03/04/10 04:03:36 pm
Hi, I think this is a great site, the sort of thing I have been looking for since my younger brother Joe took his life in Feb. 2008 at the age of 46.

I feel like I'm caught in two world: In one, I am moving on and healing after Joe's death. But in the other I feel sad and shocked over his death, as if everything about is unreal, as if it did not happen.

And, as many others on this list probably would agree, I feel a strong sense of dislocation in relation to the rest of the world. No one else "gets" how the impact of losing a loved one to suicide is so much more different than losing a loved one to any other type of death. The grieving process is harder and longer, and yet so misunderstood by those who have not survived a family member's suicide. The only people who get us are those who have endured the same tragedy. We belong to a club that none of us ever wanted to join. And we're in it for life.

03/03/10 01:03:02 pm
Julie my brother was smae as yours, handsome strong clever and funny, close to his loving family and a talker. no signs at all. your brother may not have been secretly tormented, he may have just had one moment of craziness that he would eagerly take back if he could. i think this can happen with special people who feel things in extreme, people who stand out in a crowd. your journey is beginning. you will never know why or be the same again - the best you and i can hope for is damage limitation and that has to be our mission in life. good luck x

02/28/10 02:02:21 pm
Well, three weeks ago on Friday afternoon, my 23 year old brother shot himself in the head. I am his sister, and exactly 2 years older than he. My older brother, who is 2 yrs older than me, had spoken to him on the phone just 30 minutes before he pulled the trigger. There were no signs. He was a literally a genius--just about to graduate from a top university with a degree in Chemistry. He also had the wittiest and most brilliant sense of humor. He had just joined some new clubs, began to hang out with my older brother quite a bit, was working-out as usual, brewing beer, going out, and doing well in school. He was SO strong, inside and out, so it seemed. There are no answers to "Why." The first week, my family was literally driving me nuts asking "Why"--I am so angry because we will never know the answer. And even if we did know, what's the point? The brother that I protected as a child, and even lived with as an adult (we went to the same college until I graduated and moved 1.5 yrs ago) is now gone, and no one ever saw a sign. What do you do? Who do you go to when NOTHING will ever help or make a difference or bring him back? He cheated the world--he cheated himself and his family. But my only consolation is knowing that, somehow, he was secretly tormented and in pain, and now his pain is gone. But even knowing that does not take the heartache away, for MY pain, and my family's pain will ALWAYS remain. That pain will haunt until for the rest of our lives.

02/25/10 03:02:22 pm
Hello,
Im not sure where to begin.. I have never really talked about this.. So here it goes.. My name is Whitney and i lost my dad April 24 2009 To suicide.My dad was my best friend he taught me everything i know.We did have our problems a few summers ago when i caught him beating his girlfriend. After i saw that i moved back in with my mom. Things were never the same.We didnt really talk that much after. I mean he tried everything to talk to me but i just ignored him. We started talking more and more in November during thanksgiving. I actually drove 5 hours just to see him for 2 hours and drive back. He met my boyfriend and they hit it off. He told me how proud he was of me. November passed December and so on.... I talked to him a week before he did it. He seemed so cheerful and happy! We were supposed to go camping in may Together.The morning i got the phone call Every single person i know called me over and over. . I just wanted my sleep... But it finally clicked. That i should call back. When i did i called my aunt she hesitated to tell me than she was all "They found your dad this morning". And i was confused... "She said your dad passed away... I had no idea he committed suicide. Everyone just said he passed away.I got a plane flight right after i heard that.. When i got to my moms thats when i was told my dad shot himself in the head in his workshop. My dad was a big builder and hunter.The first thing i think of and go to bed is "Why".. Every day that question goes through my head..Its so hard for me cause i have to know everything.. And this is the one thing i wont ever know. Its beginning to eat me up inside.

02/20/10 03:02:50 pm
I lost my brother on April 14th 2009. This pain is consuming me and my thoughts every day. I thought that I had dealt with the guilt but recently I keep replaying every thing we spoke about the last time I saw him,Easter Sunday at my parent\'s house. He was distant and he seemed sad but instead of being a good sister and saying let\'s talk about it- I let him sleep while the kids went through their Easter goodies. I relive each and every word I said to him that day...I wish I could take back that day...hug him and never let him go. We were always close, why could I not take him in my arms and tell him that I knew he was hurting and that I was there for him??!!!?? WHY???? I failed him and I just keep thinking that the last thing he thought of me was that I did not care about him. Before I left that day, he was standing in my parent\'s driveway, I hugged him for the last time and told him,\"I love you Bubba\" and he said, \"I love you too Prissy\" The vision of him standing in my parent\'s driveway as we drove off that day...he watched us drive away and he lifted his hand in the air to wave good bye. There are so many hours, seconds, that I relive every thought and action and I hate myself for not being able to save my brother!!\r\nSome of the things people say are soooo STUPID!! \"just snap out of it\" \"in time you will heal\" well NO I will never heal, he has left a permanent hole in my heart- I wish he would give me a sign he is at peace.\r\n\r\n\"I Love you soooo much Bubba and I miss you every second of every day\"\r\n\r\n

02/20/10 11:02:55 am
This month marks the third year since my brother jumped from the Mackinac Bridge in Michigan. Time makes it easier, but nothing takes it away totally. Toby Keith has a song out that says it well "I'm not crying for you; I'm crying for me". It even mentions playing a guitar in Heaven and that was one of his joys.

02/19/10 11:02:13 pm
Hello,

In response to a question about unwanted images...EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)helped me get the visions of my sister lying in the ICU after surviving a GSW to the head, the open casket at the funeral home, and the images I had after my mother described after finding my sister, shot, in the family basement. It took me 20 years as a sibling survivor of my siblings suicides (sister, 19, in 1989, brother, 20, in 1992) to find out about EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). I have MA in Counseling and 6,000 supervised clinical work. I am amazed that as a counselor I have more experience and knowledge from being a survivor and advocate than from my formal education. WE ARE THE EXPERTS of our grief. I can't tell you how lonely and frustrated I was the first 10 years of my grief, as there were no websites, or even internet the first couple of years. As I always say, "people ask how my parents are doing, but people rarely ask me how I am doing"...I am not as bothered by violent movies, sudden shooting scenes when the TV is on (ER, NCIS, etc.)...and people making a shooting gun signal with their hand to the temple...I HATE THAT STILL, but now I have the courage to tell them what that means to me and to not do it infront of me. EMDR worked for me after only 3 sessions.

02/18/10 08:02:09 pm
Hi,
I lost my brother, Michael 3/16/2006. He suffered from depression & bi-polar. We were born on the same day (3/21)but 6 years apart. My family & I also buried him 3/21/2006. He was going through a divorce at the time & was separated from seeing his children (parental alienation). The children were then removed from their mom (through the Dept. of Social Services) & placed with my huisband & I (2nd time). It has ben very hard, my extended family does not know what to say. It seems my immediate family brother, mom & dad just kind of go through the years. Holidays are now very quite, it's wierd. My nephews are now home with their mother & we do see them frequently. They are not allowed to speak of their dad at home because they have step brother & sisters who did not like my brother. I am worried for their mental well being, but all
I can do is be there for them & try to answer any questions they have about their dad. Glad to have found this site. Thanks for listening!

02/18/10 08:02:23 am
Amanda,

sorry for your loss. glad you found this site.

finding the body makes this harder. my brother lived for 43 days after setting himself on fire. it was grueling to be there and it was horrible after. but I can tell you the vividness of those pictures in your mind will diminish with time. you are doing the right things... writing, talking.

you might look into therapy. that helped me a lot. I could talk about it in as much detail as I needed. others had a hard time hearing about the pictures in my head.

we share experience, strength and hope here. by writing in, you have reminded me I am not alone in this.

02/16/10 11:02:43 am
Hi,\r\n\r\nI just stumbled upon this site while looking for some sort of information on how siblings could do this. And I found this site... i have read soem of the stories below NAD they are very heart touching. I\'m sorry for all of your losses. I recently lost my older brother Chris; he was going to be 30 this year. He took his life on Jan 1 2010. Or so we are thinking. I found him in his basement suite. I have been trying to get this image out of my head but whenever I think of a happy time it always come back to that picture when I last saw him hanging there. Please, if you have any ideas on how to get over this sight, let me know. I have tried going for walks, talking to people, reading books on it, and writing about it. Everything.. I just need this thought out of my mind. He was my rock through my life. And now when I need him the most, he has left me. Please any insight on what I can do let me know.\r\n\r\nAmanda\r\n

02/04/10 06:02:56 pm

Dawn,

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I lost my youngest brother, Dennis on 16 June 01. He was buried the day before his 41st birthday and two days later our niece was married. Not an easy week to say the least.

Having a mental illness is not easy for the person who has it and nor the family. I have it in my family and to have watched my brother suffer for many, many years was challening. He made numerous attempts over the years, he always called me and the night he completed taking his life was the first time in 13 years that he didn't call me. Knowing that his pain and suffering was over gave me relief to a degree. I could go to bed each night knowing where he was, what he was doing, what he was thinking, how he was feeling, etc. I don't have to worry about him each day. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't make it easy by any means. It does give me comfort to know that he is where he is now healthy and with other family members in Heaven. Many people say they don't go to Heaven, well I beg to differ. I am very sure they are in Heaven and safe in the arms of God. No doubt in my mind and heart.

Where are you, where does this put you? Well, you are his sister, you are one that has lost your brother to suicide. Talk about him, share him and his life with others, share his story with others even when they change the subject, even when they walk away, even if they hang up the phone. Talk about him to everyone. Why you may ask? Because he was a son, a brother, a friend, he was loved, he loved. He was...........Don't allow how he died to define who he is and was................He lived!!!!! He was!!! He's missed!!!

Come and vent away, cry, yell, scream, whatever you need to do. We are here for each other, we are here to help you. We are here for you! We are here!

Sharon

02/04/10 06:02:47 pm

Cindy,

I am so sorry for your loss. I understand as I have lost my youngest brother, Dennis on 16 June 01. It has been years since my loss, but still it has been a challenge. My brother struggles for many years with depression and I always knew there would be a day that he would complete taking his life. That was never easy to carry each day, he to a degree shut us as his family out. He didn't want to burden anyone, but he and I were very close. He left messages, some general, some by name. We buried him the day before he would have turned 41 years old and two days later our niece got married. It was a roller coaster to say the least.

I am sorry that he shut the family out and didn't return calls. This was his way of dealing with the turmoil he was hanging on to. He went through an experience he shouldn't have had to, but it was his job. Sadly, he did have some underlying depression that may or may not have been addressed or he may not have realized that he was depressed. It is hard to say, but still he had things going on that no one knew he had. That is the hard part, not knowing the reasons and now you will never know. To know that your family was close, but he chose to step aside is not easy to understand.

To have anyone say "get over it." Well, that makes me so angry, how do you "get over it" when you have suffered a traumatic loss such as this. A death of natural causes, heart attack, other illensses is so hard to deal with, just how does one "get over it" when the family picture has changed and one chooses to end their life? I am not sure what people think when they make this statement, for me they have no heart, no empathy towards others, non supportive for anyone, no feelings, etc. I am sorry that your husband is telling you this, has he not lost a loved one? To lose a loved one by suicide is a much different journey than losing one to a heart attack. Different illnesses, different treatments, different feelings, different understanding from others.

Never stop chatting about your brother, he lived, he was very loved, he loved, he was...............Don't allow how he died to define who he is and was as a person, a son, a brother, a uncle, a friend!!!!! HE WAS....................

Come often, vent, yell, scream, cry, you are safe here. We are here for each other..............we need each other and we are here for you!

Sharon

01/29/10 06:01:59 pm
Thank you for this site. I lost my brother 2 weeks ago when he took his life after battling chronic, debiltating pain and related prescription painkiller drug addiction for over a decade. His wife and my parents are absolutely devastated and I'm trying to figure out where I fit into all of this. Looking over your site has helped a little.

01/29/10 11:01:34 am
This is very difficult for me. I just lost my little brother 3 weeks ago today. He as only 32 yrs. old with his whole life ahead of him. He cut of our family about a year agao. He quit taking our calls, emails etc. he was not married. He had a great job an one day he recieved an email explaining to him he had to escourt all employees out and lock the doors his business was closed. He took this very hard. He took everything personally. I believe this was his turning point. He never seemed to recover from this. He did find another job but not till after he had lost everything. He lost his home, his vehicle and his pride. Our family was brought up believing in a strong family relationship. We were always close. I am 10 years older than him so I was able to not only be his big sister but his best protector and friend. He was very talented. He had the most beautiful voice and could play anything with keys beautifully. he touched every person he came in touch with. He would not use his talent to help with money. meaning he would not let anyone pay him for singing at their weddings or any such occasion. He believed that God gave him that talent for him to share with others and not profit from it.
At his funeral, There were over 400 people. This was so overwheming and a great tribute at the same time. His best friend from childhood gave a talk about growing up with him and she was great. Then one of his best friends talked about their adult relationship. He struggled with this talk but he was great. He said that he was most upset that his 11 month old would never know the best role model he could have known. This just tore me up but it explained my little brother to a tee.
You never saw him without a smile. He always dropped what he was doing to help someone out no matter what it was.
I could go one forever about his life and the great person he was. This is why I am having such a hard time with this. He never reached out to anyone for anything. We all would have helped no questions asked. Why? This makes no sense.
Circumstances since his death make no sense. Things we have found out make no sense. His letters left behind were well, a let down, they showed no pain had no certain statements toward us or even our mother. They were about nonsense. There were 2 left behind, one to his girlfriend and one to friends and family. Not one to us as a family.
Now, my family consist of well there were 4 kids. me, my twin brothers and then my little brother. My parents made our family fun and we are very close. We lost our Father 4 years ago to a heart attack. He was very young but had heart disease. We all knew that would happen some day. We were able to deal with the lose of him. This is so different, we are numb, we are trying to make sense if this and we feel like we are in a fog. I think the worse part of this is no one understands what we are going through. Oh, they try to help but make it worse. My husband is trying really hard to be there but I think he is getting inpatient with me. he says I should just move on and let it go... Let it go, what the hell si that. How can I just let it go?
We not only lost him but 2 days ago my Mom lost her little dog and then our close Friends of the Famiily and my other Brothers best Friend since 2 years old lost his Father. This is such bad timing and too much to try to handle right now.
I guess that I just fell like writing down my feelings here and maybe venting a little.
Thank You for letting me talk here. I will be back soon.
Cindy

01/28/10 04:01:29 pm

Vicki,

First, let me say Congratulations on the baby!! How special for you and your family.

I am so sorry for the loss of your sister. I am glad that you have found this site, I pray that it will be helpful to you and others as they learn how to place one foot in front of the other. It is not easy, but know that you are not alone and we are in this together.

I will check in now and then and will help where it is needed. To have space to be able to connect with others is good, it helps with the healing and the hurt in our hearts.

01/27/10 04:01:15 pm
Sharon - thank you for the kind words. Maggi - I am glad if I could help a bit and I wish you good luck. Yes, I would very much like to continue to \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'connect\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\' with other survivors. The kinship of this site is very healing. If there is one thing all of us sibling survivors should know to the bottom of our souls is to be as good as we can to our fellow human beings everyday. Bless you all.\\\\\\\\r\\\\\\\\n

01/27/10 01:01:59 pm
It's been just over 2 months now since I lost my wee sister Mandy on 24th November 2009 and the pain is still so raw. I live 260 miles away from my mum and dad with my partner and thankfully he's been great. We're expecting our first baby on 21st February and I'm devastated that Mandy's not going to have the chance to be the best auntie in the world as I'm sure she would have been.
She had a fantastic life and she knew we all loved her more than anything but she had fought depression before and then it came back. None of us realised just how much pain she must have been going through and she took the decision to hang herself to escape her demons. I beat myself up every single day wishing I had been there for her, wishing I could have just taken her pain away but nothing's going to bring her back. I just have to be strong for my baby, but its just so so hard.

01/27/10 12:01:11 pm
\r\n\r\nMaggi,\r\n\r\nI am glad that you found this site as I am glad I have too. I do hope you will keep coming, to talk helps so much. We do all understand and you are never judged here. We all need each other as we walk the journey to healing. You are never alone, we are here for each other. \r\n

01/27/10 12:01:09 pm

Joanna,

I am so sorry you have had to endure this. Things were handled differently years ago, it was much more hush hush than today. Back then people never talked about anything and it seemed easier that they just swept it under the fug so to speak. They had no idea on how it would affect you, that is the sad part.

I am glad you have been able to live your life though never forgetting the feelings and loss you felt for your brother. How sad for your family. You have done the right thing to let go of the "guilt," though you have no reason to have carried it. I hope you continue to heal and come to share your thoughts here, you never know who you may help.

01/27/10 02:01:08 am
I am so thankful I found this site.For the first time since my sister died Ive never been able to talk to anyone who truly understands how horrible it feels.Iam going to move onlike you said and try and make the most out of my life.I hope we all can do this.I will continue to visit now and then to let you know how I am,and if I should need a boost of encouragement Ill know where to look.Thankyou for helping me.Love to all