03/19/10 01:03:34 am
I think the last time I wrote was a month ago. Tomorrow marks 6 weeks since my brother, Jeffrey, took his life.I live 800 miles from my only surviving sibling and mother and father and friends...I am alone here in this. I had my mother stay with me the few weeks following Jeff's death. But the moment she left...it was just that much more final. Last week was rock bottom for me. This week is a bit brighter, but mostly because I only feel numb again. I KNOW that I should be glad for the life he had, and the vivid memories I am so blessed to possess. But at this point--it is not possible. And I despise the memories. I cannot feel glad for the life he had because I am grieving the life that has been lost. Whenever I mention my brother in conversation to a stranger (ex. "Oh, yes, my brother is a Chemistry major, too!), I still catch myself using present tense: what would they think if I used past tense? It is as if some people ask the most idiotic questions: "How did he do it?" etc. and others look at me like I am diseased. In a sense, I am. I am jaded. And depressed (yes, I am talking to someone about it). My perspective of the world is forever changed. It is like going into a new land-except it is one that I once knew to be slightly happier. Jeff was one of my best friends...for 23 of my 25 yrs here (he is 2 yrs younger). He always will be. Some thing will NEVER change, even with death. But the reality of it is that NOTHING will change the fact that he is gone...death is final.

Frankly, I am frightened to live the rest of my life without him. I am afraid to live in this "new" world...I do not like it one bit.

Everyone is so right: this is a pain not many people understand, and they never should have to, either :-(

03/18/10 08:03:56 am
Well today marks the 3rd year anniversary that my brother left this world. I still miss him so much and think about him every day. My heart will always be broken. It breaks my heart that his daughter who just turned four, only four days ago will never know him, as she just turned one when he took his life. \r\n\r\nI really feel so bad for all the new people who are here. It is just so shocking to me of all the suicide deaths that occur. Like others have said....at least we are not alone in our grief and sadness. Outside people simply do not understand how we really feel. I do not wish this on anyone, it is horrible! \r\n\r\nI wish everyone well and hope God blesses us somehow. Thanks for listening.

03/18/10 03:03:25 am
Its been a while since I last wrote and just wanted you all to know I havent forgotten you all.I heard a song the other day an it said something like\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\"youve got a heart like mine \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\" and I thought of all of you.Ive been trying to get my life back together,15 years without my sis.sometimes I have to wonder if theres somthing wrong with me since I just cant get over it.I try I really do try but the pain is constant,my heart is so broken.you all are the only ones who know,I try to keep busy but im so sad.no one wants me to talk about her,I miss her boys.I wish i could visit her grave I never have been able to go.I hate myself for not being able to go.i wish I could have been a stronger person,Im so sensitive to everything,this is too hard for me and no one but you all understand,how am i suppose to be happy withpeople who dont know how I feel?Im so depressed some days,all i can think abou is her and how she suffered,her kids ,i know they must suffer too.but since my family was blamed I will never know how they feel.I pray for them,I only wish I could tell them how much there mom loved them,she always talked about them when I got to call her.somedays I just cant help but feel,this is the way it will always be for me,i just cant be happy now ,even if it is what she would have wanted.i hate life now,its broken in a million pieces and no one can ever fix it.I hope you all make it through,if anything I need your srength,hearing all your storys are heartbreaking,but atleast I dont feel so completely alone anymore.You have a heart like mine.take care

03/17/10 08:03:35 pm
was a couple mistakes in the last post of one of my favorite poems. heres the fixed version

“You can shed tears that they are gone,
or you can smile because they lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that they'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all they've left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see them,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember only that they are gone,
or you can cherish their memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what they'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

learn from the past, live for today and hope for tomorrow

03/17/10 08:03:30 pm
“You can shed tears that they are gone,
or you can smile because they lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that they'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all they've left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see them,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on... tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that they are gone,
or you can cherish their memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what they'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
my cousin posted this on my facebook the day after my sister passed away. helps me keep going some days. the one thing that i KNOW she would want me to be happy. they didnt do what they did to hurt us, didnt want our lives to end along with theirs, they just couldnt go on themselves. i feel like i have the responsibility to live enough for me and my sister now. thank you clay and michelle for posting. today was better. the sun is shining and its a beautiful day :) its days like today when the sun comes out after the storm that gives me hope. so glad i found this site so i can reach out on the bad days and share my great days with other people going through the same thing. love and hope and understanding to everybody on our path. xoxo

-anni

03/17/10 02:03:01 pm
I was going to wait until tomorrow to post but after reading Clay and Annica's posts I didn't feel I should wait. Tomorrow marks 17 years since my sister Denise walked in front of a train and the whole reason that I created this web site and the book I wrote. Also tomorrow, my new book for families after suicide goes to print. It just worked out that they would be on the same day although I think it was meant to be that way. I know that many more of you read the posts on this site than actually post. Not a day goes by that I don't forget what it was to be sibling survivor and the only other sib survivors I knew were my own siblings in 1993. Not a day goes by that I don't think about all of you and what you're going through with more recent losses or losses that you might have been "allowed" to grieve years ago. I continue to speak and write and get the message out about suicide loss because if we don't help the people bereaved by suicide, sometimes they lose hope like their loved one did, too. It sucks and every other word in the world but I do believe there is hope somewhere for each of you. And I believe your siblings are with you even though not in the same way. It's a long slow road but I wanted you all to know that somewhere along the way, I'm walking that journey with you.

03/17/10 03:03:01 am
Anika: I just read your post. Wow... I am up struggling to go to bed. i leave tomorrow to travel to D.C. My sister's funeral is Thursday morning at Arlington Cemetery in Virginia. she was an Army Captain who suffered a severe brain stem stroke and killed herself after 18 months of grueling rehabilitation. I was her nurse for six months of her recovery. She was my older sister and my only sibling. I keep busy at music school here in Greenville, NC and I am almost four years clean and recovering from drug addiction. I am going through this grieving process and I don't know how to do it. I am scared and I feel crazy sometimes. Reading your post helped tonight. Thank you. I get a lot of hope from my recovery family when I am reminded that every experience I go through and am present for is an experience I can share with someone else when they go through it down the road. Anyway, I want you to hang in there one more day..... this one's for me, ok? Hope is worth seeking. Love you lots.

03/17/10 02:03:24 am
stumbled upon this site looking for hope. \r\n\r\nlost my little sister 5 on october 12 2009. i am 23 and she was 20. i dont have anywhere to get the story out really but this seems to be the place. so here goes.\r\n\r\nabout 5 years ago, i caught bronchitus, which quickly transfered to my sister. it got so bad that when she couldnt breathe i took her to the hospital and they gave her codine to slow her down. up until that day she had been the perfect kid. quiet but determined, on her way to a soccer scholarship, straight A\'s, helped mom cook dinner type of kid. she had a reaction to the codine that left her with psychogenic movement disorder. caused her to go into muscle spasms that looked like a grand maul ceisure for up to 5 hours. anything that affected her senses would trigger it. a noise, a bright light, a cool breeze. the doctors couldnt figure out what it was for 2 years and on came the trial an error bombardment of medications. she was on at least 8 at all times. appetite suppressants, ritalin, anti depressants, sleeping pills, pills for the twitching, more for the muscle pain. was so severe she could not leave our house.(also found out from a journal after she\'d passed that she had been hiding bulemia for 2 yrs) finally managed to graduate 2 yrs late and her passion for playing soccer was now out of the question. \r\n\r\nafter such a long battle we finally figured out what it was, started taking her off medication and started seeing a naturopath. she started doing amazing. applying for jobs and school, gave a boy her #, went on a trip about 2 hours away by herself. things were looking up. \r\n\r\nthen they put her on a new anti-depressant. she was furious. she wanted so badly to not be on medication anymore and they kept her on it. within a month of being on this anti-depressant she made her first attempt. took a bunch of her medication and wrote out the note saying goodbye to us. my parents found her in time and she was hospitalized for a week. reduced to a toddler slurring and drooling in bed. somehow she talked her way out of the hospital saying it was all a mistake at the end of the week. she had us all convinced it was a mistake and that she was so lucky. \r\n\r\nthe weekend following my life fell apart. while i was out celebrating my birthday, drunk at a club, my little sister was guzzling back 3 months worth of every pill she could get her hands on. i woke up to 25 missed calls from my parents. i was still drunk. called them and they kept telling me to come home but wouldnt tell me why. i just knew. i got in my car and raced home to find my parents, family and family friends waiting for me to tell me she was gone. i keep having flashbacks of that moment. calling them liars screaming and running around the house trying to find her before collapsing outside her door the paramedics were called for me because i was hyperventilating and throwing up. \r\n\r\nive been off work for 15 weeks trying to recover. just started my first day of my 4th yr electrical today. and just today realized that i cant handle all this. this year my life crumbled to pieces. dealing with the loss of my sister, a best friend relapsing on meth, losing 15 grand (my life savings) to a con man who i dated, failing school, losing my job and gaining 20 pounds. i also suffer from a self harm disorder called trichotillomania which causes me to pull out my hair.\r\n\r\n i think what gets me the most is that her last words to me were that i was the person she always wanted to be but couldnt. i feel so guilty that my big personality made her feel so small. that while i was out partying and celebrating she was giving up. maybe if i\'d stayed home i couldnt have stopped her. maybe she would have known how much i loved her. \r\n\r\n i dont know how to start all over again. i dont sleep at night and i pass out in class. just mentally exhausted and i dont know how to get out of the dark place im in. i feel like the councellers i go to patronize me. like im a textbook case so they give me textbook advice and answers. i cant turn to my mom and dad because they\'re broken. \r\n\r\ni guess what i want is hope. to know that one day there will be a day when i feel happy. when i dont feel sad or guilty or so so angry at her for what she did. when i dont remember seeing her in a coffin or that our last spoken words were so stupid and trivial. \r\n\r\nhow can i start living my life again?

03/15/10 07:03:53 am
Barbara, I thought your message was very nice, honestly it has taken me 20 years to get help and start to try and work my way through it all. I am happy to have someone who can understand my pain and is caring enough to ask if I am getting the help I need. Most people that know about what happened in my life just tell me to get over it. Its nice to have someone who knows that this is not something you can just get over. I also came to this site because I missed my sister so much that I just had to post my story somewhere. I really do appreciate your concern and did not in any way think your message was uncaring.\\r\\n\\r\\nThank you\\r\\n\\r\\nPatricia

03/15/10 12:03:33 am
Trisha, I hope you did not think my message uncaring and I hope your group helps. At the least, it gives you a place to vent with people who understand. I sincerely hope you find some peace and closure. There are a lot of \\\"hopes\\\" in this but, what else can you do? I also love this site & understand what you mean about having a place to write. I come back at intervals during the year, usually when I miss my brother. It helps. Peace to you.

03/14/10 09:03:01 pm
Barbara, I am currently meeting with a group for group theorpy and getting treatment for PTSD for my survivors guilt. I think logically I know that there is nothing I could do, but emotionally I cannot seem to let it go and believe that there was nothing I could have done. I don\'t know if that makes any since. I am just glad there is a place where I can post how I am feeling and what I went through without being judged for it.

03/14/10 09:03:22 am
Happy Birthday to my brother, Gary; he would have been 61 today.

03/14/10 09:03:20 am
Trisha; Please, if you haven't already had grief counseling, please get some. At 4 years of age you couldn't have done much against an adult male. Any other kid would have reacted in exactly the same way. Your sister knows this & positively forgives you. I hope you find peace.

03/13/10 01:03:07 am
I was wondering if there was a site like this out there, all the sites I have found don't allow you to share your story. Here is mine, in 1991 I was four years old, I had a beautiful little sister who was only 18 months old. I lived with my mom, her boyfriend, my brother, and my sister. My sister was murdered by my mothers boyfriend. My first real memory in life is that day, I had come home from a friends house and my sister was in her car seat with bruises on her face crying. I tried to get her out of the seat but I couldn't and I tried to lift it but it was too heavy. Then my moms bf yelled at me from the bathroom in a towell to get the hell out of here, so I ran over to my friends scared. The next thing I remember is being behind my apartments watching all these police officers go in and out of apartments searching for something. I thought for some reason they were looking for a stolen bike ( I have no idea why) Then a police officer going through a trash bin froze and then called over a couple other police officers. My mom had been called home from work and I think I heard her scream. Then they took me and my brother away and we did not see my mom for a long time. Her boyfriend finally admitted to killing my sister for crying and got a four year manslaughter sentence. My father always blamed me for her death because I did not save her. I am 23 now with two little girls of my own and lately the guilt that I feel about what happened has been eating me alive. I feel like I am responsible for what happened to her. I was her big sister I should have protected her but I ran away scared. She was so sweet and innocent if anyone had to die it should have been me, not her. Now I am left knowing that some man killed my sister and through her in the trash like she meant nothing and only spent four years in prison for it. Not a day goes by that I don't hurt for the little girl who never even got to learn to ride a bike, or go to school, or get married, or have kids.

I am sorry if my story is a bit different, I just had to write this so I could share my story with someone.

03/04/10 04:03:36 pm
Hi, I think this is a great site, the sort of thing I have been looking for since my younger brother Joe took his life in Feb. 2008 at the age of 46.

I feel like I'm caught in two world: In one, I am moving on and healing after Joe's death. But in the other I feel sad and shocked over his death, as if everything about is unreal, as if it did not happen.

And, as many others on this list probably would agree, I feel a strong sense of dislocation in relation to the rest of the world. No one else "gets" how the impact of losing a loved one to suicide is so much more different than losing a loved one to any other type of death. The grieving process is harder and longer, and yet so misunderstood by those who have not survived a family member's suicide. The only people who get us are those who have endured the same tragedy. We belong to a club that none of us ever wanted to join. And we're in it for life.

03/03/10 01:03:02 pm
Julie my brother was smae as yours, handsome strong clever and funny, close to his loving family and a talker. no signs at all. your brother may not have been secretly tormented, he may have just had one moment of craziness that he would eagerly take back if he could. i think this can happen with special people who feel things in extreme, people who stand out in a crowd. your journey is beginning. you will never know why or be the same again - the best you and i can hope for is damage limitation and that has to be our mission in life. good luck x

02/28/10 02:02:21 pm
Well, three weeks ago on Friday afternoon, my 23 year old brother shot himself in the head. I am his sister, and exactly 2 years older than he. My older brother, who is 2 yrs older than me, had spoken to him on the phone just 30 minutes before he pulled the trigger. There were no signs. He was a literally a genius--just about to graduate from a top university with a degree in Chemistry. He also had the wittiest and most brilliant sense of humor. He had just joined some new clubs, began to hang out with my older brother quite a bit, was working-out as usual, brewing beer, going out, and doing well in school. He was SO strong, inside and out, so it seemed. There are no answers to "Why." The first week, my family was literally driving me nuts asking "Why"--I am so angry because we will never know the answer. And even if we did know, what's the point? The brother that I protected as a child, and even lived with as an adult (we went to the same college until I graduated and moved 1.5 yrs ago) is now gone, and no one ever saw a sign. What do you do? Who do you go to when NOTHING will ever help or make a difference or bring him back? He cheated the world--he cheated himself and his family. But my only consolation is knowing that, somehow, he was secretly tormented and in pain, and now his pain is gone. But even knowing that does not take the heartache away, for MY pain, and my family's pain will ALWAYS remain. That pain will haunt until for the rest of our lives.

02/25/10 03:02:22 pm
Hello,
Im not sure where to begin.. I have never really talked about this.. So here it goes.. My name is Whitney and i lost my dad April 24 2009 To suicide.My dad was my best friend he taught me everything i know.We did have our problems a few summers ago when i caught him beating his girlfriend. After i saw that i moved back in with my mom. Things were never the same.We didnt really talk that much after. I mean he tried everything to talk to me but i just ignored him. We started talking more and more in November during thanksgiving. I actually drove 5 hours just to see him for 2 hours and drive back. He met my boyfriend and they hit it off. He told me how proud he was of me. November passed December and so on.... I talked to him a week before he did it. He seemed so cheerful and happy! We were supposed to go camping in may Together.The morning i got the phone call Every single person i know called me over and over. . I just wanted my sleep... But it finally clicked. That i should call back. When i did i called my aunt she hesitated to tell me than she was all "They found your dad this morning". And i was confused... "She said your dad passed away... I had no idea he committed suicide. Everyone just said he passed away.I got a plane flight right after i heard that.. When i got to my moms thats when i was told my dad shot himself in the head in his workshop. My dad was a big builder and hunter.The first thing i think of and go to bed is "Why".. Every day that question goes through my head..Its so hard for me cause i have to know everything.. And this is the one thing i wont ever know. Its beginning to eat me up inside.

02/20/10 03:02:50 pm
I lost my brother on April 14th 2009. This pain is consuming me and my thoughts every day. I thought that I had dealt with the guilt but recently I keep replaying every thing we spoke about the last time I saw him,Easter Sunday at my parent\'s house. He was distant and he seemed sad but instead of being a good sister and saying let\'s talk about it- I let him sleep while the kids went through their Easter goodies. I relive each and every word I said to him that day...I wish I could take back that day...hug him and never let him go. We were always close, why could I not take him in my arms and tell him that I knew he was hurting and that I was there for him??!!!?? WHY???? I failed him and I just keep thinking that the last thing he thought of me was that I did not care about him. Before I left that day, he was standing in my parent\'s driveway, I hugged him for the last time and told him,\"I love you Bubba\" and he said, \"I love you too Prissy\" The vision of him standing in my parent\'s driveway as we drove off that day...he watched us drive away and he lifted his hand in the air to wave good bye. There are so many hours, seconds, that I relive every thought and action and I hate myself for not being able to save my brother!!\r\nSome of the things people say are soooo STUPID!! \"just snap out of it\" \"in time you will heal\" well NO I will never heal, he has left a permanent hole in my heart- I wish he would give me a sign he is at peace.\r\n\r\n\"I Love you soooo much Bubba and I miss you every second of every day\"\r\n\r\n

02/20/10 11:02:55 am
This month marks the third year since my brother jumped from the Mackinac Bridge in Michigan. Time makes it easier, but nothing takes it away totally. Toby Keith has a song out that says it well "I'm not crying for you; I'm crying for me". It even mentions playing a guitar in Heaven and that was one of his joys.