's OK to enjoy life. We are all still here and all still living life; our siblings may have chosen to end theirs, but we have to try to make the best of our "new life" without them. It is easier said than done. But I am learning to choose to live life and enjoy it. That doesn't mean that I don't miss my brother or think or grieve for him; I do almost every day. I'm just learning that it's ok to live and grasp onto the happy things that do come along, despite the circumstances.

"one less brother": thank you for your kindness. I am sorry for your loss

This may be my first time posting in the middle of the night without the sting of desperation, or the dull throbbing ache in my gut of depression and loneliness. In fact, I had a great day today, full of life and love, music, friends, laughter. Often, on my full, rich, active days I will lay awake at the end and revisit the days events and realize I was thinking about her all along. That will probably happen again when I lay down momentarily. It is a gift of grace to be able to live so fully and freely some days in spite of how dearly I miss her. (or sometimes because of how much I miss her!) I want to share a good day with my fellow suicide survivors... we do have them. If we haven't yet... we will...